Our local Catholic church doesn't want us there. I can't understand why

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an issue my partner and I have been facing at our local Catholic church and get your thoughts on it. We moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and bought a house here. The schools in the area are somewhat average, and the best one by far is a Catholic school. Being Catholics ourselves, we thought we wouldn't have any issues.

Initially, we didn't attend church because I was heavily pregnant, and after that, I experienced postpartum depression, which made it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving the house with my baby. However, my partner started going to the evening mass on Sundays instead of the morning one. We officially registered with the church when we moved here.

After about 6-7 months, I joined him at the evening mass. From the very beginning, we found it strange that the priest never greeted anyone. As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever.

One day, we went to talk to him about baptizing our baby, but he told us that he didn't know us well enough and asked us to continue attending the mass. We found this odd but decided to keep going. A few months later, we asked again, and he gave us the same response. In fact, he didn't remember us and thought we wanted to register as new members.

That's when we started to worry. If the priest never greets anyone and leaves immediately after the sermon, how can he get to know anyone? We could attend mass for years, and he wouldn't even know our names.

We had to rearrange some personal commitments to attend the Sunday morning mass to see if things were different, but he still doesn't greet anyone. We persisted in asking about the baptism and were given the contact information of a church volunteer who organizes the baptism course. Unfortunately, our emails to this person have gone unanswered, and when we asked in person, they claimed not to have received them.

I am truly baffled by all of this. Why does the church ignore us in this manner? I am now worried about how we'll obtain the necessary paperwork to register our daughter at the Catholic school if they won't even baptize her.

There must be a reason behind all of this, but I honestly can't comprehend it. I have considered volunteering, but both my partner and I work full-time jobs, which makes it challenging.

If anyone has any insights or suggestions, please share them. We would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Don't worry about the gorgeous baby comment, some of us knew what you meant and that you weren't being arrogant.

So have you finally got an interview for Baptism if he's given you a book?

Do they run any events over the year like fetes or summer fairs, something you could get involved in?

Are there other kids at the service? Can you get there a bit early and try to talk to someone you recognise? Try and make friends and then mention how you're struggling to get baby baptised, do they have any advice etc?

I think this is the norm OP. I know at Catholic school I taught at all applicants had to have a letter, often handwritten on headed stationery, from their local priest to state they attended church consistently and the child was baptised into the Catholic faith. A child would not be admitted without that endorsement.

My first language is not English, I didn't translate it correctly. Sorry

No, we are not married.

LOL.

OP, lapsed Irish Catholic here. Has either of you been married before?

Anyone who followed the Boris Johnson Westminster Cathedral debacle will know that question alone is fraught with pitfalls, under Canon law.

I wasn't criticising you, op.

@PaigeMatthews has it right and “it’s called a Homily” was also my immediate first thought.

If you want your kid (sorry, the most beautiful kid in the pew) into the local Catholic school, OP, you need to play a much better game. The English are absolute pros at this: start sharpening your thurible now!

I highly doubt it's because they're not married. My DSD was christened Catholic in 1993 and my DH and his ex weren't married.

I know a lot of people are focused on the word sermon. But ive never in over 40 years of going to regular mass, and working with the Church, including briefly in a convent, heard it referred to as a sermon in an RC church. It is a homily

Really? It's always been a sermon where I'm from.

What country are you in? This is not how it works in the UK so I can't comment on your situation really. First we don't register with churches, we attend. If we want baptism we tell the priest upfront and then attend church for an indefinite period of time until the priest is happy we are part of the congregation.

I personally didn't attend church at all before my dc baptism and my parents organised it instead.

After a mass the priest walks to the back of church and shakes hands with us as we leave. If you want to speak to him we go to the sacristy after mass.

You need proof of baptism to get into Catholic school so church attendance alone is no help. Neither is you volunteering.

Catholic churches in the UK aren't happy clappy welcoming so maybe it's the same where you are. Certainly I can't imagine cooing over a baby as such. I might but equally I could be distracted by what I'd just experienced in mass or by the other parishioners.

Where are you?

Everywhere I’ve practised in England, Scotland and Australia it’s a homily.

Every church I’ve practised in has also had a range of social, liturgical and charitable activities through which parishioners get to know each other and the priest, beyond of course sharing the incredibly special experience of Mass.

As usual MN focusing on one small point that has little to do with the OP. Homily / sermon / service... Who cares... Christ!!

OP I've been going to mass for over 30 years in a Catholic Church and have never had a priest stay and greet people after or had people from the congregation mix unless they knew each other outside of the church! Re the baptism, maybe it's time to get a bit firmer?

Bollocks. People talk about “the sermon” not “the homily”. Though the mass is not over after the sermon.

@BlueMediterranean go and talk to your priest. It sounds very unusual.

Well in my 45 years of being catholic I have only ever heard it referred to as a sermon! Same goes for my parents who are in their late 70's and go to mass every day of the week. I know what the word homily means but it is never used where I am from which is an english speaking country so no translation issue.

Write a nice letter to the bishop explaining that you're from another country but live here now, are churchgoers and are having problems organising a baptism.

As a lifelong catholic not a single thing about this rings true. I think the priest has you pegged.

Anglicans use the word sermon typically.
Catholics say homily.
Anglican (etc) churches are generally friendly and chatty. There’s more of a social aspect.
Catholic churches often less so.

In my experience. Raised Anglican, became Catholic.

Are you participating in the sacrament of reconciliation as well as attending mass? Reconciliation is where it gets more personal.

If it’s just that he’s requiring you to jump through hoops, then I would advise you to keep persisting.

Have you offered proof of your status as a Catholic, eg your baptism and confirmation certificates? And if you have a previous parish priest you could reach out to, definitely do that, so he can put in a good word.

The fact that you didn’t immediately and strenuously object on the grounds that any delay might endanger the child’s immortal
soul might be why he’s suspicious.

You might get further by requesting that he marry you - there’s hoops to jump with that too; lots of questions that you have to answer separately from each other, and you’ll need declarations from any and all parishes you’ve lived in that you’re not already married. But weddings can take years to organise and the baby would be baptised in the meantime.

If you really want to dig your heels in, you could technically baptise the baby yourself (although it’s really only valid if you fear imminent death) and request that the lay baptism be registered in the church records.

Ime Catholic Churches aren’t social in the way other denominations can be, although most priests I know make an effort to mingle a bit in the churchyard. You have to get involved in groups, choirs, volunteering to clean, become a reader or minister of the Eucharist to find the social network.

I’m really surprised at this.

I only started going to church again after DC was born (and that was because I wanted them baptised). I called the church office and they said no problem, we’ll register you for the baptism ‘course’ run by the deacon (it was just a one hour chat about grace) and tell the priest you want to be presented for baptism at the next service you attend. The very first time we went, we sought out the priest before the start of the service. He saw a newborn in my arms and asked if we wanted to be presented for baptism. We said yes. He presented us. A few days later, we saw the deacon and the following Sunday was the baptism.

It was actually a much easier process than I imagined as I didn’t need confirmation certificates for the godparents or anything like that.

I’m sorry it is so tough for you, OP. I have no idea why. Even if you are unmarried, they cannot block your child from the church.

Strange priest I would contact the bishop it is not normal for a priest to put off a baptism. Never heard of having to register at a church or a baptism course either. We had our children baptised in different churches and only had to meet the priest for a date but that is in England.

I’m not sure why people are saying Catholic Churches aren’t sociable. They are in my experience. The homily thing is weird as it’s never been used in the many Catholic Churches I’ve attended around the country (and the world). Call the priest and talk to him, call your old priest and explain, I really doubt your marital status is an issue but why aren’t you married if you are both Catholics?

Of course that’s the problem. Did you really not realise this?

Trying to get your child baptised when you're living together in an unmarried state, makes things very awkward for everyone. How are you going to raise your child in the Catholic faith when you yourself are showing a pretty deep disagreement with something important about the faith?

There's also the logistical issue, which makes the baptism slightly unusual. Parishes often spend a lot of effort trying to accommodate for individual family situations. This is not trivial - it takes volunteer and staff time and effort to create bespoke sacramental preparation tailored to individual situations. It's a lot of work and time that it's expected the parish will do for parishioners, often with the refrain "The Church is not supposed to make you pay for the sacraments." I know it's popular to accuse the Catholic Church of just wanting your money, but the reality is that parishes are usually operating with insufficient funds, on a few low paid staff and a group of overstretched volunteers. I know there are some that are exceptions, that are inundated with cash, but those are the minority. My point is that it's not really fair to expect that if you tell the parish to jump, their only question will be "How high?"

Since you said that you emailed the person who is responsible for baptismal preparation and that person never replied, I would guess what you have here is a parish where the volunteers and staff are not operating efficiently. This could be because there are too few staff/volunteers or it could actually be that one or two very good people retired and those who are left are inadequate to the task. You could try emailing again. You could try volunteering. Be the change you'd like to see!

I would suggest you work on arranging a Catholic marriage. That's what makes the most sense I think, if what you really want is to raise your child Catholic (as opposed to just wanting a place in a Catholic school).

In terms of the baptism itself, if you know your pastor at your former parish, I would contact him and ask him if he can help you get the baptism moving. If you decide to move forward with a Catholic wedding, he can also help you find out how to get started on that. It would avoid you going over your current priest's head to the bishop, and your former priest could apply a little judicious pressure.

Yes agree l, contact your old priest and get him to liaise ….. I wonder if there is an old priest.. 🧐

A homily is about the readings at Mass (usually the gospel). A sermon is about a topic. So a sermon would be wider-ranging than a homily. Catholic Masses usually include a homily but the priest is allowed to give a sermon if he wants to. A priest told me that.

There is so much apathy in the Catholic Church. They (we—I used to be a Catholic) are losing parishioners and need to change.