Exhausted feeding my family

[winterrrain]

It's not even a large family.

2 children and two adults. My Husband, my son aged 10 and my youngest aged 2.

My eldest and husband eat three cooked meals a day. Every day. They also expect a plate of fruit and a plate of salad to be out in the evening to snack on.

They all eat at different times and won't eat the same food. My Husband only eats his own country's cuisine and my Son doesn't like spicy food.

They reject any ready meals or processed food (I guess in a way that's good but he odd cheat meal I'd like as a break).

My Husband also likes a drink of tea made with milk and Cardamon in which is a faff to make and he has a few times a day. He also has a milkshake which contains banana and nuts in the morning.

My Eldest has a hot chocolate in the evening and water throughout the day but brings me the glass each time to refill as he will only drink it with ice and lemon in which he apparently can't make himself 🙄

They're both quite fussy and don't like a lot of food which can be batch cooked but my Son will eat spaghetti bolognese and shepherds pie but only the meat can be frozen he won't eat the mash if it's been frozen and he can easily tell.

I'm spending all day cooking and cleaning up after the family.

I work three days a week from home. Husband works full time from home.

My Eldest has a cooked meal at school.

They both like an omlette for breakfast. No toast and butter or cereal for these two 🙄

They have hot meals for every meal of the day.

Since I had my youngest I'm struggling with energy to do it all to be honest.

AIBU?

I don't think there's a solution unless I tell them to get their own food 😂 But wanted to know I'm not being unreasonable.
Any tips to make things a little easier?
Any batch cooking recipies I could think of?

I’ve a foreign name that can be spelt multiple ways.

Whilst people addressing me in emails with an incorrect spelling fucks me off greatly, the name itself is a great ice breaker when meeting new people, colleague etc.

It’s never held me back, in fact the opposite.

10 yo can fetch own drinks! So can your husband.

batch cook meals for husband. He can defrost and heat up himself.

teach son how to make scrambled eggs in the microwave.

Why can't the husband batch cook his own meals?

This thread is thoroughly batshit.

My Eldest has a hot chocolate in the evening and water throughout the day but brings me the glass each time to refill

Teach him some respect Ffs.

This.

Stop trying to give them what they want. How about what you want?

I'd buy them each a basic cookbook for their birthdays, and then ensure that there are always the following in the cupboard.

Bread
Cheese
Eggs
tomatoes
onions
chillies
Radishes
Tabasco sauce
Some kind of meat. Cook a chicken at the weekend, strip the meat off the bones and leave it ready for them to use.
Cereal
Spread
Marmalade
And a bowl of fruit.

Then cook one meal a day, six days a week. Eat out on the 7th.

If they don't like it, they can get a takeaway. No negotiation. Not only have you made a rod for your own back, indulging two sexist selfish men, but you have also raised a ds who will probably make his wife's life a misery if he gets the chance.

Breakfast omelettes- DH should be making for both & DS is old enough to cook simple stuff like this. All my DC were able to make basic stuff by this age, under supervision initially now youngest is 12 & perfectly capable of just getting on with it herself, just like her brothers.
Making water is ridiculous for a 10yr old, if you can't trust him to cut up the lemon do it once a day & stick in a bowl, then he does it himself .
Evening meals I get as time wise this used to be us, DH didn't get in till almost 7 & kids couldn't manage till that time when younger (gradually moved back times for them though & all eat together) BUT your DH works from home so no reason for this every night.
Different foods, younger children's taste buds mean that they do taste everything differently & is why spicy food can be a problem for some, so.make it less 'hot spices & more flavourful ones - cloves, cardamom instead of chilli & paprika. I used to make curries, chilli etc to the kids tastes then add extra spices once they eaten, or cook 2 pots alongside each other one hot & one milder. DS can also help you to make some of this & DH should certainly be sharing the cooking anyway.

Wow OP - I’m exhausted just reading that! Where is your time? Who is looking after you?

I am of Indian decent and honestly I can say you are making a rod for your own back. Firstly your family should not be getting 3 cooked meals a day, why can't they have cereal and fruit, it can just as healthy if you leave out the sugary cereals. Your husband should be making his own milkshake and tea, maybe he can offer to make you some as well. As for your husband wanting cooked lunch's you should point him in the direction of you tube and get him to learn to cook this for himself. Don't forget you are working too, whether its part or full time. Start by making only one meal in the evening for your family make it less spicy and then add in the extra spice for your husband, or get him to add the extra spice. If your son is hungry after school give him a snack. and for gods sakes stop with the refilling of his water, he can do that himself.
Teach your son how to cook so that he doesn't become like your husband , your future daughter in law will thankyou.
And please get out of this mindset that just because you are a woman you have to do all the cooking and cleaning, break that cycle.
I have a ds and a dd both in their early 20's, I have taught them both to be completely independent. Both can cook better than me, and when they are both home from uni they share the cooking. If my husband was demanding that I should cook 3 times a day for him I would go on strike and take myself off somewhere for a few days and leave him with the kids to deal with everything.

So you're raising your sons to believe they should do no cooking or cleaning but leave it all to the nearest woman. Do you think that's right?

I assume they all have hands, therefore they can make these things themselves. You’re making a rod for your own back and quite frankly raising your kids to be utterly helpless, and teaching them that women are there to pander to their every wish. Get a grip on this now.

No reason why he can’t. She was asking for how she can handle it better, and if she intends to continue as she is, that’d help. Surely if she was looking after herself she’d have made him do it a long time ago!

Worrying post from OP.

why does any woman find herself cooking multiple versions of 3 different cooked meals a day? Sounds like exploitation or martyr syndrome or a bit of both.

Unfortunately it sounds like a man treating his wife like a servant and bringing up the children to do the same. Many people might suggest she tells them to take or leave the one option she will cook or ask them to contribute to the cooking…..but this will be so alien in this household and a pattern that has been long established is hard to break.

OP, talk to your friends who perhaps are from a similar culture where this kind of thing to one degree or another might be seen as more acceptable and ask them how they’ve managed to improve the situation.

The trouble is if you expect yourself to be a domestic drudge and your DH expects it too and so do the kids. Honestly, it’s just not right, but hard to change if it’s become ingrained.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Beginning to think this is a wind up.

Can you not cook the curry and then take his portion out and add chilli flakes or chopped green chillies to it?
Or give the kids the curry to the kids with a bit of natural yogurt?
You don't need to cook everyday, curries can be cooked and heated up for 2-3 days.

Sit down as a family and discuss. Say that you need their ideas about how they can take on some of the responsibility. Note, don't use the word "help" - it's not helping you.

Meal plan with them. As there are 3 of you who will express an opinion - everyone gets to choose two dinners and you get to choose three. What ever you make for Monday night's dinner gets heated up for Tuesday's lunch and so on.

All drinks to be made by the person drinking them, unless they are going to make you a drink as well!

Kitchen chores to be shared - tell your husband he needs to model appropriate behaviour. Who stacks and unstacks dishwasher, etc - a rota might be a good idea.

Breakfasts are the individual's responsibility. Teach your son how to make whateve hot breakfast he likes. Your husband is working in the house, he has time to make himself breakfast. Or have a rota for this too.

You have to be firm but it will pay off and both your sons' future partners will thank you.

My 11 year old son cooks a lot of his own meals because he is autistic and doesn't like a lot of the meals I cook (doesn't like meat and very few veg). So he has mastered the air fryer but he can also cook himself porridge or eggs and bacon for breakfast, and has done for a couple of years. He will also (under sufferance) do the dishwasher, sort the laundry and strip and remake his own bed.

It's often more work for me to coax him into doing it, but I keep reminding myself of the end game.

I think it would be good to show your son how to chop up a lemon. Keep a covered bowl of cut lemons in the refrigerator so he can make his own iced lemon water. He'll probably protest at the beginning because he sees that men get to dominate women in your house and that's not an easy thing to relinquish I bet. But I think if you keep the focus on how he's learning life skills, over time it will sink in and he will start to enjoy being able to do things for himself.

Just stop making complicated tea for your husband whenever he wants. Set a limit. One cup a day or something. Maybe you can do it at the same time as your son has his meal at 4 pm. Then they can chat together.

Your husband's irregular work schedule is likely part of the problem, as it will cause his biorhythm to be messed up and that likely makes him irritable and unsettled. Being served food and fancy tea whenever he pleases likely makes him feel secure, especially with the underlying psychology that women exist to serve. In other words, him having this extra stress of an irregular schedule may make it more difficult to change his attitude towards doing things for himself. So does his schedule need to be this irregular? Is there a way to put more structure into his day so that you can take away some of the on-demand services without having World War II break out? Can he have a little refrigerator and microwave in his workspace so he can get out and heat up a cold meal while he is working, so that he can eat at regular times without ringing the bell for his concierge (you) to come serve him?

It wasn't actually clear if you are also Pakistani. I think if you were born in Britain, whether your original heritage is Pakistani or caucasian, that you should point out that he chose to marry someone from the UK and that it's unreasonable to expect you to behave like someone raised in Pakistan. Also, as you or someone else pointed out upthread, if you were living in Pakistan (or India, or a lot of other countries where this sort of service is expected from wives) then you'd have a lot of household help and family members around with whom to share the load. You're not living in a situation where the lifestyle your husband wants is feasible.

I hope this is a wind up. Ridiculous to have your DH (I don’t care about his Pakistani culture, he married an English woman and is raising a family in England) and your DS waited on hand and foot. Your DS is copying Dad. I do wonder if you had a DD if she were roped in to wait on the men folk. It’s just horrible.

Cooking one evening meal for the family from scratch is normal. If both parents work then both parents get involved, one does breakfasts and lunch boxes or school run, one does dinners, one does the shopping or cooking is shared. You sound like their servant from another era.

OP won't be back.

Posted too soon.

There should be no difference with sons and daughters when it comes to chores.
Your son should be able to get his own drinks.
Also I think one hot meal a day is enough and even then I often batch cook or so. Lot of east meals like wraps and you can add chillies to them.
Get your DH to help out and gradually increase the amount

Teach your son to cook before he gets older and stops listening to you and turns into a copy of his demanding dad....

I think you need to set some boundaries. It is not normal to cook several meals.

Your DS is going to have a shock when he wants a family, but realises that no woman will wait on him hand & foot like his mum!

If your husband works from home why can he not make his own drink in the morning and make the omelette for himself and your son and get his own snacks! Not a chance id be living like this. I'm currently working from home and my husband finished early as self employed, he's away food shopping and then taking our daughter to the dentist then he will make us all dinner. The cultural gender rules you are living by are bullshit and you shouldn't be teaching your sons them.

In my culture women aren't unpaid servants and skivvies - what are you thinking OP? Why on earth would you teach your son this is ok?

@winterrrain Wow you sound like an angel sent from above! I hope they treat you very well, when you are not in the kitchen? I hope your husband spoils you rotten and has never strayed and your sons show how grateful they are? Only then could I find what you do remotely ok for you, like those wife's running after their rich millionaire husbands, like butter wouldn't mealt in their mouths. However, i couldn't do that, I don't think people need that much cooked food and drinks a day, they can drink plain water if they cant get up to do it themselves, they can eat fruit for breakfast. Im not sure why they cant do these things for themselves but expect you to do it, what if you don't want to? Right now by 12 year old picky eating son is making sausage beans and toast for himself. What would happen if you died tomorrow?