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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

544 replies

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 19:42

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 11/06/2023 20:55

No, she doesn't need to apologise, you are her parent and if a child is holding her it's your responsibility to make sure she is safe.

I have a DN who is 8 and I asked him to watch DD (18 months) for 30 seconds while I went into the bathroom for a wee next door to the bedroom where they were playing, when I came in DD was mid falling off the bed and I grabbed her legs on time but had she fallen that would be my fault, not his.

In future you can continue to let your DN hold her but you need to be watching so no accidents happen.

Stripedbag101 · 11/06/2023 20:55

OP maybe you should reflect on the response you have received here.

you are understandably focused on your baby and because your niece is a child you don’t know very well you haven’t felt any compassion or understanding or love towards her in this situation.

you have gone to your view of your childhood - children should be made to apologise. If I had done this as a child I know I would have been made to feel dreadful by the adults and would have been forced to apologise. You would have been pleased. But I had a difficult childhood with emotionally immature parents who flew into a rage at the slightest perceived transgression.

I think it is wonderful that your nieces parents recognised the child was embarrassed and didn’t make a spectacle out of her or force her to do some meaningless apology to a tiny baby.

I hope you develop that kind of emotional maturity as your child grows and don’t shame her for mistakes or expect adult emotional responses from her.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/06/2023 20:55

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.*

You have got to be kidding. Your baby has no idea what sorry means. It was an accident, she doesn't need to apologise for it.

weirdoboelady · 11/06/2023 20:55

Here's a MN making something up....😘

In our family this sort of thing would probably be unpicked a bit further over bedtime stories, especially if DN was actually feeling bad about it - if she was horribly embarrassed that would be the place (in our family) to talk it through with a DP and see what the learning points were. If DP knew that you were upset that it hadn't been addressed differently at the time, they could suggest sending a card or little drawing to DD to say sorry. But if you were chilled at the time, DP might not realise this and that would be fine too.

TheOrigRights · 11/06/2023 20:56

To me an apology can also be given when you are sorry something happened; it doesn't always mean you are accepted blame, but that something you did turned out badly and you are sorry it happened.
An 8 year old can be supported in learning that.

SemperIdem · 11/06/2023 20:57

I’m a little surprised she didn’t say sorry, my just turned 8 year old knows exactly when saying sorry is appropriate. She would have said sorry in the circs you describe.

Banning her from ever holding your baby again is a bit over the top though, I think. Regardless of whether she should have said sorry or not, it was an accident.

SauvignonBlanche · 11/06/2023 20:58

Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being

Just because your DN is 8 is does not make her any less worthy of consideration, I do hope the responsible adults have apologised to her for the lack of supervision?

MXVIT · 11/06/2023 20:58

OP - why do I get the feeling you'll be the parent at nursery who doesn't let nursery staff change her nappy because they can't get "consent from your child"

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 20:58

Stripedbag101 · 11/06/2023 20:55

OP maybe you should reflect on the response you have received here.

you are understandably focused on your baby and because your niece is a child you don’t know very well you haven’t felt any compassion or understanding or love towards her in this situation.

you have gone to your view of your childhood - children should be made to apologise. If I had done this as a child I know I would have been made to feel dreadful by the adults and would have been forced to apologise. You would have been pleased. But I had a difficult childhood with emotionally immature parents who flew into a rage at the slightest perceived transgression.

I think it is wonderful that your nieces parents recognised the child was embarrassed and didn’t make a spectacle out of her or force her to do some meaningless apology to a tiny baby.

I hope you develop that kind of emotional maturity as your child grows and don’t shame her for mistakes or expect adult emotional responses from her.

What ‘compassion or understanding or love’ did niece’s parents show the poor baby? The baby cried for 10 minutes and the parents didn’t even look at her.

They could have said to their dd ‘be more careful’ but they just dismissed it.

redfacebigdisgrace · 11/06/2023 20:58

Gosh these responses. I’m with you OP. She should have apologised or at least her parents should have.

My nephew was mucking about and knocked a red wine glass over me at a posh dinner. No apology. It was accidental but he should have apologised or been made to. But it’s his mum, she never apologises for anything either. It’s ill mannered.

Nothing PFB about it. Some people just don’t see the need to say sorry. 🤷‍♀️

NameChangeSorryNotSorry · 11/06/2023 20:58

Tygertiger · 11/06/2023 19:50

She’s 8. She will feel embarrassment and shame (hence the immediate reflex “that was an accident” comment) and walked off because those feelings are very uncomfortable (think about it - as an adult, shame is the worst feeling there is, isn’t it?) and she doesn’t have the skills, as an 8 year old, to know how to react.

Ultimately your baby was fine. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

This

MammaTo · 11/06/2023 20:59

I wouldn’t expect an apology for something like this. Maybe off your niece’s mum (even that’s pushing it) perhaps a little “oh sorry I wasn’t watching” out of courtesy.

MXVIT · 11/06/2023 20:59

redfacebigdisgrace · 11/06/2023 20:58

Gosh these responses. I’m with you OP. She should have apologised or at least her parents should have.

My nephew was mucking about and knocked a red wine glass over me at a posh dinner. No apology. It was accidental but he should have apologised or been made to. But it’s his mum, she never apologises for anything either. It’s ill mannered.

Nothing PFB about it. Some people just don’t see the need to say sorry. 🤷‍♀️

Really truly not the same.

toodlesofoodles · 11/06/2023 20:59

maddening · 11/06/2023 20:54

But it is normal to at least apologise for causing an accident as well as further actions required to make amends - it is important to understand that there are consequences to accidents as well to malicious acts and apologising shows you take ownership of your mistake.

What mistake did an 8yo child make?

The only mistake made here was by the op and possibly the 8yo child's mum for not supervising her properly.

Bear in mind the op wanted the 8yo to apologise to a 7 month old baby. No 8 year old is going to think oh, I should say sorry to this baby that wriggled out of my arms accidentally while I was holding them.

Give over.

User1367349 · 11/06/2023 21:00

FGS, some of these posts are batshit. If my 2 year old hurts someone accidentally I expect them to say sorry. Potentially with prompting. If they aren’t quite gettting there, I will be profusely apologising on their behalf. An 8 year old that doesn’t have to say sorry for hurting someone isn’t being taught basic manners.

No, @Toasterfries, YANBU to expect an apology and a bit of a fuss made of the baby. If you’d been posting on behalf of your niece’s parents you’d have got a pasting! 🤣

DontMakeMeShushYou · 11/06/2023 21:00

maddening · 11/06/2023 20:54

But it is normal to at least apologise for causing an accident as well as further actions required to make amends - it is important to understand that there are consequences to accidents as well to malicious acts and apologising shows you take ownership of your mistake.

And therefore both the SIL and the OP need to apologise too (and probably other adults in the room as well) because, just as the niece didn't have her full attention on the baby, neither did they. The niece is no more responsible for the baby hurting herself than any of the adults in the room. Why is the 8 year old the only one expected to apologise for what was, from an adult's perspective, a foreseeable accident?

cyncope · 11/06/2023 21:02

The baby isn't going to understand the apology! Or care! She was upset and wanted to be comforted and breastfed as you said - not have an apology.

What 'talking to' would even be useful to have with the 8 year old - "don't drop babies". She already knows she shouldn't drop babies, it was an accident.

MathsNervous · 11/06/2023 21:02

Babies bounce, it's fine 😂. Was an accident and I would imagine she has learned from it.

MoorRain · 11/06/2023 21:02

maddening · 11/06/2023 20:54

But it is normal to at least apologise for causing an accident as well as further actions required to make amends - it is important to understand that there are consequences to accidents as well to malicious acts and apologising shows you take ownership of your mistake.

But the adults caused it… so they should have apologised to both the children.

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 21:04

MXVIT · 11/06/2023 20:59

Really truly not the same.

Show quote history

Of course it’s the same. Selfish parents not supervising their children with other people’s homes/babies.

Tigofigo · 11/06/2023 21:04

The niece was clearly sorry and contrite whether she said the words or not.

Better to BE sorry and not say it than NOT be sorry and say it insincerely.

You can certainly learn lessons without verbally saying sorry. In fact the niece would have learned something from the encounter.

Having said that I remember feeling incensed if anyone was rough with my bab albeit accidentally, it's a protective instinct.

Poppins2016 · 11/06/2023 21:04

OhmygodDont · 11/06/2023 19:51

Ah she was probably worried she was about to get majorly told off tbh. Think I’d run away at 8 if I’d just dropped a baby on her face even by accident as you know you have to be careful with them as that’s heavily drummed in.

Thankfully baby is ok, her parents and you tbh are the ones who are at fault because she’s 8 a quick cuddle with eyes on and hands split seconds away with babies not long holds where people will naturally start to not be paying so much attention.

I agree with this (and was going to say the same thing). She's 8 and was probably mortified (but didn't know how to express it). An adult should have been watching and ready to assist in order to prevent an accident from occurring.

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 21:04

Well if my 8 year old dropped her niece and I was beside her supervising I would apologise profusely and be very upset at allowing that to happen.

The niece may have been shocked, but I definitely would be hugely apologetic to the babys mum.

saraclara · 11/06/2023 21:04

The 8 yo niece will have felt scared, embarrassed, confused and she doesn't have an adult brain to deal with that

Exactly. I can remember 'running away' from situations like that as a kid. And it wasn't because I didn't care, it was at the times that I cared most. When I was scared put mortified by what had happened. That poor girl would have felt panicky.

OP, you've said that it wasn't her fault. So why do you want an apology from her so badly? By your own account, she has nothing to apologise for.

Babymamaroon · 11/06/2023 21:05

You sound mean and petty.

Your niece is only a little girl herself.

Your baby was fine.

If you overreacted in person as it sounds like you are doing now post-event, you should be ashamed of yourself for reacting like that instead of giving your niece a little cuddle and telling her it's ok, it was an accident and showing her how to hold babies so they don't fall when they lurch around.