To have felt betrayed by my friend?

[MammaDaisy]

I have been friends with Marie for over 30 years. Long term school friends and then adult friends, living in same town- do a lot together and our children grew up together.

So you can imagine our delight when her DS and my DD started dating each other 5 years ago- both in their mid twenties. It went incredibly well to begin with, and me and my friend were really happy that not only our kids were happy but at the thought of future shared grandchildren etc.

Anyway, last year things turned a little sour when her DS cheated on my DD. It came completely out of the blue for DD the cheating, although she did admit that their relationship had been rocky for a while. Things were bad between them so her DS stayed in their flat and we welcomed DD home with us. We hoped they’d either find their way back together or find a way to split more amicably but we tried not to get involved.

That was until around two months after their split, when I found that Marie had not only known her son was cheating on DD for at least a few months but had also welcomed this woman into her home a few times- and within around four months of DD coming home to live with us- her DS had moved this woman into the flat he used to share with DD.

Now, I’ve been sort of giving Marie the cold shoulder since then- though our DH’s have seen each other a few times. She’s messaged asking to meet but I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed? It hasn’t helped that DD’s mental health has taken such a hit and having her home and witnessing her heartbreak has been hard. DD has said she wouldn’t mind me seeing Marie as I didn’t want to upset her but I don’t know.

Marie has continually messaged and asked that we don’t fall out over the “kids” and that she wants to meet for coffee to talk? So I guess WWYD?

Of course Marie is going to have to welcome the "new woman", that's her son what do you expect her to do? Disown him.

She's right, you shouldn't allow it to effect your friendship. She didn't force him to cheat, it's not her fault about your daughter neither. It's not fair to punish her.

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear in my post. She was welcoming the new woman while my DD and her son were still together.

and of course not, I’m not expecting her to disown her son.

Hmmm hard one TBH, but the fact she knew her son was cheating would make me feel a bit pissed but then again he is an adult so she technically can't tell him what to do 🤷‍♀️.

Realistically that is a hard one to forgive. I think you can say so to her face if she asks.

Wow this is difficult. I would've said try to move past it with no hesitation had you not said Marie had enabled her DS and the OW to carry on in plain sight. I'm not sure I could forgive that tbh. Has she apologised for that?

Honestly? I kind of get where you’re coming from but I wouldn’t lose a long-standing and otherwise good friendship over this.

I would tell my adult son to tell his girlfriend regardless of his age.

I’d probably hear her out. You don’t know what he told her. Once you hear what she has to say you can make your mind up about continuing or not. I hope your daughter is ok.

The but I couldn't forget is where she accepted the other woman into her home behind your dd back.
But I also would want to get my facts straight before I decided.
So meet up with her and openly discuss this whole thing and see if you can find a way forward if you want to.
Your friend was probably in a very awkward position.
Meet her and see how it goes.
I hope your dd feels better soon.💐

I’d be tempted to message and say that you are disappointed and struggling to deal with the fact she allowed the other woman in to her home while her son was still with your DD. Explain you dont blame her for the cheating or the seperation of your children, but would have hoped she would not have enabled the cheating.

See what she has to say I suppose.

If it wasn’t for the element of her letting the woman into her home I would say to be forgiving. It’s not her fault he cheated and I wouldn’t necessarily expect her to tell anyone about the cheating of her so , but letting him bring her home before they had broken up is harsh.

I would just tell her straight up what she did was rotten and see what she says.

You've found out the kind of person she truly is.

Plus her son is a liar and a cheat.

So not only was the son cheating on your daughter, but his mother was welcoming this woman into her house?? No I’m done with this friendship. I would not even text her back, just block her. I’m presuming the “kids” are adults so this woman should have sat her son down and said absolutely no to welcoming the OW into her home until he had ended the relationship with your DD. Your poor daughter what a loser and his mother is shameless to message you what she did. Walk away you do not need friends who would treat your DD like she was nothing.

That’s what hits the hardest. She’s known DD since she was born. I understand people break up, things happen and if it was a standard break up then sure we’d all move on with it especially us as friends but she didn’t just know her son was cheating she essentially enabled it by endorsing it and that I can’t find it hard to forgive.

i would hear out her explanation in case she wasn’t aware the other woman was in the house

If she was aware of the situation I think you need to take a stand
To enable cheating is a dealbreaker
I would put my daughter first and not bother with this woman who can’t teach her son morals

I can’t see the friendship recovering from this
just concentrate on supporting your daughter

How do you know she was welcoming this other woman? I'd meet with her and see what she's got to say, and I'd likely sleep on it afterwards before I made any decisions on the future of your friendship, I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her how disappointed you were. But I think you definitely need her side of the story on this one.

It is a difficult one. Of course you feel betrayed but I would hear her out. 30 years is a long time. Let her explain herself her actione.

I'd be done with her.

She isn't to blame for her DS cheating or even not telling you.

However, she needs to take ownership of facilitating his cheating. That's the unforgivable betrayal.

I think I would be tempted to meet her and hear her out - she may not have known all the facts. You don't know what her son might have been telling her.

Then make a decision.

However - My Mum never had my back in situations like this and I am advising you that your daughter may feel VERY upset and betrayed if your friend DID know and you are keeping her in your life. Your daughter may tell you she is ok with it but that may not be the case. Please make your own child your priority.

Your friend didn’t care about your daughter OP, if she did she would not of enabled his behaviour. What he did outside was his actions alone but her allowing the OW into her home says how much she didn’t care about your daughter or you and your very long friendship, I would be fuming with the both of them.

I wouldn't be able to forgive this

Tbh you don't know if she actually WELCOMED the new girlfriend or was just being polite for her son's sake - which is something you do to support your child ( I say 'child' even thought they're adults)
Maybe she knows how you must be feeling and wants to just explain? Don't throw away a friendship until you've heard the other side?

How do you know she was 'welcoming' the other woman?

I’d speak to her and see what she has to say. I’ve been in a vaguely similar situation with my DB and honestly, honestly I didn’t have a clue that his friend was anything else.

Fundamentally though, I think you’ll find it very hard to stay friends.

You cannot maintain a relationship. Disservice to your dd.

That would be the bit that would really upset me. I think it's difficult as even though she knew I don't know that she should have told you as her loyalty needs to be to her son however if it was my son I'd be telling him that there is no way he would be bringing another woman round whilst still with his GF.