AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

I think you are thinking quite in the short term. It's not about getting more pay or hours (now), no, but it could mean that you have the edge in terms of them making a longer-term commitment to you, and could also give you the edge with other clients. I do wonder whether you've been hampered by short-term thinking in terms of the (myriad) approaches you've tried, as well - that you've discontinued an approach when it hasn't given immediate benefit of the kind you imagined it might.

@ksglag I don't live in misery thank you - my children are my world even if they get me up at 5am after 2 or 3 hours sleep! I'm just not somebody who would expect others to bend their schedules to accommodate what is essentially my problem but each to their own.

It's probably better that your friends go on holiday without you. As well as the flight issue I'd be pretty irritated if I had to hang around half the day waiting for you to get up before we could do things.

As for your client - your sleep problems are not theirs. They'll have paid for some expensive tickets for you. This reflects very badly on you so unless you have a unique skill set they will probably start looking for someone else who is more flexible.

I appreciate it is difficult for you but you seem to expect everything to revolve around you. At some point people will get tired of it.

Sorry but this isn't normal or healthy.

If you really can't cope with the odd early start you need to see a doctor as something is wrong.

I take it you don't have kids because they absolutely will not wait for you to get up!!

"However, I would never accepted if I hadn't been told all expenses would be paid."

Then cancel conference - your prerogative as freelancer. But be prepared for client to distance themselves somewhat or totally - their prerogative as buyer of your services.

You could flip that round though and say people who want to be up early expect everything to revolve around them. How does it affect her friends if they set off early and OP joins them later? As others have said, it seems people just don’t like the fact OP has arranged her life to suit her sleep needs because they think if they have to suffer early mornings, everyone should. It’s stupid. If they expect OP to bend to their will they could do with giving that back to her and being willing to compromise.

On the work thing, the client is taking the piss - what expenses are they even paying if they’re not covering travel and accommodation? It’s really weird and unprofessional that they’d ask you to stay with your parents.

Regarding the holiday, I think you made a sensible compromise in offering to fly out later. However, maybe the friend was kicking off because she could foresee that when on holiday, the days would be very restricted to you schedule.

It's a pretty stupid hill for the friend to die on though? Expecting other people to be 'fun' on a 7am flight that'll last for a couple of hours. A lot of adults travelling without DC would hope to nap or at least get some quiet reading/podcast time!

Totally agree with this. I’m also self employed and I don’t start work until around lunchtime. I sleep in until I feel ready to wake up and start the day. I don’t work 5 days a week every week. I’m in an industry that pays very good day rates so I don’t need to. 9-5 office hours exhausted me to the point that I literally, no exaggeration, would go straight back to bed after work without eating, showering or doing any basic chores because I was so exhausted. I’ve got chronic fatigue, why should I just suck up being tired and having no life because others haven’t/can’t make their own schedules and have less freedom? I’m glad my friends are more understanding than people here!

It's all good to be a night owl or reshape your life, but it's not the perfect solution if you end up missing medical appointments (like some posters), or if there are negative impacts.
Most of us DO have to suck it up, even if you re-arrange your life, if you have kids you can't rearrange theirs for a start. It's not being a martyr.

As well as coping you need to find solution to fix the problem.

Regarding the wedding, your family is ridiculous. Most of us would have booked a room too if we had a chance, and enjoy a leisurely morning pre-wedding. Things like this have nothing to do with your sleep pattern, same for paying for a hotel for the conference. You also need to separate issues, because they are separate, and it's not about your "preference annoying people" at all.

why should I just suck up being tired and having no life because others haven’t/can’t make their own schedules and have less freedom

you don't.

But in the same way, others don't have to accommodate your life choices when they don't fit with not only their own schedule, but the business schedules in general.

There’s any easy solution to the kids - don’t have ‘em

OP's condition sounds extreme beyond the point of just being a night owl or having a different body clock. I think most people have had the experience of having to function on very little sleep and while it's deeply unpleasant, you just grit your teeth and get through it.

So I think my advice would be to go back to the GP, see as many specialists as you can and get a diagnosis. It's a serious health condition, not a preference. The more you frame it as that, the less unreasonable you sound when you have to work round it. The more advance warning you can give to people and the more likely you are to find a treatment that might work.

Brilliant.

And if your condition starts once you have kids, you just send them back do you?

How can her condition start after she has kids if she never has kids?

Having commitments and non-flexible schedules is not reserve to parents, but thank you for your input!

I disagree, she has said it takes her a while to recover so it’s not for us to tell her how she would feel.

Her friend is being ridiculous. OP said she is happy to take the later expansive flight while they go ahead and yet she gets angry. I Woolf understand if OP was insisting they all take the later expensive flight but she didn’t, she recognizes this is her issue and she is willing to pay more to fly later while they go ahead so her friend getting so upset is wrong and ridiculous.

For OP one option will be to avoid going on for up trips like this unless your friends are aware and understand your situation, I don’t know Joe much they already know.

So, because you have to suffer from a debilitating condition and can't / won't change it, you are angry at someone else with the same debilitating condition for creating a life where they don't have to suffer as much as you? That doesn't scream bitterness at all.

OP, you need to stop describing this a preference. It's not a preference, it's a medical condition and you need to describe it as that. Your friend(s) are being un-empathetic and I'm sorry about that. And to be expected to commute 2 hours is unreasonable regardless of the time of day.

I think many people don't understand chronic/severe insomnia / fatigue / IBS etc etc unless they've truly experienced it as everyone gets tired so they just assume that your problems are as mild as theirs and if they can ignore it, then why can't you

So I don't know how you are explaining it to people, but please don't describe it a preference, as people take that to mean it's a choice. It is not a choice. YANBU.

I also don't really see why you need to work til 9pm every night - 10:30 is only 1.5 hours late so you would expect to need to work til 18:30 or 19:00.

I was going to ask this. 10.30-6.30 would be the length of a normal working day.

And if op is working until 9.00, I think it's not surprising she can't sleep when she goes to bed at 10.00. You need time between work and sleep to allow your brain to wind down.

I don’t see how you are being unreasonable. You have an issue, you found a resolution that for the most part affects no one but you. You haven’t told your friends they must go later, just that you will. That’s fair imo. The client may have been a misunderstanding but all expenses paid means accommodation to me. You/they should have made clearer but you thought through your decision and made it built on those expectations.

@ksglag would biphasic sleep work for you? Humans did this for centuries. I happily do this. 3 or 4 hours before 12 midnight then potter about, cook,read, tv, etc then 3 or 4 hours before 7am. It won't work for this particular problem, but for your future decades.
Fingers crossed you find something that keeps you happy and balanced.

That’s not what you said though, you said ‘And if your condition starts once you have kids, you just send them back do you?’

Thanks for your input though!

Thank you for your comments Lacucuracha. Very incisive and helpful.

You are free to do whatever you want. And by that logic, others can too. Thus would be too much drama for me, either as a travel companion or as a client. These days, I only hang out with low maintenance people

I'm a fellow night owl, from a family of night owls. Fitting into lark society is the bane of my life, and I've also chosen jobs that suit me. There is so much judgment from larks, as you can see from the responses here and the vote - 23% fellow owls/reasonable larks.

You offered your friends an entirely acceptable solution at no cost or hassle to them.

The conference is a communication issue. I'd start with telling the client there is clearly some confusion, when they said 'all expenses paid' you thought it would include accommodation. Tell them it'd be a 2 hour journey, surely they don't expect you to travel 4 hours each day. Use the good old Mumsnet "Unfortunately that's not going to work for me".

Early bird catches the worm, late bird catches the early bird :)

I think they have been, you’re welcome.