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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to stay at his parents for the week?

170 replies

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 09:42

I'm not sure who is being unreasonable here.. happy to be corrected if I am, this has caused some contention in the house this morning 😅

Partner has come down with a stinking cold. Probably self inflicted for buggering off camping this weekend, while I stayed home cleaning like a good little house maid as usual. (So yes a little resentment there haha)

Anyway, he's come down with a stinking could and is spluttering everywhere, sneezing, a giant hot mess. I am going to be the maid of honour at my best friends wedding in like 4-5 days time. My immune system is also rather crap. I can't be in a wedding party with eyes streaming and good knows what else.. or even worse pass it to the bride! I've got a speech to do, I'm walking down the aisle first etc so I can notttt get ill this week and have done so much for this wedding!

His parents live around the corner. They aren't vulnerable or particularly old. They're healthy, his mum enjoys fussing over him anyway so he'd get treated like a prince! Am I unreasonable to ask him to go there for a few days so I don't catch this and mess up everything at the wedding?

It's going to be harder for me to relocate, I have a very important work presentation to do this week with external clients (wfh) and need a desk with 2 screens and any options I have wouldn't have a proper work space, or probably much peace and quiet. Bride has said I can stay with her but then I will struggle to concentrate from a work perspective, it's also miles away so I'll need to be travelling back every other day for personal training sessions, visiting a sick relative etc. so it's just not as practical.

My partner is still working (also from home) so it's not like he's super poorly and unable to just push through. His response was he doesn't want to make people ill by going there. If it was any other week I wouldn't be asking, but in this circumstance am I being unreasonable? He doesn't seem worried if I get ill and then the bride & co do when I stay there the night before the wedding. But doesn't want his parents to catch it when they're both fit and healthy and have nothing happening this weekend.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Hidingawaytoday · 12/06/2023 11:25

I know what it's like to get sick just before something you're really looking forward to so can see your dilemma. If his parents are close by, could you stay with them for the week and just pop back to do your presentation on the two screens? Just ask him to open the windows etc for an hour before you come back?

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:25

WillyLows · 12/06/2023 11:24

Get some First Defense and squirt it up your nose. It's saved me from several colds and I get them badly. Start taking echinacea too.

I've got all the vitamins I can find for both of us.. but I'll see if I can find this on my lunch break.. cover all bases!

OP posts:
sweetgingercat · 12/06/2023 11:26

I would ask. It's an important day for you and very reasonable.

Frogmila · 12/06/2023 11:27

I don't think it's fair to make this his parents' problem. They might be well but they're still older and his home is with you. Hygiene, ventilation, keeping his distance, even a face mask. All those things reasonable. The resentment I think is colouring your judgement here- why are you staying at home cleaning? Make your own weekend plans and split the chores properly.

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:27

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 12/06/2023 11:25

I think you sound very resentful of his lifestyle - I think maybe you don't even realise this yourself.
We are talking about a cold here and there are many simple solutions to prevent catching or even the severity of a cold. You've been around him so you've already been exposed to it.
I don't think you were unreasonable to ask him, but now that he's said no you need to accept it or relocate yourself for a few days and work around the issues that might cause ie reschedule your PT sessions, and ensure your relative has everything they need or have someone else going in.

It's not resentful as such, but I do think he will shake off adulting responsibilities to go off weekend after weekend and he does need to balance that a bit more with being an adult and getting stuff done on occasion. The discussion has been had though. But yes I guess there was a twinge of that in my initial post.. but it's not coming from anger more just that he never wants to grow up at times

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:28

Hidingawaytoday · 12/06/2023 11:25

I know what it's like to get sick just before something you're really looking forward to so can see your dilemma. If his parents are close by, could you stay with them for the week and just pop back to do your presentation on the two screens? Just ask him to open the windows etc for an hour before you come back?

This could be an option. I'd be happy getting the princess treatment instead of him lol

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:30

Frogmila · 12/06/2023 11:27

I don't think it's fair to make this his parents' problem. They might be well but they're still older and his home is with you. Hygiene, ventilation, keeping his distance, even a face mask. All those things reasonable. The resentment I think is colouring your judgement here- why are you staying at home cleaning? Make your own weekend plans and split the chores properly.

Yeah it's just bad timing I think as I've been struggling in general at the moment with life circumstances so likely quite sensitive to his super low maintenance view of everything. I'm manic busy in just about every area of life which is hard going, so likely I am a bit resentful of him being in a calm place with no tricky challenges to navigate (and I'm glad he doesn't have them at present obviously but it's hard when I've got so many to not get a little miffed at the lack of support at times)

OP posts:
Scalottia · 12/06/2023 11:30

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:24

Thank you 😄

He would probably have a more luxurious experience feasting on steaks from Waitrose every night than my super speedy meals cos I've got so much wedmin to help her with!

Show quote history

Wedmin? Is this thread a windup?

OP with all due respect, I think that your partner is right about you being scared of the bride. Wedmin, now I've heard it all.

pinkginfizz9 · 12/06/2023 11:30

YABU, to wish a cold on an elderly couple instead ofyou and your friends.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 12/06/2023 11:31

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:27

It's not resentful as such, but I do think he will shake off adulting responsibilities to go off weekend after weekend and he does need to balance that a bit more with being an adult and getting stuff done on occasion. The discussion has been had though. But yes I guess there was a twinge of that in my initial post.. but it's not coming from anger more just that he never wants to grow up at times

Show quote history

I completely get where you're coming from, and it can be so frustrating and exhausting when you are always left to be the adult. This is definitely something to talk about and get your feelings across.
I hope the wedding day is really lovely.

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:31

pinkginfizz9 · 12/06/2023 11:30

YABU, to wish a cold on an elderly couple instead ofyou and your friends.

I think his mother would take extreme offence you having called her elderly there!

OP posts:
Comtesse · 12/06/2023 11:32

You are completely catastrophising. eg I’ll get ill, I’ll ruin the photos, I’ll make the bride sick on her honeymoon, I’ll trash my presentation.

C’mon OP - not worth getting so anxious.

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:33

Comtesse · 12/06/2023 11:32

You are completely catastrophising. eg I’ll get ill, I’ll ruin the photos, I’ll make the bride sick on her honeymoon, I’ll trash my presentation.

C’mon OP - not worth getting so anxious.

Maybe, maybe not. It's not that unrealistic though.

OP posts:
Zonder · 12/06/2023 11:33

Ask him to self isolate like we did with COVID. That should keep you safe. He could wear a mask when he comes out of his isolation room.

toodlesofoodles · 12/06/2023 11:34

The incubation period of a cold means that you wouldn't make them sick the day of their wedding though, if they did catch it off you they'd be poorly after.

There's nothing to say you'll even give it them or get it, I think your friend is being ott. Her wedding might be the most important thing in the world to her but it's not to everyone else.

TrainedByCats · 12/06/2023 11:34

YANBU If his parents have offered he absolutely should have gone there in the circumstances

JudgeJ · 12/06/2023 11:36

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:03

Maybe not to ruin someone's wedding?

I wouldn't even be contemplating it otherwise. But if the situation was reversed I'd let someone and their germs come and stay if they had the same issue.

Show quote history

If one bridesmaid can't make it because she's ill it's hardly 'ruining the wedding'!

Billyho · 12/06/2023 11:37

TheShellBeach · 12/06/2023 10:13

How did camping make him get a cold?

I was going to ask the same thing!

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:39

toodlesofoodles · 12/06/2023 11:34

The incubation period of a cold means that you wouldn't make them sick the day of their wedding though, if they did catch it off you they'd be poorly after.

There's nothing to say you'll even give it them or get it, I think your friend is being ott. Her wedding might be the most important thing in the world to her but it's not to everyone else.

I get both of your points there. And yes, definitely very valid that it's the most
Important thing in the world for her. And she's allowed that. But equally I know I can't expect him to upend himself either.

Him being sick on the day is also not an issue, as he isn't in the wedding party. I can deal with having the sniffles but last night he had more than sniffles and I just don't want anyone to be picking that up and I don't want them having it for their honeymoon

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:41

TrainedByCats · 12/06/2023 11:34

YANBU If his parents have offered he absolutely should have gone there in the circumstances

I think people have read my thread like I was banishing him there - not that they suggested he go there. She would probably love the company with her husband being away with work anyway. But I don't think he is going to go, we are going to keep trying the socially distant and covering our faces and see how that pans out!

OP posts:
blondieminx · 12/06/2023 11:42

It is unreasonable to send him to his parents. Firstly because they are older, secondly because the germ is already in your house and it may already be too late.

open all the windows for excellent ventilation in your home.

use the boots first defence spray. Use mouthwash with CPC in it. Do this 3x a day.

Ask him to wear a high grade mask and you could do the same.

clean down touchpoints (taps, light switches, door handles, remotes)

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:42

If I can't make her wedding it would most definitely ruin it. That has as good as been said. She only has one other and she's not giving a speech etc.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/06/2023 11:44

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 11:42

If I can't make her wedding it would most definitely ruin it. That has as good as been said. She only has one other and she's not giving a speech etc.

I couldn't imagine any bride in the world being as invested in their own wedding as much as you are coming across about one that is not your own

VivaLesTartes · 12/06/2023 11:44

Honestly, I totally get what you are trying to do and I think you have good reasons, but, if my DH gets something by the time it presents itself the chances are I already have it. I've had him come down with a cold in the morning, work away for two days and the colds set in with me by the time he gets back. For some reason it doesn't happen the other way round
So chances are - you've already got it or you've already had it and not going to get it. Either way definitely don't go and stay with the bride now or you risk passing it on and her having a cold on her wedding day.
Give it a couple of days hopefully you'll both be fine.

FangsForTheMemory · 12/06/2023 11:45

by the time you have cold symptoms you aren’t infectious any more. Als
o, going camping won’t give you cold. A virus will.

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