Exhausted feeding my family

[winterrrain]

It's not even a large family.

2 children and two adults. My Husband, my son aged 10 and my youngest aged 2.

My eldest and husband eat three cooked meals a day. Every day. They also expect a plate of fruit and a plate of salad to be out in the evening to snack on.

They all eat at different times and won't eat the same food. My Husband only eats his own country's cuisine and my Son doesn't like spicy food.

They reject any ready meals or processed food (I guess in a way that's good but he odd cheat meal I'd like as a break).

My Husband also likes a drink of tea made with milk and Cardamon in which is a faff to make and he has a few times a day. He also has a milkshake which contains banana and nuts in the morning.

My Eldest has a hot chocolate in the evening and water throughout the day but brings me the glass each time to refill as he will only drink it with ice and lemon in which he apparently can't make himself 🙄

They're both quite fussy and don't like a lot of food which can be batch cooked but my Son will eat spaghetti bolognese and shepherds pie but only the meat can be frozen he won't eat the mash if it's been frozen and he can easily tell.

I'm spending all day cooking and cleaning up after the family.

I work three days a week from home. Husband works full time from home.

My Eldest has a cooked meal at school.

They both like an omlette for breakfast. No toast and butter or cereal for these two 🙄

They have hot meals for every meal of the day.

Since I had my youngest I'm struggling with energy to do it all to be honest.

AIBU?

I don't think there's a solution unless I tell them to get their own food 😂 But wanted to know I'm not being unreasonable.
Any tips to make things a little easier?
Any batch cooking recipies I could think of?

I know she's struggling, I've been trying to help her!

Agreed that they don't need 3 hot meals from OP.

There's no expectation for me to work so I've always felt if I choose to work that can't impact my ability to do housework.

Bloody hell-you are your own worst enemy!

Husband & son at least should be cooking their own breakfasts/making up their own snack plates!

Husband mostly has porridge for breakfast which he makes himself.

He works I don't.

He's up before me but even if he wasn't I'm not sure that I would be getting his breakfast for him!

Are you sure that’s the one point out of all the comments here that you want to focus on?

Thinking back, I remember my husband, who's from another culture, complaining that we didn't have meat with every meal, and that we only had one hot meal a day. But he just grumbled a bit, eventually adapted and now doesn't even think about it.

I know....

You don’t have to compromise with misogyny.

DH and DS can make their own breakfast omelette, I used to make scrambled eggs at that age.

Lunch is a sandwich or salad made by DH from ingredients kept in the fridge.

Supper is a hot meal, cooking shared between DH and OP.

Right. So she doesn't need to cook three meals a day.
However, the problem is bigger than the meals.

Doesn't your husband pitch in at all?

Does he ever make his own drinks?

If the answer to both of these is no-isn't he ashamed of himself?

You're preaching to the converted Maireas

👍

It isn't misogynistic for a woman to do the cooking. It's about an equal share of the workload OVERALL. If she was working as much as her DH, and doing all the cooking and housework, that might be misogynistic. But if they're roughly doing the same amount of hours work, in different areas, it's fair.

Just stop! Your sons will grow up assuming this is the norm. Your husband needs to man up and do his own and his family's food. You will wear yourself out. And for what? Because he was brought up that way? Tough. Times have changed, you are not their slave. Doesn't sound like they are appreciating it either. Your 10 year old already thinks you should make him drinks. Today, take his to freezer, show him the ice, show how to slice up a lemon and from this evening he can do it himself!
Culture, tradition whatever. Doesn't matter and is no excuse to be bloody lazy and rude to your partner. People can easily adapt and change. IF they want to or.. when they have no option.

@Wildwoorose

But if they're roughly doing the same amount of hours work, in different areas, it's fair.

The 'type' of work absolutely does matter though when there are kids witnessing the dynamic, because behaviour is being modelled and normalised to them.

Even if it evens out their hours, her doing things like fetching water for their able bodied 10 year old son and making every cup of tea for her husband (and him never doing it for himself or, god forbid, making something for her) is teaching him that it's solely a woman's responsibility to cater to the males in the household. That men don't have to take part in cooking, cleaning or childcare simply by fact of having a penis instead of a vagina.

And that is how misogynists are created. By modelling the idea that women exist to serve men.

What a stupid response, of course it is misogynist to expect and demand 3 cooked meals a day.

OP very clearly says that as housework needs to be done, any work she does can’t impinge on the housework. Which is the wrong way round.

If she prefers to be a SAHM that’s fine, but she still doesn’t need to be cooking all these hot meals daily just because DH demands it. There’s a big difference between a SAHM and a servant.

Yep.

Nooo you misunderstood me. I DON'T think she should be making 3 cooked meals a day!

But @Wildwoorose don't you think that, even if the split of hours is broadly fair, the DH needs to make his own milk drink and not require his wife to do it? Don't you think that tips over from "we are a partnership each pulling our own weight" to "FFS man just make your own sodding drink"?

I was also saying that he needs to adapt to her culture just as much as she already has to his. And in her culture, 3 cooked meals a day isn't normal.

I was just saying that the fact that she does the cooking isn't misogynistic.

But making water for an able bodied child is stupid

If it's all so quick and easy, her DH can do it can't he?

YES. Had you read my previous comments you'd have understood that that's what I think.

There were six of us. On school/work days DH and/or I served two cooked meals, a full cooked breakfast and a two course main meal at 6pm. Weekends, three. Served to everyone together, at the table. Nobody had to eat anything they didn't like/want, but there was no alternative menu... and always another hungry person eager for seconds.There were no processed snackfoods or sweet/fizzy drinks on offer.

In between meals (when kids came home from school, or as a late supper) they helped themselves to fresh fruit, bread,cheese, milk.

DH and I both cook ; our sons all learned to cook from when they could stand on a chair and hold a spoon, peeler, knife, potato or carrot. Because they watched it happening and took part, they see cooking as a skill and appreciate the effort that goes into preparing a meal. They were proud when they could produce a family meal; cook a great meal for their friends.

I was simply making the point that

1. In intercultural marriages, there has to be adaptation from BOTH sides. She has adapted, he has not. That needs to change.
2. There is nothing inherently wrong with the woman doing most of the cooking.

I don't think anyone needs to have tea and water brought to them all day long, especially if she's already doing the cooking.

@Wildwoorose

But if they're roughly doing the same amount of hours work, in different areas, it's fair.

This was the bit of your post I took issue with.

Because the type of work (even if one partner's hours total to exactly the same as the other's) absolutely counts when it comes to misogyny due to the dynamic it models to children, as I expressed upthread:

The 'type' of work absolutely does matter though when there are kids witnessing the dynamic, because behaviour is being modelled and normalised to them.

Even if it evens out their hours, her doing things like fetching water for their able bodied 10 year old son and making every cup of tea for her husband (and him never doing it for himself or, god forbid, making something for her) is teaching him that it's solely a woman's responsibility to cater to the males in the household. That men don't have to take part in cooking, cleaning or childcare simply by fact of having a penis instead of a vagina.

And that is how misogynists are created. By modelling the idea that women exist to serve men.

You have 3 clear options OP:
Follow the advice of the majority on here and stop doing this.
Carry on as you are and give up your job and independence, further entrenching your role as servant in your household.
Carry on as you are, keep your job and remain exhausted.
There's really no point in faffing about with compromises, cutting up lemon ahead of time and pre preparing meals. It's just papering over the cracks and doesn't address the real issue that it's seemingly OK in your house to exploit you. If you save time in this way I'm sure they'll find another way to fill it for you.
You need to decide what you want your role to be and how you want to be treated. Once you've chosen, you need to be crystal clear with your family what it's to be.

I pity your future DIL your DS is being raised to be as self centred as his useless father.