Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our local Catholic church doesn't want us there. I can't understand why

454 replies

BlueMediterranean · 11/06/2023 20:21

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an issue my partner and I have been facing at our local Catholic church and get your thoughts on it. We moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and bought a house here. The schools in the area are somewhat average, and the best one by far is a Catholic school. Being Catholics ourselves, we thought we wouldn't have any issues.

Initially, we didn't attend church because I was heavily pregnant, and after that, I experienced postpartum depression, which made it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving the house with my baby. However, my partner started going to the evening mass on Sundays instead of the morning one. We officially registered with the church when we moved here.

After about 6-7 months, I joined him at the evening mass. From the very beginning, we found it strange that the priest never greeted anyone. As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever.

One day, we went to talk to him about baptizing our baby, but he told us that he didn't know us well enough and asked us to continue attending the mass. We found this odd but decided to keep going. A few months later, we asked again, and he gave us the same response. In fact, he didn't remember us and thought we wanted to register as new members.

That's when we started to worry. If the priest never greets anyone and leaves immediately after the sermon, how can he get to know anyone? We could attend mass for years, and he wouldn't even know our names.

We had to rearrange some personal commitments to attend the Sunday morning mass to see if things were different, but he still doesn't greet anyone. We persisted in asking about the baptism and were given the contact information of a church volunteer who organizes the baptism course. Unfortunately, our emails to this person have gone unanswered, and when we asked in person, they claimed not to have received them.

I am truly baffled by all of this. Why does the church ignore us in this manner? I am now worried about how we'll obtain the necessary paperwork to register our daughter at the Catholic school if they won't even baptize her.

There must be a reason behind all of this, but I honestly can't comprehend it. I have considered volunteering, but both my partner and I work full-time jobs, which makes it challenging.

If anyone has any insights or suggestions, please share them. We would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

OP posts:
elizzza · 11/06/2023 22:12

As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear.

What, he leaves in the middle of mass?

PuppyMonkey · 11/06/2023 22:12

I think they’re probably all vampires at the church OP. Run away.

Allwelcone · 11/06/2023 22:12

hnk123 · 11/06/2023 21:54

You should go straight to the bishop and outline what has happened.

There should be no issue with baptizing your baby regardless of whether you are married or not and it is shameful that the priest would not do this as soon as possible.

In the meantime it would be worth inquiring with the other church to at least have a backup option while things are sorted with your current church.

This 100%.
I have had the wonderful experience of a lovely "human" priest who lived nearby and became a friend of the family. He's sadly no longer with us but I think he would have advised the same approach. If getting your baby baptised is a priority then try and do it at the next church along.

I think priests get moved around a bit so this one won't be there forever hopefully.

Bunbuns3 · 11/06/2023 22:13

I literally thought Pope Francis instructed all priests never to refuse a baptism.

Thisisabsolutelyfine · 11/06/2023 22:13

Is this in England? And how long has it been now? I don’t think I would’ve been waited several months (is it more than a year now?) for priests and parish staff who were not getting back to me. Just phone the parish office and tell them you want to book onto the next baptism course. And if you don’t get through find out what time the parish office is open, and go in person to get yourself booked onto the next baptism course.

is there a chance that you’ve misunderstood or misinterpreted what the priest was saying? Yes they want you to be committed to the faith that you are intending to bring your baby up in, but ultimately they want more baptised babies not less so I’d be surprised if he was actively trying to discourage you.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 11/06/2023 22:13

SaltyCrisps · 11/06/2023 21:17

Why do people think the priest would know whether OP is married or not? That can't be the explanation unless OP is wearing some kind of a 'not married' label.

OP, he sounds to me like a pretty rubbish priest, and maybe he suffers from some kind of social anxiety. The whole thing sounds very disorganised, since you've had no replies to your emails either.

I read this and thank goodness that I'm not at all religious (having been brought up Catholic).

You fill out a form to join the church. It will be on there.

I also think that’s why she’s being shunned.

GlucklicheTage · 11/06/2023 22:13

Being unmarried definitely isn’t it
They've been baptising babies to unmarried mothers for centuries.

I just think you’ve ended up with a not very nice priest.
Move churches.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 11/06/2023 22:14

Anoisagusaris · 11/06/2023 20:27

Where do you live? Priests in Ireland don’t greet mass attendees after mass.

This is what I'm thinking. It would be so weird!

Cerealkillerontheloose · 11/06/2023 22:14

PinkPlantCase · 11/06/2023 21:16

I think that’s Judaism if someone wants to convert

Show quote history

Thank you! Knew it was something…

Allwelcone · 11/06/2023 22:14

Sorry I meant to add that maybe as an alternative to the Bishop you could go to the next priest for advice, so maybe I agree with @hnk123 more like 99% rather than 100%!

7spanishangels · 11/06/2023 22:15

My husband isn’t catholic but I am. When we wanted our sons baptised I was advised the priest might not do it due to the fact I married out.
however the person who told me this told me to have a £50 note in my hand when I shook the priests hand and guess what the fact my husband wasn’t a catholic was no longer a issue.
this was over 23 years ago but maybe worth a try 😂

Americano75 · 11/06/2023 22:17

He leaves after the sermon? After the Gospel? So what about the other 2/3 of the Mass?

None of what they're doing makes any sense, but then most of the priests I know are the welcoming sort. That's all very odd.

GlucklicheTage · 11/06/2023 22:18

Please don’t go to the Bishop.
Going over your parish priests head will never ever do you any favours.
Just knock on the Presbytery door, that’s what we did.

89redballoons · 11/06/2023 22:20

OP, the first thing I would do is check the school's entry criteria. Our local Catholic primary school gives first priority to Catholic children living within the parish boundaries. It doesn't specify where you were baptised.

Then, if you find you don't actually need this priest to baptise your baby so that she can go to the school you want, I would 100% change church.

I did this recently and the new church we go to is brilliant. There is a Sunday school every week, loads of families at the family service and no-one minds about baby noise or toddler meltdowns, my 3yo actually sees it as like one of his toddler groups and looks forward to going to Mass and has made a little friend there who he looks forward to seeing.

I got my DC baptised recently at ages 1 and 3, it was delayed because of the pandemic and because I went back and forth on how I feel about the church, but honestly going to our new church and meeting such a lovely community there swayed me. The priest didn't ask many questions about my marriage or the godparents etc, just said I'd been coming to church for a few months and that was fine. My husband is agnostic though baptised Anglican, and he never comes to church with us, but they didn't care.

Or - if you do need to get her christened at that church for the school ūthen think how much you want her at the school. Do what's best for your family.

Hardtime · 11/06/2023 22:20

OliveWah · 11/06/2023 21:57

I'm another one who was raised Catholic (Catholic schools right from age 4-18), but who now attends an Anglican Church. My main gripe with the Catholic Church is that aged 7 (in the 1980's), our class at school were to begin twice weekly classes to prepare for our First Holy Communion. In our class of 27 children, most of whose parents were married (but there were a few with single mothers), I was the only child whose parents had actually gone through a divorce. Because of this fact, I was not allowed to make my First Holy Communion, and so was made to sit alone in the school office with the Receptionist for the 2 hours a week the rest of my class studied for theirs. I remember being deeply upset at the time, feeling as if I had done something to upset God. It really damaged my faith and as an adult, I find it unconscionable that the Catholic Church chose to single me out in this way.

Happily, in my late teens I found a wonderful Anglican Parish and was able to be Confirmed. I find the Anglican Church much more sociable - as PP's have said; lots of coffee and cakes! We moved to a new Parish when our DC were late Primary and despite only having just over a year of regular attendance at our new church, our Vicar was happy to sign the form for our eldest DD's place at the CofE High School. I was CEV, so we had a longer break from Church over Covid than most, but the Vicar dropped notes through the door regularly, offering help and remembering us in their prayers. We really do feel part of the community because of this Church, and after my own experiences, I can't imagine the Catholic Church being anywhere near as supportive.

So sorry to hear how you were treated. I guess that's why they ask 'is the Pope a Catholic' and not 'is the Pope a Christian' which would have been the prelude to a four hour debate over Benedict!
I've been a Catholic for nearly sixty years and Church values have ebbed and flowed in that time - I'm told that the Cathedral for our diocese actually has a quota for baptisms ... which doesn't make the welcome very 'universal'.
Attending a Catholic primary school has made my child a confirmed atheist.

rosydreams · 11/06/2023 22:20

I find some churches are not family orientated ,the church is not the right for for you.We used to have a lovely church if a toddler ran up to the priest in mass ,he would stop and smile talk to them

Next we moved we had to go to another completely different atmosphere so cold and unwelcoming to kids .

thankfully we moved again and found a more family friendly church

your going to have to get a baptism from a catholic church further away

ExtraOnions · 11/06/2023 22:20

As a practicing Catholic .. I’ve never heard of “registering” for church.
That aside, my church is attached to a Primary and Secondary school, and we have a very friendly priest… stays round to chat after mass, pops in for coffee etc.
We have lots of unmarried parents having thier children baptised - tbh, the more the merrier !
You could email the Bishop, or just go to another church

Goonergirl14 · 11/06/2023 22:21

I think it differs depending on what church you go to. I am in Scotland and started going to mass again last year after a few years away from it, I attend different churches depending on what time I can get to go to mass as I care for my children and both my husband and I work weekends and some churches are definitely more welcoming than others. I haven't registered with any church don't think that is a done thing up here. I have approached a couple of priests for things and they have been very helpful...have decided to let my children decide for themselves if they want a faith as I think one of the reasons I returned was out of guilt but that's another issue!

pontipinemum · 11/06/2023 22:22

I'm Catholic (not a great one) I've never known a priest to chat to people after mass. I've mostly been to Irish churches, but I've been in London and Australia too.

Our priest was delighted that we wanted to christen our son. He did ask that we attend more often if possible. They are desperate for people to go these days. We never signed up for the church, but did start getting donation letters addressed to us shortly after moving into our house!! They knew who we were.

Is there anyone at mass you could ask about it?

GlucklicheTage · 11/06/2023 22:23

7spanishangels · 11/06/2023 22:15

My husband isn’t catholic but I am. When we wanted our sons baptised I was advised the priest might not do it due to the fact I married out.
however the person who told me this told me to have a £50 note in my hand when I shook the priests hand and guess what the fact my husband wasn’t a catholic was no longer a issue.
this was over 23 years ago but maybe worth a try 😂

My dh is not Catholic but I am, it’s not a problem.
You always should pay for weddings, baptisms and burials. ( Catholics would know how it works )
But it’s a donation of your choice, they don’t have a charge sheet and they would never ask for money you just know that money in an envelope discretely offered is the way to go.

Your money was not a bribe it was a donation to the church for the service.

Midnightpony · 11/06/2023 22:24

OP hasn't said but she must not be in Ireland as there is no longer a baptism requirement for primary schools (generally Catholic by default )
Though I suppose there are entrance criteria if a school is oversubscribed so if OP is in Dublin or Cork..

GlucklicheTage · 11/06/2023 22:24

pontipinemum · 11/06/2023 22:22

I'm Catholic (not a great one) I've never known a priest to chat to people after mass. I've mostly been to Irish churches, but I've been in London and Australia too.

Our priest was delighted that we wanted to christen our son. He did ask that we attend more often if possible. They are desperate for people to go these days. We never signed up for the church, but did start getting donation letters addressed to us shortly after moving into our house!! They knew who we were.

Is there anyone at mass you could ask about it?

Father Brown does🤣🤣🤣
I think he’s raised the bar a bit

Americano75 · 11/06/2023 22:26

7spanishangels · 11/06/2023 22:15

My husband isn’t catholic but I am. When we wanted our sons baptised I was advised the priest might not do it due to the fact I married out.
however the person who told me this told me to have a £50 note in my hand when I shook the priests hand and guess what the fact my husband wasn’t a catholic was no longer a issue.
this was over 23 years ago but maybe worth a try 😂

Yeah, that's not a bribe, it's called a Stole fee. It's the donation of your choice that you give the priest whenever you ask them to perform a baptism, wedding etc. They record it and everything.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 11/06/2023 22:26

GlucklicheTage · 11/06/2023 21:58

Sounds like the priest is used to people only attending mass to get their kids into the Catholic School and his put you in this category.

we moved to have kids and I Gave birth 2 weeks after moving, to get him baptised I needed a letter from our previous church. There was a good Catholic school near us and people play games pretending they attend church all the time when they never did.

My cousins local priest said the numbers are always huge before the school applications then suddenly half his parishioners disappear after they’ve got the place at the school. Her priest now insists on a register being signed for a few years when they attend. Madness. But some of the money to run the school plus the buildings sometimes ( usually) come from the church.

Suggest you arrange a meeting with the priest.

He’s a priest, he can’t refuse.
Then ask to book the christening.
Offer a letter from your old parish priest as proof you attend.

If you have proof of your own baptism, first holy communion and confirmation …then even better.

The school I was with said that if you’d attended the church and wanted to tick the box for the school that you had to of been going for over 2 years. I was lucky because I did go for over 2 years and I carried on at a church up the road after.

Violasaremyfavourite · 11/06/2023 22:27

Look you're obviously not practising Catholics. If you were you wouldn't be living together without being married let alone having a child outside marriage. Whether these are sensible rules or not is another matter. Do you attend confession? I just can't see how you can be so blasé or seemingly so unaware about the Catholic Church's rules?