To have felt betrayed by my friend?

[MammaDaisy]

I have been friends with Marie for over 30 years. Long term school friends and then adult friends, living in same town- do a lot together and our children grew up together.

So you can imagine our delight when her DS and my DD started dating each other 5 years ago- both in their mid twenties. It went incredibly well to begin with, and me and my friend were really happy that not only our kids were happy but at the thought of future shared grandchildren etc.

Anyway, last year things turned a little sour when her DS cheated on my DD. It came completely out of the blue for DD the cheating, although she did admit that their relationship had been rocky for a while. Things were bad between them so her DS stayed in their flat and we welcomed DD home with us. We hoped they’d either find their way back together or find a way to split more amicably but we tried not to get involved.

That was until around two months after their split, when I found that Marie had not only known her son was cheating on DD for at least a few months but had also welcomed this woman into her home a few times- and within around four months of DD coming home to live with us- her DS had moved this woman into the flat he used to share with DD.

Now, I’ve been sort of giving Marie the cold shoulder since then- though our DH’s have seen each other a few times. She’s messaged asking to meet but I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed? It hasn’t helped that DD’s mental health has taken such a hit and having her home and witnessing her heartbreak has been hard. DD has said she wouldn’t mind me seeing Marie as I didn’t want to upset her but I don’t know.

Marie has continually messaged and asked that we don’t fall out over the “kids” and that she wants to meet for coffee to talk? So I guess WWYD?

I've just seen the bit about the dh's continuing to meet up - no one seems bothered about this?

I did say traitorous parents, not mum.

This happened when my father cheated on my mother after 35 years of marriage. He was seeing the OW behind mothers back and she left her DH and moved in with my grandmother. Grandmother let her stay at hers whilst they were carrying on the affair and the whole of my fathers family knew. It was tough to accept. But. Someone asked me what I would have done if my child had come to me with this predicament. Maybe I'd have supported them.

I think you need to separate your friendship with the behaviour of the son/daughter. Even if it's just to make peace and move on.

You don’t know what her son told her about the situation. Perhaps he said that they had already broken up and was seeing someone new.

Do meet with your friend and discuss it. A long term friendship is a valuable thing.

She has shown poor judgement and low morals so that would be it for me. Dump and block.

I could never forgive that. If my son was cheating on my daughter-in-law, I would not welcome his new girlfriend into my house until the relationship had clearly ended. He would also know what I thought about it. I certainly wouldn't expect my daughter-in-law's mother to continue being my friend if I'd welcomed the other woman into my house while my son was still with her daughter.

They are mid 20s. Not married with kids. It's a mother's role to not judge and allow their child to find their best match, not to force a relationship purely due to convenience. He wasn't right for your DD but apart from him ending it in a shitty way, this heartbreak wouldn't have been avoidable. There is no way Marie could have saved your DD from being hurt or upset.

Id let the friendship drift.she knows what she’s done. She chose to do it, and I think she may have told her child he waS a shit for doing it. She put her son first, which is ultimately understandable. I get what she did and why. But I couldn’t move past it.. she put her child first so she must understand you have to put yours first now. Sad but true

I don’t think I could get over that. I’d also be concerned that my DD would see it as a betrayal. If your DD is ok with it then see what she has to say but I wouldn’t be hopeful about getting over it.

I think you need to consider your daughters current feelings- it’s important she feels supported by you.

I’d heard her out - mostly out of curiosity. The friendship would be over or at least need a significant time to pass and I’d be concentrating on supporting Dd.

I’d meet to hear her side, then decide. If she did welcome the other woman in her home before they broke up, and didn’t tell you, that’d be a deal breaker for me though.

Not what you're asking, but you were hoping that your mid 20s DD would get back with her cheating ex (or move on)?

“We hoped they’d either find their way back together”

Bloody, help her set her bar higher than that!!

You don't get many friendships in your life that last for over 30 years.

I would hear here out before ending a 30 year friendship.

I doubt it will make any difference but I would. She couldn't stop him cheating, she couldn't force him to tell your daughter or tel her directly but I would expect her not to allow the OW into her home until her son dealt with the situation properly.

She put her son above your family. Not nice given what he was doing but her loyalty will be to her son above you.

However, if you never speak to her again that is completely understandable.

Personally I don’t think I’d be able to let that go.

No, i would end the relationship with her. What she did was plain wrong, no if's no but's no coconuts.

I see your point fully OP. It isn't that they broke up, it's that she seems to have enabled the cheating. Having said that I wonder if she did tell her son it wasn't okay and suggested he come clean? But then if she did she may at least say to you over text she was very sorry to see how things turned out. It's hard to know if she addressed cheating with her son or not. If she did I'd be inclined to keep the friendship. If she didn't, it would be hard to put behind you.

What about an honest text:

'Thanks for the text, Marie. I'm sorry I've been quiet. Our friendship has meant a lot to me and I agree our dc dating and/or ending their relationship doesn't need to impact our friendship. We were dear friends before they were even born! However, what has been hard for me is it appears you knew your son was cheating and while he was still with my daughter, who I know you care about, welcomed him and the person he was cheating with. I'm sure you can understand why that feels hard to ignore and knowing how much you love your son if the tables were turned and it was my DD cheating, I'm sure you'd be hurt on his behalf if I welcomed them into my home knowing she was cheating.

I do want our friendship to continue, I'm just struggling with these feelings right now. Your family means a lot to us too and it would be sad for things to end decades of friendship.

I may need a bit more time and will be in touch soon. Maybe we could meet for coffee and either agree to talk this through or just move on from it so it doesn't impact things going forward'.

After you send something like that if she gets sulky or defending her son, you kind of have your answer.

Really sorry your DD went through this. Must be painful!

I'd tell her you aren't falling out over the "kids", you just have no interest in a friendship with someone who has no loyalty"

The knowing about her DS cheating was bad enough BUT TO BOOT having the other girl round would be the end of any friendship for me. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who did that to a woman who wasn't my daughter either.

Are you Marie? Or did you just not read the op?

It's a no brainer. Loyalty is the most important part of a friendship. She wasn't just disloyal to you she facilitated an affair which has badly affected your daughter. I wouldn't give her the time of day!

She should have told her son he needed to end things with your daughter rather than going behind her back. But maybe she did... It wasn't an easy situation for her, I imagine, though of course it's much worse for your daughter. I think your friend is being a bit naïve if she thinks the friendship can go on exactly as before. This new history will inevitably have an effect on your friendship, even if you try to get past it.

Like it!

All she had to do was tell her son not to bring another girlfriend over, until he broke up with your daughter. But no, she welcomed the new girlfriend over, and knew he was going to move her into the flat! With friends like her, who needs enemies. I think that's really bad, I'm sure you wouldn't have done the same to her.