To have felt betrayed by my friend?

[MammaDaisy]

I have been friends with Marie for over 30 years. Long term school friends and then adult friends, living in same town- do a lot together and our children grew up together.

So you can imagine our delight when her DS and my DD started dating each other 5 years ago- both in their mid twenties. It went incredibly well to begin with, and me and my friend were really happy that not only our kids were happy but at the thought of future shared grandchildren etc.

Anyway, last year things turned a little sour when her DS cheated on my DD. It came completely out of the blue for DD the cheating, although she did admit that their relationship had been rocky for a while. Things were bad between them so her DS stayed in their flat and we welcomed DD home with us. We hoped they’d either find their way back together or find a way to split more amicably but we tried not to get involved.

That was until around two months after their split, when I found that Marie had not only known her son was cheating on DD for at least a few months but had also welcomed this woman into her home a few times- and within around four months of DD coming home to live with us- her DS had moved this woman into the flat he used to share with DD.

Now, I’ve been sort of giving Marie the cold shoulder since then- though our DH’s have seen each other a few times. She’s messaged asking to meet but I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed? It hasn’t helped that DD’s mental health has taken such a hit and having her home and witnessing her heartbreak has been hard. DD has said she wouldn’t mind me seeing Marie as I didn’t want to upset her but I don’t know.

Marie has continually messaged and asked that we don’t fall out over the “kids” and that she wants to meet for coffee to talk? So I guess WWYD?

Because when they split DS mentioned that the OW had met all his family spent time round his parents and with his brother and that was what he was “sorry for the most” And every time I’ve texted friend about this she’s just asked for us to talk but won’t say either that she knew or she didn’t which makes me think she did tbh.

I can imagine being Marie and being polite to this new guest whilst at the same being furious with my son and shouting at him to tell his current partner or end the new relationship. Maybe Marie wants to tell you how angry she is with her son and how difficult it was for her to remain civil with the new woman. Give her a chance to explain at least. Idiot man. Hope your daughter is ok

My daughter would always come before any friend. Your daughter says she would be ok with you seeing your friend, but it will probably still hurt her, so I personally would carry on avoiding. It's a shame, but friends come and go throughout your life, and this is just over of those times.

I hope your daughter feels better soon.

What’s Marie’s relationship like with her DS? Some mothers become scared of their sons when they become adults or scared they will leave them alone if reprimanded. No excuse - as you would hope Marie would have stood up to him and said he needed to be a man and be honest with your Dd - the only way you will know is if you meet her and talk it all through

Wow easy to see where her ds got his loyalty gene from. Or lack of.
Ditch her. She put her ds getting his end away over your dd's mental health... No friend at all.

Meh 🤷🏽‍♀️
It was just mundane cheating.
Maybe sucks, but it’s so common that who cares?
I wouldn’t lose such a long friendship over so silly thing.

I would block her and let that be the end of it. I personally wouldn’t have entertained the ow being in my house until my son had ended his relationship with your dd. What was your long time ‘ friend’ thinking.

I'd message her and tell her that you would have been quite happy not to fall out "over the kids", if she hadn't been complicit in the lies.

She knew he was shagging about behind your DD's back. She could have made her son come clean. She chose not to, and therefore went along with her son's cheating.

It's not the kind of friend I'd want in my life. Fuck around and find out, as the kids say these days.

If you want to continue the friendship then I'd suggest you meet her and have a convenient about everything

I’d be tempted to hear her side of the story, but ultimately your loyalty lies with your daughter. Such a sad situation for everyone involved.
How do you know she knew her son was cheating?

I would not want to see her. Not after she knew but didn’t let on

I would definitely hear her out regarding whether or not she actually welcomed the other woman into her home.

I would need to understand the truth in that before making a decision on whether to continue the friendship.

I agree with SixOClock. I would have told my son to be honest with his partner and not encouraged a new relationship while he was still involved with someone else.

The op’s daughter cares a great deal, I would imagine.

That’s unforgivable. Cut the knobhead, cheating DS and his traitorous parents off.

I have adult sons and would never allow 'ow' over my threshold, whilst my son was in a relationship. The fact your friend allowed this to happen is disgraceful.

I really don't know how she'd try and justify her, and her families, behaviour.

You daughter should come first... she's your priority now.

Of course your daughters going to say ' I don't mind you continuing to be friends '

I'd cut the whole lot off and your husband should do the same.

I'd be fucking raging if my son expected me to meet the ow,whilst living with his partner.

The fact your family has all this history of friendship makes it so much worse.

Your poor girl.

I admire the people who are saying that they'd try and get passed it, and not lose a good friend. Personally, I couldn't forgive this, and would not be able to be friends with someone who acted in this way.

It's complicated when it's your kids, even if their behaviour is appalling. I would want yo hear her out and then make my decision on the friendship.

I just don’t understand why your friend would accept OW in her house if she knew he was dating her while living as your DD’s partner. Who does that? Definitely good to hear her version but if she condoned it, that is utterly disloyal.

Hi Marie, no we shouldn’t fall out over the kids. The reason why I am avoiding you is that I am devastated and hurt that YOU knew this affair was happening and didn’t tell me or dd. The cheating, the breakup is all things I can deal with. What I am struggling to comprehend is how I can get past my supposed friend knowing that my dd was being cheated on and during that time instead of standing up for what was right welcoming her into your home whilst ur ds still lived with my her?! You try explaining that to me.

I would definitely hear her out. You've known each other for 30yrs, it would be silly not to. She may well have told her son all manner of things but that doesn't mean he would have to act on them. You need to know if the OW being in her home was presented as the OW and not just a friend or colleague. Unless you speak to her you will each only have your own half of the story.

Given that your DD and her DS will each have their own version of events, you need to speak to your friend and ask her directly.

Absolutely this.

All she had to do was tell her son that the other woman wasn't welcome in her home until he told your DD (assuming she knew they were having a relationship). I honestly can't see any shades of grey in this.

Marie is just as much as a scumbag as her son is. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I’d meet up and then tell her that she should have done a better job at raising her son.

Where did the phrase "welcoming" come from?
i would think hearing her out (and having the chance to have your say) might bring you some closure.