Our local Catholic church doesn't want us there. I can't understand why

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an issue my partner and I have been facing at our local Catholic church and get your thoughts on it. We moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and bought a house here. The schools in the area are somewhat average, and the best one by far is a Catholic school. Being Catholics ourselves, we thought we wouldn't have any issues.

Initially, we didn't attend church because I was heavily pregnant, and after that, I experienced postpartum depression, which made it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving the house with my baby. However, my partner started going to the evening mass on Sundays instead of the morning one. We officially registered with the church when we moved here.

After about 6-7 months, I joined him at the evening mass. From the very beginning, we found it strange that the priest never greeted anyone. As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever.

One day, we went to talk to him about baptizing our baby, but he told us that he didn't know us well enough and asked us to continue attending the mass. We found this odd but decided to keep going. A few months later, we asked again, and he gave us the same response. In fact, he didn't remember us and thought we wanted to register as new members.

That's when we started to worry. If the priest never greets anyone and leaves immediately after the sermon, how can he get to know anyone? We could attend mass for years, and he wouldn't even know our names.

We had to rearrange some personal commitments to attend the Sunday morning mass to see if things were different, but he still doesn't greet anyone. We persisted in asking about the baptism and were given the contact information of a church volunteer who organizes the baptism course. Unfortunately, our emails to this person have gone unanswered, and when we asked in person, they claimed not to have received them.

I am truly baffled by all of this. Why does the church ignore us in this manner? I am now worried about how we'll obtain the necessary paperwork to register our daughter at the Catholic school if they won't even baptize her.

There must be a reason behind all of this, but I honestly can't comprehend it. I have considered volunteering, but both my partner and I work full-time jobs, which makes it challenging.

If anyone has any insights or suggestions, please share them. We would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

I was reading that there are more Catholics under 30 in Britain than Anglicans and more Catholics in London than Anglicans. https://www.catholicworldreport.com/2020/07/14/is-a-re-catholicization-of-britain-underway/

Sorry was replying to @HollyFern1110 not sure what happened.

I was a single mother and a very lapsed Catholic - made no secret of it - and my children were baptised with no fuss whatsoever (it was done to please my mother, though she had no hand in the arrangements). This was 40 years or so ago though.

Are you both actually baptised Catholics yourselves? Have you ever been regular Mass goers?

Out of curiosity, as one (lapsed) Catholic to another, if you are Catholic, why aren't you married?

I didn't even live with dh before marriage as my dm couldn't have coped with it. It would be quite difficult for aome of the congregation as sex and therefore children are considered a sacrament of marriage.

As the article acknowledges, immigration is a key part of that trend.

This 😂

I think the priest has sussed you out pretty quickly. Unmarried and expect the Church to waive its rules so your child go to the best school in the area. Are you sure you are Catholic, you are pretty loosey goosey and picking the parts of the religion that might benefit you. I know that’s very blunt but there it is. Mystery solved.

She wrote it on a form

It all sounds very unwelcoming, and completely unlike any church I’ve ever been in, although I’ve not been in many Catholic ones. How does the priest end up knowing anyone if he never stops to say hello?!

I wonder if you’ve found our old priest!
My theory was he saw himself as gatekeeper of the school, and we weren’t his type (ie not British/ perceived as wealthy?). Never really found out.
I ended up christening my child at the Catholic school I worked at in frustration, the priest had known us for 10 years and was happy to make a stand.

I still think its odd despite the marriage thing.
I know someone who was meant to get a non-religious official wedding for the paper work and then a catholic wedding in her home country. The non-religious wedding happened but not the catholic marriage because of Covid. In the eternity that was Covid she had a child and wanted to get the baptism sorted along with the wedding. The priest was very clear that the baptism and marriage had to happen at different times and not too close to each other but was also very very clear that the baptism was the priority by far.
Normally they prioritise the baptism. I can understand disapproving of an unmarried couple (no judgement from me), but to do that to the extent of refusing to baptise a child seems really really wrong. Even the olden day church wouldn't do that.

Maybe this priest has bad social skills and there are issues in the parish. Sadly this is a common issue in the Church at the moment

Yes this was my thinking this was an issue in a local large multichurch parish to the degree that I who have lapsed was aware of it from multiple sources

Do they still send out the packs of envelopes with family names written on, so that they can know what each family is giving each week?

The fuck? Organised religion is not for me, what with all the money grabbing, judgement and mistreatment for being perceived as a sinner and a refusal to look beyond, much of which has been evidenced by folk on this thread…

Does the priest know you are fairly new to the area? If you've told him he might have forgotten and think you weren't churchgoers before. Not that it should matter but maybe he feels differently

“When people show you who they are, believe them”

So goes the famous quote…..It applies in this case too I think. Perhaps your life would be better without the Catholic Church, you could certainly try and see.

However as an unmarried couple, living together with a baby you are putting him in a very awkward position. As a Catholic Are you aware of this?
Sex before marriage is a mortal sin.

Seriously, are you a Catholic yourself? Being unmarried hasn't been an issue in practice for decades in any parish I've lived in, Ireland or UK.

However they don't like people just faking it to get into school, or wanting to get confirmed etc when the child really has not been raised Catholic.

FYI, you always had to sign up to be given those envelopes (for gift aid purposes I believe) They were never mandatory at all.

Also, you don't have to give a donation to attend Church at all. And no one would think any less of you for not giving anything.

What form? I've been a Catholic for 38 years and never filled in a form declaring my married status.

Also, I've never known a priest to give a shit if a baby is born to an unmarried couple, they're happy to welcome them anyway. I've mostly known really quite lovely priests though.

Also Catholics are predominantly VERY sociable and love cake and booze and parties and a sing song and are generally quite decent people. Obvs a few mad ones in the mix but they're everywhere aren't they. They LOVE babies at mass. Properly love them. I'm really not convinced they'd ignore your baby.

OP is refusing to say where she is based and some bits don't make any sense whatsoever. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think others are right - you’re getting shade from conservative Catholics in NYC cos you’re unmarried and had a baby out of wedlock.

Maybe the priest is fed up with the ‘on your knees to avoid the fees’ brigade.

Sorry OP, I read ‘new city’ as ‘new york city’ hahah!

I was confused by your reference to NYC although being in the States would make a difference to be honest. Catholicism in the UK I find to be a bit different from elsewhere, but that's just my experience!

I think it is probably a combination of two children outside marriage, not attending Church for about six months after moving into the area and the timing of the request to baptise in anticipation of applying for a school place. To be fair to the priest if you attend a Church linked to a good school you will see a regular round of families who attend for a relatively short time and then fall back after they have secured the school place.

One of the very popular RC schools used to insist children were baptised in the first six months or they fell down the oversubscription criteria, in that a good Catholic in the UK would arrange an early baptism.

Could it be they think you are just attending for a school place?

Money. Start a regular direct debit once a month and they'll notice you....sadly.