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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have felt betrayed by my friend?

139 replies

MammaDaisy · 11/06/2023 21:30

I have been friends with Marie for over 30 years. Long term school friends and then adult friends, living in same town- do a lot together and our children grew up together.

So you can imagine our delight when her DS and my DD started dating each other 5 years ago- both in their mid twenties. It went incredibly well to begin with, and me and my friend were really happy that not only our kids were happy but at the thought of future shared grandchildren etc.

Anyway, last year things turned a little sour when her DS cheated on my DD. It came completely out of the blue for DD the cheating, although she did admit that their relationship had been rocky for a while. Things were bad between them so her DS stayed in their flat and we welcomed DD home with us. We hoped they’d either find their way back together or find a way to split more amicably but we tried not to get involved.

That was until around two months after their split, when I found that Marie had not only known her son was cheating on DD for at least a few months but had also welcomed this woman into her home a few times- and within around four months of DD coming home to live with us- her DS had moved this woman into the flat he used to share with DD.

Now, I’ve been sort of giving Marie the cold shoulder since then- though our DH’s have seen each other a few times. She’s messaged asking to meet but I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed? It hasn’t helped that DD’s mental health has taken such a hit and having her home and witnessing her heartbreak has been hard. DD has said she wouldn’t mind me seeing Marie as I didn’t want to upset her but I don’t know.

Marie has continually messaged and asked that we don’t fall out over the “kids” and that she wants to meet for coffee to talk? So I guess WWYD?

OP posts:
Malificent1 · 12/06/2023 08:54

MammaDaisy · 11/06/2023 21:48

That’s what hits the hardest. She’s known DD since she was born. I understand people break up, things happen and if it was a standard break up then sure we’d all move on with it especially us as friends but she didn’t just know her son was cheating she essentially enabled it by endorsing it and that I can’t find it hard to forgive.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t forgive that.

sparkleice · 12/06/2023 08:54

And every time I’ve texted friend about this she’s just asked for us to talk but won’t say either that she knew or she didn’t which makes me think she did tbh

Have you talked yet? I agree she was in a horrible position

Perime · 12/06/2023 08:58

I’d hear her out but would feel betrayed and very angry not because they’ve finished but the way it was done. Why did her son need to take the OW to his Mum’s house in the first place? I think he was looking for validation but until you speak to your friend and find out what happened you won’t know that. I would feel very betrayed - she’s known your daughter since birth fgs.

I hope your daughter can get to a place where she can recognise the issues in the relationship that weren’t working for her and be able to move on. It’s hard being a Mum even when they’re adults.

Gymgoingfool · 12/06/2023 09:00

Are you sure you habe the full story op? That she didn’t meet her as a friend of his?

leopard22 · 12/06/2023 09:41

I would meet up to hear her out but if it's as you suspect, I would be telling her that's exactly what has ruined the friendship, not the cheating, not the split but the fact she enabled it! Even if she told her DS to tell your DD and he didn't, she still should have drawn the line at inviting her in to the family until the situation was resolved properly with your daughter!

Honestly, how does she expect you to feel! Pretty sure she wouldn't be saying don't let it ruin your friendship if you had done that.

RideMeSidewaysWasAnother1 · 12/06/2023 09:47

I would meet with Marie, hear her out and also let her know how hurt you are. At the same time, if the shoe had been on the other foot and you knew your daughter was cheating on her son what would you have done other than tell her to cut it out and be honest with him?

RideMeSidewaysWasAnother1 · 12/06/2023 09:48

I agree with other posters though that I wouldn't have been inviting the other woman into my home neither during the cheating or immediately after.

Dozycuntlaters · 12/06/2023 09:55

I would hate for my son to date any of my friends daughters because at the end of the day, should it go tits up it is always going to damage the friendship.

I honestly think you should talk to her because I cannot get my head around the fact that she welcomed this woman into her home knowing he was cheating on your DD with her. My son is in a relatively newish relationship and if he were to cheat on her I would be furious with him and there is no way on earth I would entertain him bringing someone he was cheating on her with round my house. I'm a very laid back person and let a lot of stuff go but this.....sorry, if that were true I could not continue the friendship.

Hope your daughter is ok!

bakebeans · 12/06/2023 10:27

I would be inclined to meet her to find out why she was welcomed whilst they were together.

it's not her fault her son has cheated but she didn't need to condone it.
have your say

Endlesssummer2022 · 12/06/2023 10:43

If she was only aware he was cheating then I’d find it easier to forgive as it’s not her place to tell your DD (although I would’ve have expected her to tell her DS to do so). However, it’s the welcoming the OW into her home which is the hard bit. I don’t know if I could get past that to be honest. By doing this, she encouraged and facilitated the cheating.

U2HasTheEdge · 12/06/2023 10:46

I would not have felt delighted if my child started dating my best friend's child. It had disaster written all over it from day one.

Marie seems like she may have been in a difficult position. You don't really know what was said to the son, how she reacted, or anything. You don't know if she condoned his behaviour, or what conversations she had with her son.

If she has been your friend for so long, then you know her character and I assume she is a decent person. Hear her out, otherwise, your head will run away with you and a simple conversation could answer a lot of your questions and maybe ease some of the hurt.

Bronte347 · 12/06/2023 10:49

I would meet with her and explain why you feel annoyed. Personally I would feel the same as you , especially given the closeness of your friendship.
You may find out that she tried to get him to come clean but at the same time she shouldn't of welcomed the new girl into the house until he did the right thing and was honest.
It is a tough one but I think the best thing is to be honest and see if you can build bridges from there.

JulieHoney · 12/06/2023 11:09

Definitely hear her out.

LillyoftheMountain · 12/06/2023 11:29

If she didn’t want to fall out over the kids she wouldn’t have hosted the other woman in her home while her son was dating your daughter.

It’s easy to put the past in the past when you’re the one that has done something wrong.

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