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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have felt betrayed by my friend?

139 replies

MammaDaisy · 11/06/2023 21:30

I have been friends with Marie for over 30 years. Long term school friends and then adult friends, living in same town- do a lot together and our children grew up together.

So you can imagine our delight when her DS and my DD started dating each other 5 years ago- both in their mid twenties. It went incredibly well to begin with, and me and my friend were really happy that not only our kids were happy but at the thought of future shared grandchildren etc.

Anyway, last year things turned a little sour when her DS cheated on my DD. It came completely out of the blue for DD the cheating, although she did admit that their relationship had been rocky for a while. Things were bad between them so her DS stayed in their flat and we welcomed DD home with us. We hoped they’d either find their way back together or find a way to split more amicably but we tried not to get involved.

That was until around two months after their split, when I found that Marie had not only known her son was cheating on DD for at least a few months but had also welcomed this woman into her home a few times- and within around four months of DD coming home to live with us- her DS had moved this woman into the flat he used to share with DD.

Now, I’ve been sort of giving Marie the cold shoulder since then- though our DH’s have seen each other a few times. She’s messaged asking to meet but I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed? It hasn’t helped that DD’s mental health has taken such a hit and having her home and witnessing her heartbreak has been hard. DD has said she wouldn’t mind me seeing Marie as I didn’t want to upset her but I don’t know.

Marie has continually messaged and asked that we don’t fall out over the “kids” and that she wants to meet for coffee to talk? So I guess WWYD?

OP posts:
aloris · 12/06/2023 00:08

I think it's unrealistic to expect your friendship with Marie would last beyond the breakup between your children.

JudgeRudy · 12/06/2023 00:10

At the start of your post you said you were delighted your children were dating and my first thoughts were, really? I wouldn't for the exact reasons you've described.
OK so the son cheated. Your daughter had said things weren't going well. It's likely he knew this woman and theyve ended up in bed together but it was more than sex. Im guessing he's told his mum coz he's torn and doesn't know what to do, but takes a few weeks to make up his mind/have the courage to call it off. He likely cared and had feelings for your daughter but it wasn't working.
What do you think Marie dhould have done? Come and told you so you could tell your son. I'd bet she told her son to sort it and do the right thing. Which he did. Yes he cheated, but he wasn't 'caught out'. He confessed he'd been seeing someone else and it was over. If he'd have told her a few weeks earlier then dated new GF next day would it have made much difference?
None of this is your friends responsibility. She's done nothing wrong. Her son has, but he's made it as right as he can.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2023 00:10

MammaDaisy · 11/06/2023 21:59

Because when they split DS mentioned that the OW had met all his family spent time round his parents and with his brother and that was what he was “sorry for the most” And every time I’ve texted friend about this she’s just asked for us to talk but won’t say either that she knew or she didn’t which makes me think she did tbh.

So meet up and talk.

steff13 · 12/06/2023 00:12

Floribundaflummery · 11/06/2023 22:19

I just don’t understand why your friend would accept OW in her house if she knew he was dating her while living as your DD’s partner. Who does that? Definitely good to hear her version but if she condoned it, that is utterly disloyal.

That's what sticks with me. And how was he raised to think that was ok, that his mom wouldn't object? It's one thing for her to be welcoming once the relationship had broken up but when she knew that they were still together and that he was cheating, that is another story in my opinion.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/06/2023 00:14

savethegorgeousbees · 11/06/2023 21:35

Hmmm hard one TBH, but the fact she knew her son was cheating would make me feel a bit pissed but then again he is an adult so she technically can't tell him what to do 🤷‍♀️.

Disagree. She certainly can pull him up on his treatment of OPs daughter.

That's what a person of integrity would do. He's not obliged to continue the relationship but he is obliged to be honest with his live in partner.

frazzledasarock · 12/06/2023 00:15

You know how Marie took her sons side and welcomed OW and kept quiet about the affair. Totally taking her sons side because blood and all that.

I’d be blocking Marie on everything, ignoring her completely and not bothering with her again. Because being there for my daughter and supporting her is important, and showing her that someone who helps hurt my child is never going to be a friend of mine.

Marie chose to support her son. You support your child.

steff13 · 12/06/2023 00:21

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/06/2023 00:14

Disagree. She certainly can pull him up on his treatment of OPs daughter.

That's what a person of integrity would do. He's not obliged to continue the relationship but he is obliged to be honest with his live in partner.

Show quote history

Exactly. Neither of my sons would do this because they would know how disappointed I would be in that behavior. Once the relationship is over that's a different thing. But I can't see either of them thinking that I would be okay with them bringing home someone that they're having an affair with.

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2023 00:32

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear in my post. She was welcoming the new woman while my DD and her son were still together.

If you DO want to try to salvage the friendship, I would ask her openly and (if you can) without recrimination about this, explaining that you're finding this part difficult to process.

If she responds by telling you it's no big deal or that you need to build a bridge and get over it, well, you'll know where you stand.

Ferferksake · 12/06/2023 00:36

I'd definitely hear her side of the story. How do you know he didn't just introduce her as "a friend from work" when he took her home? You said she spent time with his brother - was his brother complicit and claiming she was his girlfriend? There is too much unknown. If she admits she knew and allowed it to continue unchallenged, then I'd have to cut ties because she would know that was hurtful to your daughter.

BackAgainstWall · 12/06/2023 00:38

First and foremost I would definitely put your DD above everything and really support her.

I presume you don’t know if her DS duped your friend, under the guise that this girl was just a friend bla bla bla?

The problem with that is you’ll never really know the actual truth.

I would probably want to meet her to listen to her version of events, but would end the relationship regardless of what she said, a) to support your DD and b) because the friendship would always be damaged.

Sadly there are some things that can never be repaired.

JennyJenny8675309 · 12/06/2023 00:41

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/06/2023 22:07

Meh 🤷🏽‍♀️
It was just mundane cheating.
Maybe sucks, but it’s so common that who cares?
I wouldn’t lose such a long friendship over so silly thing.

Your dismissiveness isn’t helpful. Just “mundane cheating”, “who cares” and “silly”. Surely you’re a troll.

pinkginfizz9 · 12/06/2023 01:06

Blood is thicker than water OP

ZekeZeke · 12/06/2023 01:29

I wouldn't drop a 30 year friendship without hearing the friends explanation first.

BadNomad · 12/06/2023 01:31

You are being unreasonable to expect her to put your friendship before her son. Her son is a total dick for putting her in the position of greeting his affair partner and then later revealing she knew about it. He clearly didn't care how it would affect her friendship with you. But people who cheat aren't known for their selflessness and consideration for others, so it's no surprise really.

JandalsAlways · 12/06/2023 02:25

Butchyrestingface · 12/06/2023 00:32

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear in my post. She was welcoming the new woman while my DD and her son were still together.

If you DO want to try to salvage the friendship, I would ask her openly and (if you can) without recrimination about this, explaining that you're finding this part difficult to process.

If she responds by telling you it's no big deal or that you need to build a bridge and get over it, well, you'll know where you stand.

This. Have a conversation

FortofPud · 12/06/2023 02:32

Personally i think I'd wait until your dd is in a really good place before meeting her. It's potentially healable, but I do agree that it was a betrayal of sorts on the part of your dd, and so your loyalty needs to sit very firmly with her. I wouldn't snub friend but would tell her that you understand she was in a difficult position, however what happened was at the expense of your dd and so you don't want to do anything right now that might further any hurt for her. You hope to have a chat at some point in the future.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 12/06/2023 03:04

I can understand her not telling you or DD about the cheating, but welcoming OW into her home crosses a line. If you can talk to her I think it would be good to do so to find out exactly what is meant here, whether it was DS turned up with OW so she gritted her teeth and was polite while inwardly fuming and gave him a serving later about his bad behaviour or she was actually welcomed into the family while he was still with DD. The later is unforgivable in my view and that's not falling out over the kids it's falling out because your friend betrayed your friendship by having an active role in facilitating your DD being cheated on.

Icedlatteplease · 12/06/2023 03:43

aloris · 12/06/2023 00:08

I think it's unrealistic to expect your friendship with Marie would last beyond the breakup between your children.

This

She may say it's OK to continue the friendship, but the reality of that is likely to feel very different if you do it. Loyalty matters.

CharlieRight · 12/06/2023 06:42

Sorry to say this but the relationship was probably a bad idea to start with, such a mixture of expectation and divided loyalties always had the potential to explode.

I think you are not being unreasonable to feel betrayed and angry. However you must realise that your friend couldn't say anything to you or your daughter without betraying her own son. We don't know what she said to her son about messing your daughter about. An impossible situation. I think there is room for forgiveness

I hope your daughter gets back on track.

Awrite · 12/06/2023 07:34

I'm a pretty forgiving type. However, if someone hurts one of my children, I'd struggle. She's part of whatever happened here and her dismissive 'let's not fall out over the kids' wouldn't help.

Dooopylally · 12/06/2023 08:05

CharlieRight · 12/06/2023 06:42

Sorry to say this but the relationship was probably a bad idea to start with, such a mixture of expectation and divided loyalties always had the potential to explode.

I think you are not being unreasonable to feel betrayed and angry. However you must realise that your friend couldn't say anything to you or your daughter without betraying her own son. We don't know what she said to her son about messing your daughter about. An impossible situation. I think there is room for forgiveness

I hope your daughter gets back on track.

I agree with this, there must have been a lot of unspoken pressure for them to stay together when the mums were friends and the dads were friends too.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/06/2023 08:14

I would meet with her, and ask her why, having known your daughter all her life she thought it acceptable her son cheat and she collude with him, meet the OW, say nothing and let it continue

then I would advise that she is right to support her son however she wishes, but you are picking up the pieces on something she knew and colluded about and that’s not on, so the friendship is over, and she and her son take the blame for that

she is not someone I could trust ever again

Rubychews · 12/06/2023 08:18

It’s the fact that she enabled her son to be awful to your daughter is enough for me to walk away. If she didn’t know there is nothing to forgive but she did know.

Lockupyourbiscuits · 12/06/2023 08:33

It could be the OW may be one of the brothers friends
However like someone said up thread their relationship always had a risk of encroaching on your friendship
my own daughter began dating a friends son
fortunately he ghosted her - I say fortunately because as far as I know my friend is unaware they ever dated and we have never spoken of it !

MagpiePi · 12/06/2023 08:50

I would meet up. Marie clearly has another view on the situation and wants to try and explain in person.

The OP said that the relationship had been rocky before but we don’t know why. Perhaps the DD was being a complete cow to the DS and Marie was biting her lip not feeling it was fair but not being able to talk about it to the OP because the OP has rose tinted glasses when it comes to her DD? (I’ll get my flak jacket)