AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

I wouldn't abandon a good working relationship for this. I'd work with it.

Everyone has non-optimal something.

It's a 24/7 world.

A lot of people have preferred working hours.

It's shortsighted and wastes the investment already made in the employee or contractor to be rigid and have a tantrum about it.

If it would help us if the OP went in the course we'd help her to do it.

That's ironic considering your post will have angered quite a few people on this thread. What a nasty and obtuse response. Ditto the pp who called the OP a 'princess'.

Just loving all the responses by folk who have just had to suck up being in insomniac!

Just because you are martyrs doesn't mean the the OP should be.

@ksglag I have similar issues to you and totally understand what you mean. Its not laziness, but a physical need.

Well done for re-shaping your life so that you can live healthily and happily.

@bringincrazyback I think people are triggered when others find 'selfish' solutions to the problems others have just sucked up.

@MrsSamR you don't need to suck it up and live in misery. your needs are valid too

Yeah, I agree with this.

You did it for years so clearly it's not impossible - you just don't like it. Which is fair enough, but we can't always go through life just doing things we like and opting out of everything else.

I've always struggled with my sleep and have regularly gone to work on 3-4 hours sleep - yes, it's shit but that's life sometimes.

I think you should get to a sleep clinic, OP.

I absolutely understand that people have different body clocks and I used to hire people for night shifts who just couldn't function on 9-5 because they were night owls (ironically, I'm a lark, nights would do me in). But your insomnia sounds like something else and the fact that one early start would put you out of action for two days sounds like something more. As I said, I'm a lark, but while I hate late nights, a one off wouldn't incapacitate me for two days.

In the meantime, if you can't do it then you can't do it, but inevitably it'll limit what you can accept in work and socialising. I do think your friend is being a bit of a twat in not even accepting you taking the later flight alone though.

Could a doctor give you some sleeping pills so you can sleep earlier and be awake for the flight?

Well done for re-shaping your life so that you can live healthily and happily.

Except OP is posting on here saying that 'life re-shaping' is having a negative impact, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please ignore the people who can't comprehend that people are different. You've found a solution (working freelance) to your problem and you've made your life fit around it. Unfortunately not all things can be worked around. You can't please all the people all the time.

If it’s impacting exploitative employers and inflexible friends then all the good maybe.

No, she is saying that she has found what works for her and because it doesn't fit into the 9-5 traditional box people are getting arsey with her

I can see your point… but also not sure I’d want to go on holiday with you.
te the conference, either it is paid or it is not. They cannot assume that your parents are free accommodation on demand, suiting their time table, nor is a 4 hour commute realistic. I would have just said that they cannot host you.

@ksglag Exactly! Well I did it so why shouldn't you!

Some of us have a healthy dose of self preservation

I am very chatty with my clients and it's very friendly.

There's your problem. Anyone can get friendly chat at any pub. You're running a business.

What every client wants from a business service they pay for, is totally professional behaviour and reliable performance.

OP said they go to sleep at 10pm and wake between 9 and 10.30am on an average day, sounds like a lot more than 8 hours to me. Though as an insomniac, those are hours I could only dream of.

This. It doesn’t sound as though you have any sense of what you might do to yourself if you continue to insist on this.

The world is a busy place, full of busy people. If you are difficult your opportunities will be limited.

my life reshaping has had an amazing positive impact. I am 1000 time happier. Its just sometimes people don't understand.

I am a driver and our family had a wedding 3 hours away starting at 11am. I booked a hotel for the night before due to my sleep. However my family let me know their disappointment that I wasn't able to drive people there being one of the only drivers left. No-one else got a room the night before and they let me know just know much I had inconvenienced them. I got a couple of sour looks at the wedding but I just have to brush it off that they don't understand. If I had bended to them I would have left the wedding early and been miserable all day.

How is the boss being inflexible? Conferences aren't free to attend, so they presumably they are paying for OP's registration and she said herself that it's a good opportunity. They don't have to do that – they could find someone willing to work typical office hours to align with theirs and who doesn't baulk at being somewhere at 10am. Her friends meanwhile don't want to waste the first day or I imagine have the added expense of travelling late morning to accommodate her refusal to set off earlier. She's being totally inflexible.

And I say this as someone who has chronic insomnia and hasn't slept more than six hours interrupted in about four years.

Flight I think is fair enough, you aren’t forcing anyone else to do it so your friends can fly at 7am.

The work one is tricky and if it was a huge client I’d maybe suck it up.

I’m the opposite that I’m a complete lark. Late nights ruin me and give me migraines. I no longer go out late and I try to be really honest with my friends about it and offer alternatives but 9pm cinema screenings are simply impossible for me.

Because the agreement was OP’s time at the conference in exchange for all expenses paid. OP agreed. Now the employer is changing the goalposts and saying they won’t pay for a hotel.

That is completely unprofessional.

And OP is not stopping her friends from getting the earlier flight! There is a compromise to be had, which one friend does not want to do, even though she knows it will negatively affect OP.

The conference will make me be trained to support their needs better. So while I had to give up a weekend, I was happy to do it. It could mean I can better support other clients too. However, I would never accepted if I hadn't been told all expenses would be paid. It is a good opportunity but won't lead me to getting more pay or hours from this client.

Regarding the holiday, I think you made a sensible compromise in offering to fly out later. However, maybe the friend was kicking off because she could foresee that when on holiday, the days would be very restricted to you schedule.

Regarding the conference, I think there’s mixed messages. They assumed expenses would be travel and food, while you assumed it would also include local accommodation.

Exactly, they aren’t paying your ticket from the goodness of your heart.

There is no way they’d try this shit with a man, OP, don’t fall for it.

@ksglag just wondered if you have any other symptoms? Delayed circadian pattern can be a trait of ADHD. Might be worth looking into it as I work with students who have similar problems- all diagnosed with ADHD or other ND's.