To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

Do you mean the baby was sat on the floor with her and fell forward ? I did that several times with my kids your best to laugh it off. Your baby had such an extreme reaction because you did. I hope u told your niece its ok and accidents happen, poor kid

She didn’t drop the baby, the baby was on her lap and moved to the side and flopped

as 99% of babies have done at some point learning to sit up

The reaction of the average 8 year old to something like that happening is to feel shame and guilt but deny and deflect. (I work with children). Her parents probably read all that in her, knowing her well, and decided to keep things on an even keel as possible by saying it was ok. If they apologised or made her do so (many people feel a forced sorry is invalid anyway), that would be taking it up and inflaming the feelings of shame.

It was an accident and no real harm was done, except perhaps to your relationship with your niece (from your side, not hers).

I wouldn’t be expecting an apology if I thought it was an accident.

Were you there? You saw me strop did you? Fascinating. I went straight to my DD. I picker her up, I spoke to her in a sing song voice, told her she'd taken a tumble, sang her a lullaby that usually calms her, gave her my breast and shushed her whilst stroking her hair. Once she was definitely calm I looked back up and joined in the conversation that everyone else was joining in with which had nothing to do with what had just happened. I am reflecting on what happened now, hours later and after we are home and I personally felt that my niece should have been spoken to so I posted on here to see what others think because I was brought up to consider how my actions affected others and to apologise if anything I had done had impacted someone else. Clearly my sister-in-law, her husband and the majority of you all disagree. Fine. I've been told.
I've also been told I'm a bad parent by people who can't be bothered to read the post fully to know that my sister-in-law was right next to them so I hadn't abandoned my baby with a child, and I've also been told that I'm overreacting despite the fact that my only reaction is to post on Mumsnet. My niece and in-laws will need to read here to even know that I was remotely bothered by this. But sure, pile on. Mumsnet sure does love to fill in the blanks (out and out make things up) and donuts damnedest to make someone feel like utter crap just for the hell of it done they.

I strongly disagree with this. Just because my DD is a baby doesn't make her any less worthy of the same consideration as any other human being (regardless of this thread, I'm talking generally). If someone is worthy of an apology, why should a baby not be included in that just because they don't understand. Isn't the whole point of talking to babies and interacting with them about getting them familiar with the language they will be speaking their entire lives. By this logic why would you ever bother saying anything to them? Don't say good morning, they don't understand. Don't say I love you, they don't understand. Don't say you're sorry, they don't understand.*

Op if anyone needs to apologise here, it's you. Apologise to your baby for letting an 8 year old hold her without your proper supervision.

Your niece is 8 she should have been supervised by an adult at all times, sounds like Sil dropped the ball if anything for not supervising. An 8 year old would loose concentration if something else is happening in the room. Adults are to blame here and I would not expect an apology from the child, accidents happen.

Is anyone else thinking that @Toasterfries might be one of the PFB parents who posts about Miltoning her nipples, sterilising scissors used to open formula/pouches etc. in a few years?

Apologies are for when you’re accepting guilt or liability

Your niece isn’t liable or guilty of anything here

This is so obviously your first child it’s painful

I suppose the thing is who should she have apologised to? It would feel a bit silly her apologising to a baby, and im not really sure that getting an 8 year old to apologise to an adult isn't a bit over the top.

If it had been a child of the same age or even a younger child who could understand an apology I would have said it was right to apologise.

But to have to turn to an adult and apologise makes it into a bigger deal than it was. They probably didn't think you needed an apology, having just seen it was an accident.

Mountain and molehill spring to mind

OP says "she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground."

That's what I was basing my response on. In any case, I still believe the niece could be guided in seeing if the baby is OK etc. No blame needed.

As a previous poster said, she likely felt shame and embarrassment.

I'm reflecting now afterwards and I personally feel if that had been my child I would have spoken to them about what happened so that she could learn from it.

Considering your point of view on this I would imagine you would make the child feel even more deeply ashamed and embarrassed, and it would be a memory that would likely be deeply traumatic for them, rather than a learning experience.

I think it's really you that needs to learn from this experience, rather than your niece.

Also an 8 month old is not a tiny baby. The niece was sat on the floor, I would barely class that as ‘dropped’ it was probably 30 cm.
A month on and my DD was walking. We’re not talking about a delicate little petal newborn dropped by an adult standing. What a drama.

Did your child never fall forwards when learning to sit? Or cruising??

She's 8, her first though was probably that she was going to get in trouble. You're being totally unreasonable.

So, as you are so keen on apologising and treating everyone with the same consideration regardless of age (and imo rightly so), at which point today did you apologise to your niece for not being close enough to help her when your baby lost her balance?

Or are 8-year olds exempt from being treated with consideration?

That's really mean. Clearly most people disagree with the OP, but you don't need to pile on with the sneering and bitching.

The op also said ‘my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground’

a 7 month old will be quite long on a 8 year old so it’s unlikely the 8 year old was holding the 7mo clear of the floor

I don’t think people mean it should be shrugged off. I think in my family it would have been handled as you say- I would have been supervising closely whether I was the mum to the baby or the 8 year old, if the accident had happened I would have been the one to apologise for not managing the situation properly.

I would have comforted the baby and 8 year old and explained I knew it was an accident and said I was sorry I let the baby be hurt.

I wouldn’t have expected an apology from a shocked/upset 8 year old whom I had failed (whether I was her mum or aunt!)

Agree with this. I don't understand these responses.

This is a similar (clearly not the same) story that was posted up by another MNetter recently:

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4816091-my-baby-isnt-safe-around-her-cousin-help-please

I'm sorry people are making fun of you OP.

A few folk have mentioned your niece being shocked, you probably are too. Your baby bumping their head is not nice, then having to get on with a party etc, you probably need a large glass of wine (assuming you can pump & dump) and a bubble bath.

I don't think you're a bad parent, because i do not think a normal 8 year old needs any sort of supervision with a 7 month old baby!

This is just one of those things and a chalk it up to experience moment. Babies at 7 months face plant reasonably often. I doubt your niece could've stopped it.

I don't think she was made to apologise because her parents KNOW she feels bad about it and they don't want her to feel ashamed when she probably couldn't stop talking about "holding the baby" beforehand.

But it is normal to at least apologise for causing an accident as well as further actions required to make amends - it is important to understand that there are consequences to accidents as well to malicious acts and apologising shows you take ownership of your mistake.

Some people love a pile on.