AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

Yes, my clients already think British people are too expensive and difficult. Oh well.

Normalise bringing menopausal issues into the workplace. Now that everyone else is....

You have set firm boundaries due to your sleep issues and that is fine, as long as you understand that others can set firm boundaries also, such as not providing accommodation at a conference, and you will have to respect their boundaries also.

I get that, but OP seems happy with her professional lot, save for clients who change the goalposts after agreeing to an all expenses paid trip.

I wouldn't say I'm a night owl, just a two-hour-late owl. I would work much better if my office hours were 11-7, rather than 9-5. Home by 7.30, dinner around 8.15, bed around midnight.

If you can choose your jobs around when you are at your most productive, I think it's an excellent idea.

In terms of OP's predicament with her holiday, I do think the friend is being a bit precious about the "journey being part of the holiday" and it's not putting them out financially or in terms of their time for OP to travel later.

That said, ended up feeling desperately ill for 2 days after one early start is really not normal and there must be an answer to it, so I hope you'll keep exploring it OP.

No, she doesn’t have to accept people not sticking to their end of the bargain. The agreement was OP’s attendance in exchange for expenses paid.

The client deserves no respect for backtracking. They are counting on manipulating OP.

Sums it up perfectly.

I cant see if you have mentioned medical appointments but how do you manage those? My next NHS appointment is at 9 and no other timing is available. ( Grateful to get this one).

OP can decline to go, then, and the client can lose the money they've paid so far. It sounds like a communication issue between OP and her client.

You sound horribly entitled. You expect everyone else to book later flights that will be more expensive and result in losing a days holiday because you cba to get out of bed on one occasion !

I wouldn't be going with you and I would be questioning your side of the friendship.

I do think you are very privileged to be able to have this condition.
Where I come from we do not have issues like that, life is a lot harder and there is no choice, so it seems that people are able to adapt.

Are they going to be happy to have to wait until 11am before heading to the beach/town/ historical site every day or will you just follow on later then as well?

I get this 100% and think YANBU but I wouldn't tell clients about your personal business in future. It does sound like a bit of a cop out unless you have some kind of official diagnosis. In reality though I've been where you are and the only thing that fixed it for me was having children and having to be up at all hours so my broken circadian rhythm seemed to reset itself a bit. I still have trouble now with sleep sometimes but the brain changes necessitated by constant wakefulness seem to largely have fixed me. Not that I'm suggesting this as a solution for you :-D I think your friend is being immature by not agreeing to just let you get a later flight, just tell her you can't make the morning flight (maybe add on an extra excuse like someone's big birthday party you have to attend the night before if you think it might make life easier?!).

If you are freelance you set your own hours. If you only have one client, the tax office is unlikely to agree that you are freelance so be careful with that (especially if the relationship means you can't turn down the work and they are paying for your training).
Let your client(s) know your working hours (no explanation required) e.g. on email sign-off.
If the conference means a lot to you then pay for your own hotel on this one occasion and don't find yourself in a situation where you are beholden to this 'client' again (sorry, the tax office is likely to judge this is equivalent to an employment situation).
If holiday flight times don't suit, and it's a deal-breaker, then don't go. Say a family commitment/work opportunity has cropped up. Doesn't sound like group holidays are going to work for you with the sleep requirement.

Yes, all this is good advice. Tell people up front. I think your friends will have to pay more on this occasion? The post is confusing. In the future, just make it clear to travel companions. I wish my travel companion had told me she can't get up before noon before we spent that money.

I think the best thing to do is to separate the two incidents and deal with them quite differently. They don’t really belong in the same bucket as they are only peripherally about the OPs chosen sleep patterns.

1. the trip. Stick to your guns and take the flight you want and travel the way you want or cancel and only go another time with the nicer friend.
2. borrow the money for the cheapest accommodation you can find (like an airbnb room) and attend the conference and figure it is money paid forward to increase your skills and customer base.

If people object to you creating boundaries, its only because you want to trample all over them.

Your friends - friend singular - is being unreasonable.

Your client will have to cope with you not attending, or provide you with some local and basic accommodation. It's not reasonable to expect you to commute for 4 hours on top of an unpaid work engagement, opportunity or not, chronic condition or not.

To ^pp managing a chronic health condition is not something that can be done "flexibly". Freelancers decide their own working patterns, that's the deal.

Your friend just had a picture in their head of how they wanted it to be. They will surely get over adapting to you travelling separately but be prepared for them to be annoyed when you want more sleep than them when you are away.

I recognise this.

I have a friend who had exactly the same thing as you. It is an irrational anxiety - a fear of not getting enough sleep. It is a phobia. It even has a medical name...

You can let it rule your life, or have a lightbulb moment like my friend and go and get help for your phobia. She had quite a lot of treatment sessions but she had it even worse than you. Her irrational requirements would start every day in the mid afternoon, hours before she actually went to bed.

I suppose it depends if you consider it as your problem or everyone else's problem. My friend was a teacher and she faced actually losing her job.

I'm clearly in the minority, but I don't believe you're being unreasonable, OP. Sleep disorders absolutely dominate a person's life, and the advice people usually give? Set your life up so that you're not letting other people down, i.e. in your case, you plan your life and commitments to all commence after 11am. But no, that's still not good enough for people.

People really do not understand what sleep disorders are like, and how they utterly rule a person's life. I don't personally have one but several people close to me do. The worst thing about it for them is the lack of understanding they get from friends and employers. It's heartbreaking to see them sacrificing their health and sleep just to meet the expectations and demands of others, who simply won't understand the seriousness of having to do whatever you can to get your necessary sleep. I really sympathise with you, OP, and I hope awareness of sleep disorders improves very soon.

I think you've completely misunderstood the OP's situation here.

I'm not going to pull out the trip as it is very expensive for me, I am looking forward to it and I have been gentle but firm with my friend. She has one preference and I have another. I am not making her do mine but don't expect to be made to do hers. She likes to be in control and is definitely the leader and can struggle with push back. I let her plan the whole trip exactly to her liking the only caveat is that if she wants me to come along to an activity it can't start before 10.30am.

When people travel they all have different preferences. I don't think starting my day at 10.30am is particularly ruining the holiday. I have never had this feedback in the past. It has meant some days I have to do my own thing while others are on a 9am-5pm tour, and sometimes I have to grab breakfast on the go but everyone has just been focused on themselves so far and as long as they have what they want they're happy. I have taken flights by myself before and met everyone there and it hasn't been a big deal.

My friend knows but doesn't understand or care to understand. Perhaps if I were diagnosed with a medical condition she would be more kind. My friend wants it to be a fun adventure with the three of us travelling having fun and wine on the plane but it won't be fun with me there having to get up so early, I would be a disappointing party pooper with an endless headache and try and miserably sleep for the next two days. I'm not going to suck it up and take an earlier flight and feel awful for two days.

When I sleep according to my current pattern I am very fun, rested, happy and pleasant for the day. I think I am a very good friend. I am also willing to go with the flow and try all activities such as history, beach, watersports, hiking so the other person just gets to pick their favourites.

I do think it's likely I have ADHD for those wondering. I'm just really reluctant to get a diagnosis

I honestly would just up the ante in order to make it clear how serious it is: "Dear client, I have a diagnosed medical condition which means I'm unable to undertake any early morning travel or work or I will be very ill for several days afterwards. I'm really sorry, I wouldn't have committed if I didn't think that accommodation was provided."

"Dear friend, I know you think I'm selfish and should just suck it up, but I have a diagnosed medical condition which means that early starts cause me to be ill for several days afterwards. I would do anything for it not to be the case - it's very embarrassing and has meant I have lost out a lot in my career and personal life. I hope you can be understanding bitch"

THIS!!

If she asks what the condition is I'd just say 'do you mind if we don't talk about it? '

Agreed.

Is it a "never managed other people" thing? An empathy deficit thing? A "never did me any harm" thing? A parochial "We have no clients in other time zones" thing?

If the course primarily benefits the client and the client isn't paying for her time but did say they'd pay expenses then it's not the OP's fault the client made an assumption about the OP being able to stay for free in Kent and add 4 hours of commute per day to the time they're not paying her for.

I quite like that @WinterDeWinter