To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

It's so awkward isn't it OP. Yesterday I had a football kicked into my face by a 5 year old at one of the classes I run. Knocked me for six to the point I had to give the kids an independent activity while I regrounded myself! Half hearted apology from DC after a prompt from dad. Obviously I said don't worry it wasn't your fault to the DC.
I was expecting dad to come up at the end of the class and apologise properly on DC's behalf.
Nope, nothing!!

There are two children in this situation. You of course feel protective towards your baby and mortified that it happened. The little girl obviously felt bad. It was absolutely right of her parents to affirm they knew it was an accident and later may talk to her to check out she's ok and to tell her about how to hold a baby, that it's ok to give a baby back etc. Of course she should not have to apologise, she isn't responsible for making you feel better. Don't punish her.

So OP, YANBU. Even the parents of the DC could've said sorry.

Everyone (with any sense) takes a step back when a baby is hurt and lets mum or dad deal with it. When something like this has happened to my kids I don't expect an apology - I check baby is ok and then reassure the older child (who is normally watching silently or protesting that it was an accident) that baby is ok, and say these things happen. Because they do happen.

I appreciate the overall perspective and those that have said my niece probably reacted out of fear and shame. I don't know her well purely because she lives far away so we only see her a few times a year but I do love her, she's my niece and I absolutely wish her no harm or distress at all. I would not and did not do anything to try and make her feel bad.I wasn't angry at her for the accident, I wasn't angry at my sister-in-law who was sat right next to them but just looked the other way for a split second. It was an accident, it happens, I never said any different to this. My question was entirely around me feeling she should have been spoken to by her parents to help her recognise that when she's holding a baby she must stay focused and be very careful because clearly accidents can happen, and yes, as a child, I would have been spoken to in similar circumstances and told to apologise, not because I think my parents wanted to traumatise me but because they wanted me to demonstrate that I was aware that my actions had affected someone else.
My niece and her parents are visiting local familt for the week so there will be other opportunities for her spend time with DD again and I was not feeling comfortable to allow this based on what I experienced today but I appreciate where I have been told that her parents most likely responded as they did out of knowing her reaction and perhaps spoke to her later on. My niece loves my DD and has been very excited to see her and she was, as many of you have said, very excited to hold her and spend time with her. I never said and I never wanted her to be punished. I just wanted some assurance that she understood the importance of being careful if she is going to hold my baby. I appreciate this may have happened without me seeing it or my niece might have been more upset than I saw and picked this up for herself.

Thank you to those of you that have tried to help and not just called me a bad parent, a bad aunt and a 'mad scone' or whatever other delightfully derogative terms have been thrown at me for simply asking a parenting question on a parenting forum. I'm relatively new to this. I never said I knew it all!

I'm going to bed now. Crack on with the insults the rest of you if you like but I'm not reading any more.

I’m really starting to see why there are so many impolite adults. Of course an 8 year old might not react optimally, of course! But parents are there to teach and model the behaviours that are kind and good. No one is suggesting bawling out an 8 year old for an accident, but it costs the parents nothing to say “oh no, poor babytoasterfries, I’m so sorry, sorry toasterfries do you need anything?” whilst also comforting their 8 year old who also may be upset by what happened. No fuss, no drama, kindness and good manners.

Allow her to hold her again sorry, not not spend time with her at all.

You are right to stop your niece from holding your baby again, because next time the baby may be injured and that does not bear thinking about.

She needs to be kept away from babies until she can keep them safe.

She should have apologied or at the very least her parents.

I won't let her hold the baby again. Not out of spite, but actually she not responsible and nor are her parents.

Why wasn’t you watching your baby though? Why is it everyone that’s out of order here?

Please get a grip

I don't think the onus should be placed on the 8 year old here at all. I was a very clumsy child and I wouldn't have been allowed to hold a baby at all, not even under adult supervision!
OP, you're right to be upset. Chalk this up to experience, your niece probably was panicking thinking she'd be in trouble, but the adults should have apologised on her behalf or at least encouraged her to.

Sorry op, you missed the memo. As the parent of an actual child, you are no longer the 'perfect parent'. It takes a few months for it to sink in.

Previously you were no doubt full of such gems. We all were. 'my child' won't throw tantrums/refuse to go to bed/watch TV. 'my child' will tidy up/apologise politely/eat all their greens.

You just haven't quite let go yet. Soon enough your baby will be 8. Then you will be suitably embarrassed by all this kerfuffle over an apology to a 7 month old.

Love a mum with a new baby and all these parenting ideals. Wait until your kid is 8 and ask yourself the same question. No, she didn’t need to apologise. She was probably already scared you’d be cross, and nor is she responsible for caring for your child so she did nothing wrong.

How patronising.

You are being unreasonable.

she is 8 (i have two 8 year olds myself) your baby isn’t a doll. If you were happy for her to hold your baby you should have been sat right by her anticipating you might have to step in and not sitting out of reach. Your baby is your responsibility. it might have been a bit scary but your baby is ok so learn from it and let it go.

Anyone can have an accident with a baby, even a mother! So would you keep a mother away?

She should have said sorry.

I don’t think she needed to apologise here as she wasn’t actually doing anything to endanger the baby - she wasn’t being rough or silly, it was a momentary lapse in concentration and she instantly told her parents that it was an accident so she knows how important it is to be careful with the baby. If anything, maybe one of the her parents should have said “I know sweetheart. We know you wouldn’t hurt her on purpose but you have to be extra careful she. You’re holding a baby”. But really that’s all and that’s being picky.

You want the child to apologise, yet I've not seen you once consider the 8 year olds feelings, I'm sure the 8 year old would appreciate you comforting her, telling her it's ok and putting her at ease. It's not all about you and your baby

The baby was hurt. The eight year old wasn't.

You say you comforted your baby, where is the comfort towards your niece?

Come back when your pfb is 8 and let us know how perfectly you're dealing with these situations. 😆

I have a DD the same age as your niece and she has done similar to her younger cousin and her new sibling. Both times she's left the room without giving an apology because she's been really upset but hates showing it in front of people. I've found her crying in her room mortified that she'd hurt the babies.

Personally I wouldn't expect an apology off an 8 year old. Accidents do happen so you either accept it or don't leave an 8 year old in charge of a baby. She's not the responsible one here- the adults who weren't paying attention or weren't close enough are. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Actually the 8 year old was hurt, emotionally. My kids at 8 would have been distraught and needed comforting.