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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to stay at his parents for the week?

170 replies

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 09:42

I'm not sure who is being unreasonable here.. happy to be corrected if I am, this has caused some contention in the house this morning 😅

Partner has come down with a stinking cold. Probably self inflicted for buggering off camping this weekend, while I stayed home cleaning like a good little house maid as usual. (So yes a little resentment there haha)

Anyway, he's come down with a stinking could and is spluttering everywhere, sneezing, a giant hot mess. I am going to be the maid of honour at my best friends wedding in like 4-5 days time. My immune system is also rather crap. I can't be in a wedding party with eyes streaming and good knows what else.. or even worse pass it to the bride! I've got a speech to do, I'm walking down the aisle first etc so I can notttt get ill this week and have done so much for this wedding!

His parents live around the corner. They aren't vulnerable or particularly old. They're healthy, his mum enjoys fussing over him anyway so he'd get treated like a prince! Am I unreasonable to ask him to go there for a few days so I don't catch this and mess up everything at the wedding?

It's going to be harder for me to relocate, I have a very important work presentation to do this week with external clients (wfh) and need a desk with 2 screens and any options I have wouldn't have a proper work space, or probably much peace and quiet. Bride has said I can stay with her but then I will struggle to concentrate from a work perspective, it's also miles away so I'll need to be travelling back every other day for personal training sessions, visiting a sick relative etc. so it's just not as practical.

My partner is still working (also from home) so it's not like he's super poorly and unable to just push through. His response was he doesn't want to make people ill by going there. If it was any other week I wouldn't be asking, but in this circumstance am I being unreasonable? He doesn't seem worried if I get ill and then the bride & co do when I stay there the night before the wedding. But doesn't want his parents to catch it when they're both fit and healthy and have nothing happening this weekend.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Motnight · 12/06/2023 10:24

It's his home. I don't think it's a nice thing to do to ask him to leave it because of some cold that you might catch that you might then pass on.

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:26

Motnight · 12/06/2023 10:24

It's his home. I don't think it's a nice thing to do to ask him to leave it because of some cold that you might catch that you might then pass on.

Ok. That's fine I appreciate the other perspective. I'm purely looking at it from the bride point of view here I think - as I imagine most in her position would be like he needs to go 😂

He would have his own room there and be very well taken care of which is why I suggested it. But I do appreciate that when we are unwell we do just want to be in our own homes. Kinda damned if I do damned if I don't!

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:27

(I did tell her what went on which is why she said he should be going to his parents...)

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/06/2023 10:28

Why can't you go and stay at his parents?

WandaWonder · 12/06/2023 10:29

Goodness sakes why does he have to be banished?

Imagine 'I am sick and my dh wants me to leave for week as he has a wedding to go'

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:30

WandaWonder · 12/06/2023 10:29

Goodness sakes why does he have to be banished?

Imagine 'I am sick and my dh wants me to leave for week as he has a wedding to go'

Banished is a bit dramatic?

That's why I'm asking. To not make people sick at their own wedding, it was clear in my OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:31

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/06/2023 10:28

Why can't you go and stay at his parents?

I have answered that too. Because of some critical work I need to deliver and having no setup to do it there.

OP posts:
RobertsRadio · 12/06/2023 10:32

YANBU. As you have outlined this is a particularly bad time to get a cold and I would also want to do anything to try and avoid getting a cold just before a wedding and potentially passing it on to the bride and groom and guests.

If I was your DH in this situation I would understand your concerns, would not want to be responsible for passing on a cold to the honeymoon couple and wedding guests and would take myself off to my parents round the corner and let my Mum "enjoy fussing over me". Of course that would be dependant on the parents being ok with this, but I don't think this is an unreasonable request given the circumstances.

bibbityboppityboo · 12/06/2023 10:32

He needs to keep himself out of the common areas and clean up after himself + use tissues at all times!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all really, it's a really important day for your friend that you've probably all been looking forward to for so long - you definitely don't want to be ill, it'll spoil your enjoyment and probably the speech / photos I've you've got a terrible immune system.

Honestly my DH would have offered! I understand it's not ideal, but I also know my MIL would be in her element looking after him too 😂

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:32

WandaWonder · 12/06/2023 10:29

Goodness sakes why does he have to be banished?

Imagine 'I am sick and my dh wants me to leave for week as he has a wedding to go'

We are both going to the wedding. So that's not quite it, I am the MOH not just a guest. I fully expect his cold will be gone and he will be coming to the wedding but both the bride and I are somewhat expecting that it'll come out in me the night before and then I'll pass it on to her and it'll all just be a bit of a mess that's all

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/06/2023 10:34

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:32

We are both going to the wedding. So that's not quite it, I am the MOH not just a guest. I fully expect his cold will be gone and he will be coming to the wedding but both the bride and I are somewhat expecting that it'll come out in me the night before and then I'll pass it on to her and it'll all just be a bit of a mess that's all

Show quote history

Hang on - he's going to the wedding as well and you've already spent a night together?

So what's the point in sending him to his parents house now? Seems a bit pointless if a) you've already spent time together and live together and b) he's going to the wedding anyway Confused

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:34

bibbityboppityboo · 12/06/2023 10:32

He needs to keep himself out of the common areas and clean up after himself + use tissues at all times!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all really, it's a really important day for your friend that you've probably all been looking forward to for so long - you definitely don't want to be ill, it'll spoil your enjoyment and probably the speech / photos I've you've got a terrible immune system.

Honestly my DH would have offered! I understand it's not ideal, but I also know my MIL would be in her element looking after him too 😂

Thank you for this perspective!

It's exactly that. And also that he just doesn't think so he won't be cleaning up after himself, he's probably coughing then opening door handles etc as he just doesn't work that way.

I know this cos I caught covid from him twice and that's with him wearing a mask and trying to isolate himself 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:35

RobertsRadio · 12/06/2023 10:32

YANBU. As you have outlined this is a particularly bad time to get a cold and I would also want to do anything to try and avoid getting a cold just before a wedding and potentially passing it on to the bride and groom and guests.

If I was your DH in this situation I would understand your concerns, would not want to be responsible for passing on a cold to the honeymoon couple and wedding guests and would take myself off to my parents round the corner and let my Mum "enjoy fussing over me". Of course that would be dependant on the parents being ok with this, but I don't think this is an unreasonable request given the circumstances.

Thank you. His mum has already offered TO ME as well.. so of course I'd not 'banish' him without their welcome. She would weirdly love it.

I'm glad some people can understand my perspective so thank you 😊

OP posts:
WetBandits · 12/06/2023 10:37

Goodness, what a fuss over a cold! Confused

Also Shock that you made him sleep on the floor when he’s poorly and now you want to expose his parents to it as they’re less important than the bride? I didn’t know bridesmaidzillas were a thing but now I do…

Bluebells1970 · 12/06/2023 10:37

Knowing what DH is like with a cold, I think I'd live and sleep elsewhere for the week and leave him to it.

He's a performance sneezer (the Oscar worthy kind), so I don't stand a prayer if he's got a cold Hmm

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:37

I will be going to the wedding separately to him as I'm getting ready with the bride. We only really crossed paths for a few hours last night so I don't think I'd have caught it from him yet though of course it's possible

The point is because he is likely contagious now and it'll be gone soon. So if we are separated til he's over the worst of it in a few days then everything goes ahead unplanned. Of course he is invited to the wedding, he's very close friends with the groom too. (And shouldn't want to infect him either haha)

OP posts:
Newname211 · 12/06/2023 10:38

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:27

(I did tell her what went on which is why she said he should be going to his parents...)

So your friend suggested this? Your friend is batshit. It’s a wedding.

Why can’t you sleep on the floor in the spare room?

RobertsRadio · 12/06/2023 10:39

Try and appeal to his better nature and ask him does he want to spoil the wedding for you and the bride or maybe get the bride to ask him to move to his parents for her sake.

Scalottia · 12/06/2023 10:39

TheShellBeach · 12/06/2023 10:13

How did camping make him get a cold?

It didn't. Colds just happen. OP for some reason your post has annoyed me on your partner's behalf. I can't imagine wanting my partner to leave his own home because of a cold, no matter the reason. But then, weddings are no big deal to me so 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:39

WetBandits · 12/06/2023 10:37

Goodness, what a fuss over a cold! Confused

Also Shock that you made him sleep on the floor when he’s poorly and now you want to expose his parents to it as they’re less important than the bride? I didn’t know bridesmaidzillas were a thing but now I do…

Excuse me!!!

I did not 'make' him sleep on the floor. He took himself off cos he couldn't get comfortable and didn't want to keep me up all night. I didn't tell him to do anything.

It's not bridesmaidzilla, it's not wanting to ruin a couples wedding if you think you can help it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:40

Bluebells1970 · 12/06/2023 10:37

Knowing what DH is like with a cold, I think I'd live and sleep elsewhere for the week and leave him to it.

He's a performance sneezer (the Oscar worthy kind), so I don't stand a prayer if he's got a cold Hmm

Haha yep same sneezes here, I swear they could shatter glass!

If I wasn't so anxious about my presentation that's what I'd have done, and I'm still looking into that.. but just don't know how I'm going to present and chair a meeting all at once on my tiny laptop otherwise

OP posts:
WetBandits · 12/06/2023 10:41

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:39

Excuse me!!!

I did not 'make' him sleep on the floor. He took himself off cos he couldn't get comfortable and didn't want to keep me up all night. I didn't tell him to do anything.

It's not bridesmaidzilla, it's not wanting to ruin a couples wedding if you think you can help it.

Show quote history

Classic AIBU 🙄 you asked if you were being unreasonable, most people have said that you are and now you’re stamping your feet saying you’re not. Why even bother posting 😂

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/06/2023 10:41

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:37

I will be going to the wedding separately to him as I'm getting ready with the bride. We only really crossed paths for a few hours last night so I don't think I'd have caught it from him yet though of course it's possible

The point is because he is likely contagious now and it'll be gone soon. So if we are separated til he's over the worst of it in a few days then everything goes ahead unplanned. Of course he is invited to the wedding, he's very close friends with the groom too. (And shouldn't want to infect him either haha)

I just think it's not very kind to basically kick someone out of their own home because they have a cold.

If you're worried about passing it on, then it's on you to take whatever precautions you feel are necessary - so separate rooms (even if that means sleeping on the sofa or on an air mattress) or you going to stay elsewhere for a few days.

My perspective is that I would hate to be sick in someone else's house, but then I hate being fussed over - I just want to be left alone in my own bed with my own home comforts.

Scalottia · 12/06/2023 10:41

ErinAndTonic · 12/06/2023 10:18

We don't have a bed in there at the moment unfortunately. I would have covered the easiest options first if they were possible. We are renovating the room. He slept on the floor last night and I don't want him to have to do that again.

Show quote history

He's the sick one, but he is sleeping on the floor?? Bloody hell OP.

Mariposista · 12/06/2023 10:42

Before covid this question would never have been asked!
He should be using tissues and covering his mouth of course but he also has the right to live in his own house!