To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.

@Toasterfries
You've lost the plot now!! Saying good morning etc is to help you children socialise and interact!
This apology is all about you.
Feel sorry for your niece, I'd imagine she feels bad enough!

The niece is 8. She doesn't have the emotional intellegence to realise what the expected adult reaction to the situation would be.

To not let her hold your DD again over this would be incredibly petty.

My exes daughter bumped my son's head on her chin, she was really concerned, I comforted her and explained that we need to be careful when holding her brother. I was right next to her, he was in no danger, he cried a bit. All was well and we moved on.

I don’t think I read that the parents didn’t look at the baby? OP went to the baby to comfort and breastfeed her.

to be honest I would have said oops, poor baby is she okay? Babies fall over all the time. She can’t have fallen any distance - she was sitting on a child knee who was sitting on the floor.

I find is adults fuss over a shocked baby the baby just cried even more.

in my family we tend to scoop the baby back up say oops, dust them off and not fuss too much. The fussing causes more crying.

I had a friend who did the exaggerated reactions to minor falls - he daughter wailed over the slightest little thing for years. Her second baby didn’t get nearly as much fussy and he was much more robust!

My DS8 trapped DS5's fingers in the door a few months ago, by accident. They were both crying and DS8 apologised, because although it was an accident, DS8 recognised it was his fault and he should have been more careful.

If he happened to be sitting on the floor holding a baby and the baby wriggled out of his lap, or fell sideways, I wouldn't expect him to apologise because he didn't do anything wrong.

Of course it’s the same. Selfish parents not supervising their children with other people’s homes/babies.

Why wasn't OP supervising her child? When another child was holding her?

With kindness, YABU because saying “sorry” is just a word and not helpful if a child is forced into saying it. She was probably shocked and did feel sorry so why make her feel worse? I wouldn’t want the parents to publicly discuss with the niece and make her apologise.
Hopefully the parents mentioned it to niece after and I hope your little one is ok.

Did you apologise to your baby OP?

Did your SIL?

Your niece is a child. The adults were responsible here, including yourself. She shouldn't have to think about how it can be avoided in the future, that's a responsibility for the adults who allowed her to hold the baby.

O.P, I mean this kindly when I say you have no idea what the parents did say to your neice.
Firstly when you were consoling your baby and feeding her etc they may have spoken to her then or if not then they may have later that day. As a parent of a seven and ten year old, there have definitely been occasions when I have spoken to them about something later that evening/day/car journey home when it's just us and you have time to talk properly about something. You really don't know that they didn't talk to her.
Glad your little one is OK as it is horrible to see them hurt themselves/get a shock.

Your DD is at the age where babies get wriggly and your DN was unprepared for this and also not as strong as an adult.

She probably left because she felt embarrassed/guilty/upset - my DS is a similar age and often escapes to his room to cool down when he feels bad.

When your only child is a tiny baby, it's easy to overestimate older children. Your niece is still very young, she didn't hurt the baby on purpose and wasn't swinging her about. Parents have dropped their own babies in similar circumstances.

Because the niece’s mum and dad were supervising niece with baby.

Your niece's response sounds very much to me that of a child who is shocked and upset, thinks she will be blamed, and struggling to handle the fact that she might have caused the baby to be hurt. She really shouldn't have been left with the baby.

The parents may have spoken to their daughter later at home, when all is calm and there is some distance between what happened.

DS1 always used to react to stressful/unexpected/frightening/distressing experiences with either "it's your fault" or "it wasn't my fault". He'd say it while crying or looking stressed. It was just his way of coping when he was too young to know how else to handle things. I would usually just either say, 'ok it's fine' or give him a hug or just leave him be for a bit at the time. Anything else would just really stress him out. Later in the day we'd have a chat about whatever happened. If he had been in the wrong we'd discuss it then and think of an appropriate way forward. If something was an accident I'd discuss accidents happen etc.. and think through how he might handle a similar situation in the future. etc... He's nearly 12 now and handles most situations appropriately. He says sorry when it's appropriate and is pretty polite. But even if he can produce not quite the right response in a situation. It's normal.

I think when your little baby is a bit bigger and you have to manage the quirks of 8 year.olds you may understand a little better

I highly doubt they will be saying anything to the dd, given they didn’t even look at OP’s baby.

And that’s their prerogative, but people painting niece’s parents as parents of the year is laughable.

Most people’s instincts are to check if a crying baby is hurt.

Agree

Oh dear god!! Give your head a wobble!

I'm sure someone else posted the same thing a couple of weeks ago.
Probably a different baby.

This.
As soon as op said she walked off I felt, poor kid, she was overwhelmed she’d hurt the baby and ashamed
maybe next time you see niece, make an effort to ask if she wants to hold baby, say gently I know you dropped her last time, never mind these things happen, did it upset you, and wgat do you think you might do differently to try to prevent an accident again.

You say you don't know if your niece should have been spoken to about it. This is the sort of thing I speak to my children about out of the way of other people - goldfish bowl/embarrassment etc. I wouldn't expect your niece to be spoken to in front of an audience.

Jesus you’re weird

She's 8.
She's not born with the manual if how to apologise when you feels desperately upset?

Why was it her job anyway I would be chiding myself not to let a small child hold a baby for so long.

Selfish.

That poor niece I hope you apologies to her.

Because the niece’s mum and dad were supervising niece with baby.

But OP was there too and should have also been supervising her own child.

Do people not apologise for accidents anymore? Surely it's just a simple reminder for an 8 year old child to say sorry after an accident, no big deal but I'm with you OP. If my children made a mistake, I remind them to say sorry, accident or not.

Agree with this. OP where was your compassion for your niece? After all you are the adult.