AIBU? Annoying friends and clients with my preference

[ksglag]

Had an argument with a friend and client and am feeling really bad.

I refuse to make any plans before 10am usually aiming for 11am and my client and friends are very frustrated.

I was miserable working in a job for many years and having to get up early to be in the office at 9am. I am not a morning person but more than that, unless I get a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep I feel exhausted all day to the point of unbearable misery, I get excruciating headaches, and am very unproductive, and unpleasant to be around. It is very noticeable and sounds very dramatic but it can take me an extra day to recover. I suffer from insomnia and struggle to go to sleep for hours and wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried what feels like everything with no solution. Most days I wake up around 9am having gone to sleep at 10pm but sometimes it's 10.30am. I never set an alarm because that will make me wake up unnaturally and I will have a bad day.

As a result I have quit my job and gone freelance where I can choose my hours and plan my whole life around getting the right amount of sleep as it 100% ruins my day and the next if I don't.

My life is 1000% better as a result and I am so much happier.

My two friends and I are going away this summer to Spain and are booking flights. My friend A found the cheapest flight leaving at 7am and I said that that was too early for me but I am happy to take a later and meet them there. Friend B is wants the cheaper flight but is easy going. Friend A has blown up that i'm running the holiday because it's fun to all travel together and she doesnt want to pay extra for a later flight so I can have a lie in. She has gone on to say that I am self absorbed expecting all plans to revolve around me and they should go with the majority vote.

I know it sounds dramatic but it is so terrible for me when I don't get my sleep that I would rather not go than have an early flight.

I freelance and my client is relaxed with me working afternoon and evenings but recently they invited me to a long weekend training conference in London. My time would be unpaid but all expenses would be paid and it is a great opportunity. It's a big conference. I looked it up and a soft start would be 10am and the first workshop at 10.30am. I happily accepted and they booked my non refundable tickets.

They have now stated that they expected me to stay with my parents in Kent as they know I have done many times, and they will pay for my commute in. It will take 2h to get from my parents house to the venue each morning meaning I have to disrupt my sleep cycle. I explained to them why I can't do this and they have gone very frosty with me and asked me to arrange my own alternative accommodation. I would not have accepted if I had to pay my own accommodation or if I had to stay with my parents. I should have just told them my parents cant host me but it's too late for that.

I know my situation is unique but I feel I am not taken seriously. I feel like I have a very limiting health condition, and whilst I know that is not the case it's horrible to be treated like a lazy person who wants a lie in. I am happy for others to go ahead, or to leave me out, but my priority has to be my sleep.

I just don't know how to address this.

She isn't expecting that at all. Read the OP properly before going in all guns blazing.

Well I've said YABU and a bit ridiculous to expect to always get up so late. That said if you are willing to get later flight AND its not going to cost your friends more because they split a transfer between 2 rather than 3 then you shouldn't have to all fly together.

As for client I think you need to be flexible for earlier starts for work but adding 6 hours of commuting is a cheek. You need to say. I don't think you appreciate its a 3 hour travel time there, so 6 hours in a day, unpaid. You had said expenses paid which would mean accommodation. Say you are willing to stay somewhere a reasonable commuting distance out if it saves money, or book a hostel but there needs to be a hotel budget as you won't be able to do 2 days of 6 hours commuting.

Is it a hot country your going to? If its tours, hiking, history etc, surely most of that will involve getting out early in the morning before it gets too hot? If its lazing by the pool/beach for a few days, then ofcourse it doesn’t matter so much if you come down abit later. I guess it probably feels abit wierd for your friends leaving you behind (even though you have stated you are ok with this, they probably want you included in everything).

I would feel wierd going places without a friend, even if that friend told me its ok.

You don't have a 'condition'. You are describing being tired. Like 99.9% of the population experiences. You need to toughen up. Getting up earlier once in a while isn't the end of the world. I would be extremely irritated if you were my friend/colleague.

@WinterDeWinter this made me laugh out loud

What happens if you spend time in the USA? You'd be doing everything 4 or more hours later then.

Oooooh theres a lot of the 'not my experience, can't possibly be real' folk out banging their drums today.

I currently sleep at 5am, get up 11ish, it could be better, I could probably do 2am... I would then be up at 8 and thats a problem, as I need to be functional til 10pm on a work day as I work 2 -10.

I am a nocturnal person, i always have been, it's not that I can't get up early, I can, at college I was up for 5am every day. And it nearly killed me, I was so ill, so shattered, all of the time (and in bed for 7 - 8pm most nights!).

On top of my natural sleep pattern being different to most folks I also have chronic health problems and disabilities, which mean I don't sleep well, despite the CPAP mask, pain med patches etc.

Theres a tendancy to assume getting up later/staying up late = 'lazy' - which really is wrong. I am not lazy, but it has taken me a long time to realise that I am not lazy, that all this time I've been struggling through fatigue and trying to fit in with the wrong sleep schedule for me.

As for 'everyone gets tired, suck it up you whiner'... or words to that effect.

Fuck off dear.

Until you've experienced micro-sleeps, hallucinations, nodding off with your eyes still open, mid conversation, whilst sitting up, sitting at your desk, standing in the kitchen... The brain fog and vision loss that go with that sort of fatigue and sleep deprivation...

You know fuck all. Thats not 'everyone gets tired' tired. Thats 'your body is shutting down and breaking down due to insufficient rest'.

My clients are more than happy with the work I do for them and when I do it - if they dont like the hours I keep they're welcome to go elsewhere but funnily enough, they do not, as they get what they're paying for (or more!), ahead of deadlines. I am available when I say I am and for a large portion of their own working hours, whether they are in the UK or most of Europe and USA.

I don't know that I'd be offering anything better if I were available from 7am to 11am really!

It's Spain. It will certainly be very hot by 10 am. I guess they will go without her.

Well said. Sorry you're dealing with this too, though!

I agree this needs further exploration. But I think it ultimately depends on how bothered you are in how you come across. You say it takes you a day to recover for example, so could you not travel with your friends on the understanding that you'll take the first day to yourself to rest letting them go do their own thing and regroup for dinner for example? I think it's unreasonable for your work to decide you're staying with someone else but equally since you've no diagnosable condition as far as they're aware you've essentially come across as unreliable and inflexible and as much as you've gone freelance to give yourself flexibility (which is great you've been able to) I think you need to decide how important sleep is over your reputation as freelance does depend on a solid reputation as well. I would book yourself into a hotel if you want to avoid the 2hr commute and in future you need to clarify that as if its time spent working even though it isn't.

Oh tell you what she can suddenly stop having a chronic health condition when she goes there

Getting into the mindset of 'I must have 8 hours interrupted or it ruins me for 2 days' is going to get you absolutely nowhere. It sounds like you've mentally got yourself so stuck in this situation you're now resorting to sleeping in when the rest of the world is awake, working, parenting, or just blobbing on the sofa at least.

Unless chronically ill, nobody needs 8 hours uninterrupted. Because you've told yourself that over and over again you're stuck in that mantra; meaning your world is getting very small and others, understandably, are getting frustrated as they have to accommodate everything around you. If your sleep is THAT precious, how can you guarantee getting 8 hours interrupted in a foreign country with time differences anyway.. you can't.

Then don't go if you'll make it a misery for everyone else, but you're going to make yourself miserable.

If that's your logic I suppose you think chronic fatigue isn't a 'condition' either?

Circadian rhythm sleep disorders are real (scientifically researched/proven and treated by the NHS) and they cause real health problems together with levels of utter, abject, disabling exhaustion that are categorically not 'Like 99.9% of the population experiences'. Perhaps try dislodging the chip from your shoulder and educating yourself?

OP, you need to go to the Drs and discuss this.

It is clear that there are lots of issues here. You might have a serious illness, or it might be rigid thinking, or it might be something else.

But this Nothing Before 10.30am is going to irritate others and harm you. You can say you don’t care, but it will cost you a lot. You shlould try to address it for a full life.

Agree with this point 100%.
Not fair on your friends to go by your body clock which they will feel they have to do. I would bow out of the holiday.

You will come up against it with friend A I'm afraid. Sounds like she thinks you're over egging it and will make things awkward 😬 I wouldn't go but get you don't want to waste the holiday.

If it's not fair that they should have to go by her body clock, how is it fair that she should have to go by theirs? And as for suggesting she should bow out... speechless

Isn't Spain an hour ahead? Would that not affect your plans because it will be 1130 Spanish time when you wake up?

I don't think it's reasonable of the clients to expect you do a 4hr commute from your parents. That's not even a sleep issue thing.

They all knew that OP would go out with them after 10.30 every day.

They could leave without her I suppose but it’s not nice to the OP, as they all agreed.

She will just set her alarm to Spanish time.

But setting the alarm for a different time (ie Spanish time) must have the same impact OP wants to avoid- ie interrupted sleep patterns.

If the friend told you it’s OK and you still feel weird that’s a you problem, not a friend problem

This?

https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-conditions/sleep/delayed-sleep-phase-syndrome.html#:~:text=Delayed%20sleep%20phase%20syndrome%20(DSPS)%20is%20a%20disorder%20in%20which,up%20at%20the%20desired%20time.

The elephant in the room here is not actually OP's sleep problems but the obsessive rigidity with which she needs to stick to a schedule that doesn't require early waking. Combined with the fact she selectively ignores some questions and only replies tersely to others suggests that neurodiversity is the root of the issue. Delayed sleep phase disorder is real, and are strongly co-morbid with certain conditions.

The OP is literally losing friends over the obsessive need to wake up at a certain time. Contrary to the title, it's not a "preference" but a non-negotiable need. This is valid as being made to divert from routine in the morning seems to be a massive trigger for the OP. The root cause is clearly behavioural and psychological, compounded by a common sleep disorder that many other people have but manage to live their lives around.

you do you - your friends can accept your offer of coming later, or you don't go with them.

Client was being disingenuous - Can you suck it up for a weekend for a good opportunity? if not client will have to find another freelancer to replace you.

Are you getting any treatment for your insomnia?