Exhausted feeding my family

[winterrrain]

It's not even a large family.

2 children and two adults. My Husband, my son aged 10 and my youngest aged 2.

My eldest and husband eat three cooked meals a day. Every day. They also expect a plate of fruit and a plate of salad to be out in the evening to snack on.

They all eat at different times and won't eat the same food. My Husband only eats his own country's cuisine and my Son doesn't like spicy food.

They reject any ready meals or processed food (I guess in a way that's good but he odd cheat meal I'd like as a break).

My Husband also likes a drink of tea made with milk and Cardamon in which is a faff to make and he has a few times a day. He also has a milkshake which contains banana and nuts in the morning.

My Eldest has a hot chocolate in the evening and water throughout the day but brings me the glass each time to refill as he will only drink it with ice and lemon in which he apparently can't make himself 🙄

They're both quite fussy and don't like a lot of food which can be batch cooked but my Son will eat spaghetti bolognese and shepherds pie but only the meat can be frozen he won't eat the mash if it's been frozen and he can easily tell.

I'm spending all day cooking and cleaning up after the family.

I work three days a week from home. Husband works full time from home.

My Eldest has a cooked meal at school.

They both like an omlette for breakfast. No toast and butter or cereal for these two 🙄

They have hot meals for every meal of the day.

Since I had my youngest I'm struggling with energy to do it all to be honest.

AIBU?

I don't think there's a solution unless I tell them to get their own food 😂 But wanted to know I'm not being unreasonable.
Any tips to make things a little easier?
Any batch cooking recipies I could think of?

I don't think there's a solution unless I tell them to get their own food 😂

Why do you write this like it's a hilarious fantasy?
It's what most humans on planet Earth do

I wouldn't say that's normal at all. We have one cooked meal in the day. DD eats cereal and toast in the morning which she gets herself. DS used to do the same when he lived at home.

DH (also likes tea made with milk and cardamom) makes his own English tea with a tea bag. Of course he'd drink chai every day if I made it for him, but who has time for that? And if he wants the spicy food of his ancestral country he cooks it himself. He eats cereal in the mornings and sometimes likes eggs, sausages etc. which he gets for himself. He doesn't really eat lunch as he does intermittent fasting but if he fancy something whoever is free might put something together. Not a full cooked lunch though.

DD has dinners in school at lunchtime so she gets a cooked meal there.

DH and I take turns making dinner - if he wants curry he makes it himself. Otherwise I cook. I probably cook dinner maybe 4-5 times a week but not lunches or breakfasts.

You need to train your family better instead of slaving for them!

I'm unsure why you've put a laughing face emoji after your idea that you should ask them to get their own food, that's the logical solution. You don't need to make all their meals, you are not a domestic slave.

You are not a servant. Husband wants a faffy drink, he should get it himself. Husband doesn't want what the rest of the family is eating, he should get it himself. Why are you letting yourself be treated like this? Your sons are going to grow up thinking this is acceptable. Why do you have less help because of sons? They can do anything a daughter can do - cook, clean, load dishwasher etc. Start today. Set a good example. It's 2023.

You’re teaching your son that women are put on this Earth as domestic servants and general arse-wipers to men and boys, who are, of course, superior to mere women. They say “Jump” and we must ask “How high, my lord and master”.

WTAF! You’re doing your son a disservice and turning yourself into a doormat. They do not need three cooked meals a day! Give them a choice: That or Nothing. If they want a bloody omelette for breakfast they can make it!

You’re indulging them both so much it’s unreal. Your son’s hungry after school? Fine, most children are, but just give him a snack and a drink and make the evening meal at, say, 6pm. Who gives a stuff if your husband isn’t hungry until 7pm? Should you sit there with your apron on, spoon in hand, waiting until he signals that he’s at the precise level of hunger to eat??

Cook a hot evening meal that suits you not them. Tough shit if the food is bland - put some sauce on it or have hot pickle with it. As for the bizarre drink-making service you run - don’t! Offer the kind of drinks you drink and are making anyway: a glass of water, cup of tea, etc, and if they want anything more elaborate they can make it themselves. You’ll soon find that the desire for water with ice and lemon, elaborate teas, and complex milkshakes miraculously disappears when they have to make it themselves!

She doesn't have to be the one to provide it of course. However it's highly unlikely this household is going to undergo a sudden revolution whereby the OP never does any cooking at all, and her H grasps the baton. I also don't get the sense OP would want that anyway so there's little point in offering advice on something that's likely to be completely alien to the recipient. There's also nothing intrinsically wrong with a woman being the person who cooks. It's a fairly common occurance in even the most egalitarian households. The problem isn't in the cooking, it's in the unreasonable demands and the servility.

You are setting a bad example to your son about the role of women. I know you're probably in this situation because you're trying to do the right thing by him and his dad but it won't help him later. That said, I bet your family is a million times healthier than most of us.

But all that aside, why is cardamom tea so difficult? My in laws have it. They have pre-ground black and green cardamom in a pot by the tea bags and just add a sprinkle with every cup. It's no more complicated than adding salt to food. Are you doing it a more complicated way?

Have you tried not being a slave?

That is beyond ridiculous

Breakfast
They get cereal or toast
Stuff gets put out in the side, they sort themselves out whilst you help dc3 out
If they want omelettes they make it themselves

Dinner
Your dh sorts his own out when you work
You and dc2 sort yourselves out
You can sort dh out when you're at home but it's jeans on toast, jacket potato - something quick and easy

Tea
DD1 gets something batch cooked if he doesn't like frozen mash on his shepherds pie he leaves it, you don't make it for him.
He gets what he's given

Dh cooks when you work, you can cook when you don't work - share it 50/50

Fresh fruit can be collected from the fridge/bowl

The water and lemon is just silly, he gets tap water and gets it himself, if he wants lemon he gets it himself - op you're teaching your kids to be lazy sod's who expect the woman to sort it all, give them life skills by teaching them to cook and also to help out

As a south Asian myself I understand that misogyny is alive and strong in some
of the communities but I can’t help but think this thread is a wind up. I don’t know a single British born woman (Asian or not) who does this. Yes there are plenty doing the lion’s share despite holding down jobs outside the home but still, not to this extent. What happened to you in your life Op that you feel the need to do this? Are you desperate to keep him happy? What is it? I can understand those women born into the families that force/condition/put pressure on them to conform and maintain the status quo but I don’t understand why you’re doing it. And I don’t understand why you’re asking what others do, don’t you know anyone from your own culture irl who will most likely tell you this is batshit?

Stupid response from a stupid person that didn't read my response fully. I said that she and her husband can teach the son to whisk his eggs and milk, and pour into the omlette maker. He can sprinkle cheese in and there is no stirring. This is a safe option for a ten year old and the dad to make their own omlettes. Nothing about her doing it. The rest of my message said the husband should make his own drinks. Stupid.

I think you need to change this mindset here:

Thing is I chose to work as I wanted my own financial independence.
There's no expectation for me to work so I've always felt if I choose to work that can't impact my ability to do housework.

This is England and here house help is not the norm. The lifestyle here dictates that everyone needs to pitch in.

Get a water jug and fill it up with water and fresh lemon slices in the morning. Leave it in the fridge. DS1 can use an ice tray if you don’t have an ice dispenser.

Next step - teach him how to make omelettes. He can do that for everyone at the weekend.

I don’t know where to start with your husband but perhaps he can at least make his own smoothie as point 1?

I dont think the omelette making is the issue here love.

Its the place in the household and her being subservient.

also calling someone stupid is rude. Did you know?

You goaded her by calling a slave though.

Her idea was a good one, an omelette maker is £10 and very safe, her DS could totally make his own omelettes. A step in the right direction.

You don’t need an omelette machine to make an omelette!

No, but it’s a super easy option for kids, no cooler needed.

Cooker

Cooking an omelette on the hob is a super easy option.

Thanks Zarah. That's exactly my thinking. Clearly it cannot carry on so to change it is to empower the child and husband to share in the tasks and teach the son it is everyone's responsibility.

I wouldn't let a ten year old cook on a job without supervision, and then she may as well make it herself. With a maker, she can teach her son how to make it very easily, the husband can supervise this and pouring in. They come back few minutes later for husband to put on a plate. Also, saves washing a pan. The husband can just wipe over with a cloth. Just thought it was a good place to start as she said they both insist on omlettes at breakfast. This is a way they can make them themselves and clear up.

I made myself scrambled eggs at 10 for breakfast as I didn’t like cereal or toast. The 10 year old is not likely to be alone in the house at breakfast time. Unless they are physically handicapped or SEN I don’t see the problem.

Omlette maker still has to be cleaned, and it’s easier to clean a saucepan.

(The idea that a 10 year old can’t cook without supervision is bizarre frankly).

In a typical household on weekdays I’d say there will be a home cooked dinner with breakfast being simple like cereal/oatmeal or an egg and toast which require minimal effort and lunch would be sandwiches or soup, again minimal effort and often put together by the individual.

You though are providing three hot cooked meals every day and snack plates and special drinks that you have to make, fresh and from scratch…and your family rejects any lowly food such as takeout and frozen or convenience foods.

You know what I suspect your problem is?

You’re too good of a cook no matter the cuisine 😂 even glasses of water are presented with ice and lemon 😄so your husband and eldest son are used to the good stuff, delicious meals and even hot toddies (ok I added that one) and cocoa at bedtime, and will not accept anything less.

That’s what’s going on here. I can’t say I blame them 😅❤️

This isn’t normal at all, you’re basically their servant atm and that isn’t acceptable. If your DH wants cardamom milk he can make it himself, ditto your DC and their lemon water requests. Your eldest is more than old enough to make themselves some food, get snacks and drinks. Crikey, my DD is the same age and she has been making her own breakfast and lunchbox for about 3 years.

Screw making cooked meals for every meal as well, that’s bonkers. They can have cereal or toast like everyone else and if they really want something different, they can make it. Stop being a skivvy!

OP you need to talk to other young Pakistani mums. Most will laugh at you for making things like daal and rice everyday. Also, chai needs to be batch cooked for the day & reheated to get the best flavour. All his cups make them at once and then everytime he wants a cup he or you can heat it up.

As for your kids - a bit of tough love is needed but at the same time he sensible. Batch cook and freeze plain curry sauces, add spice as tadka for your DH. The milkshake is such a negligible piece of effort I don’t know why you mentioned it. Pakistani Women of old used to have set menus - meat 2-3 times a week, daal rice and roti / veg curries for the rest. Roti should be given most days with paratha etc a a weekly treat.

White women on this thread often have no idea how easy it is to cook Indian and Pakistani food from scratch everyday but you do. You just need to lay down the law in terms of the other work they do in the kitchen. Your DH and kids should he washing up / taking bins out / tidying / doing things to make your life easier so you can cook for them. If they can’t then stop. Many Pakistani mums have these conditions.