To have felt betrayed by my friend?

[MammaDaisy]

I have been friends with Marie for over 30 years. Long term school friends and then adult friends, living in same town- do a lot together and our children grew up together.

So you can imagine our delight when her DS and my DD started dating each other 5 years ago- both in their mid twenties. It went incredibly well to begin with, and me and my friend were really happy that not only our kids were happy but at the thought of future shared grandchildren etc.

Anyway, last year things turned a little sour when her DS cheated on my DD. It came completely out of the blue for DD the cheating, although she did admit that their relationship had been rocky for a while. Things were bad between them so her DS stayed in their flat and we welcomed DD home with us. We hoped they’d either find their way back together or find a way to split more amicably but we tried not to get involved.

That was until around two months after their split, when I found that Marie had not only known her son was cheating on DD for at least a few months but had also welcomed this woman into her home a few times- and within around four months of DD coming home to live with us- her DS had moved this woman into the flat he used to share with DD.

Now, I’ve been sort of giving Marie the cold shoulder since then- though our DH’s have seen each other a few times. She’s messaged asking to meet but I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed? It hasn’t helped that DD’s mental health has taken such a hit and having her home and witnessing her heartbreak has been hard. DD has said she wouldn’t mind me seeing Marie as I didn’t want to upset her but I don’t know.

Marie has continually messaged and asked that we don’t fall out over the “kids” and that she wants to meet for coffee to talk? So I guess WWYD?

This x 100

I was initially in agreement with @MeMyCatsAndMyBooks but your update makes m change my mind. If she knew he was cheating before they broke up and welcomed the other woman then that would be it. Whilst she cannot force him to remain with your daughter I would expect her to tell him he was wrong and if he didn’t want to be with your DD anymore he should end it not cheat behind her back.

I couldn’t continue the friendship. She betrayed your daughter in a dreadful way. I’d put my daughter first, in your shoes.

I would meet her and hear her out.

Tbh she was in a no win situation. She tells you and your dd, her son possibly cuts her off. She doesn't tell you then you cut her off. Who know she may have had the - you have to tell her chats with her son.

I don't think your friendship will recover but I'd hear her side.

I would not meet with her or continue the friendship.

I wouldn't see her for a while and explain why. When your daughter is happy with a new man, perhaps you could see the old friend again, but now this would be too painful for your daughter.

Marie knew her that her shitty son was cheating on your daughter. A true friend would’ve told you. Marie kept quiet. I would tell Marie that she should’ve told your Dd that her son was cheating on her and saved the humiliation of this going on for so long. I wouldn’t forgive her for humiliating your Dd.

I do think you should hear her out. On the face of it I can understand how betrayed you feel but there may be an angle you’re not aware of. She may well have been furious with him but not felt able to challenge him for reasons you don’t know.

I would at least hear her side of it before throwing away a three decade friendship.

Marie would be dead to me after she facilitated in the betrayal of my child.

Your daughter has to come first, and both you AND your husband need to show her that you have her back, by cutting off this vile family.

So mundane it's affected her dd's mental health. Have you ever been cheated on? How would you feel if someone said, "meh, it's just mundane cheating, get over it"? 🙄

But Marie was welcoming the new woman into her home, while her son was still with his girlfriend. That's what's unforgivable.

I think it depends on what, exactly, she knew and what “welcomed the OW into her home” entailed. I might be tempted to hear her out (you might find the situation is not quite as you think, either for better or worse) and make a judgement based on that. But, if you don’t want to as you’ve decided that you can’t move past it no matter what she says (even if the situation is not as you thought) then I would just let her know and ask her to stop contacting you.

As to whether it is forgiveable, I think it depends. She is not responsible for her son’s cheating on your DD. And honestly, she was never going to tell your DD or you about her son’s behaviour (would you have told her if it was the other way round, especially if you thought it might impact on your relationship with your daughter?). For all you know she did tell him that she thought he should tell your DD, but she couldn’t make him do anything and interfering more directly could have had major repercussions within her family. I don’t think I’d end a friendship because of that, though perhaps it’s never be what it was.

When you say she had welcomed this woman into her home- did she know she was the OW from the outset? Or was she introduced as a friend or something? I can see how it could happen- son brings a friend, she thinks nothing of it but then twigs what’s going on but feels stuck in the middle. Maybe getting pressure from her husband or other family members? Who knows. Not saying it’s ok or right, but I can see that she might have been in a difficult position.

all that said, you don’t have to hear her out, far less forgive her, if you don’t want to. I guess it depends on how much you let friendship means and whether you want to try to salvage it. And, probably more crucially, whether you think your DD would really be ok with you continuing the friendship.

I couldnt forgive her allowing her DS to bring OW home knowing he hadnt broken it off with your DD…. Thats really not on. I’d check this was definitely the case that she knew though.

The way I see it…life is too short for being taken for a cunt. Plenty of nice people in the world without having to be friends with the ones who aren’t nice.

I say meet her and discuss it before making any decisions. But I doubt I’d be able to get over it.

Last year I fell out with a very close friend of 12 years over our DD’s. It took 6 months for us to talk and when we met she really wasn’t interested in going back to discuss the initial problem, it made me feel DD’s and my feelings weren’t relevant or important to her. I wish I had met her earlier, may be we could have salvaged something. I miss her but cannot forgive her.

I would meet with her to find out from the horses mouth exactly what she knew, and when and if she did know before her DS told your DD and if she did let the OW come to her home before they had broken up, then for me, that would be the end of the friendship.

It sounds like your DHs are friends too - if her DH was cheating on her and you knew, and invited your friend's DH and his OW around to your home before your friend knew she was being cheated on, would she think that was OK?

But your wouldn’t be falling out over the kids. You’d be falling out over her behaviour. She’s an enabler.

The friendship would be over for me. I wouldn't give her the courtesy of explaining or justifying and maintain a dignify silence whilst concentrating on repairing my child following their betrayal.

Could it be that he's had OW back at his parents house, spending time with them and his brother, on the pretence of her being 'just a friend/work colleague'? Its possible that at the time your friend never knew that her son was actually playing away. She may have been suspicious and read him the riot act, and he's told her she was being silly and it was all innocent. She didn't mention anything to you for fear of ruining their relationship without 'proof'. It's possible. You need to hear her side of the story before you decide the friendship is over.

You need to get a grip here. You are friends that has absolutely nothing to do with your children and the choices they make.

I understand OP. It's not the fact your children split up, it's the fact she enabled his cheating and that feels like a real low a good friend wouldn't do.

After a 30 year friendship I would hear her out. Then if nothing she says changes your mind go NC.

This is really tough, i would meet her tbh. But I'd say to her that you're struggling with the friendship because she was welcoming ow into her home before her ds and your dd broke up. I'd acknowledge that of course her loyalty is to her son and if he makes mistakes or acts in a certain way that's not her responsibility- he's an adult. However you felt that there's a difference between her calling him out on his behaviour and not condoning it, than welcoming the person he's cheating with while he's in a relationship with someone she's meant to care about, who's related to someone she's meant to care about. And then see what she says. I'd want to know if she knew her ds and the ow were in a relationship together at that point or did she think naively they were friends for example. If she knew then tbh that would be the end of the friendship with me but I'd want the closure of having that conversation with her since you've been friends for so long.

Cheating is a deal breaker for me. People who do it, excuse it or enable it will screw you over in a heartbeat then make excuses for why they did it.

Your children are adults

Reverse the situation, what would you do if your DD did the exact same and didn't tell their OH.

And every time I’ve texted friend about this she’s just asked for us to talk but won’t say either that she knew or she didn’t which makes me think she did tbh.

So you are just assuming...
Perhaps it's best to hear her side, and you can say what you think about that rather than each of you trying to guess what each other thinks/did. He could have insisted there was nothing going on and your friend could've wanted to not meddle/not assume the worst?