To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

I personally think inability to admit wrong or apologise is equally likely to come from the kind of parenting in which apologies were demanded as a ritual performance rather than from never being asked to.

To be clear, I certainly don't think an apology coming spontaneously from the child would have been a bad or inappropriate thing. But neither do I think this was an occasion for a 'now say you're sorry' teaching moment. And I can't quite figure out where the OP's preoccupation with not getting an apology, to the extent of posting about it on here, is coming from.

If this had been me, I would have sat down with my baby and niece the next time and modelled the sort of vigilance she needed to show.

FFS. Not 'rather than'. 'As'.

This OP.
Hope you're ok

She was probably embarrassed and worried about getting into trouble. You’ve already said nothing came from it, maybe her parents should have apologised but your niece is 8 and you took the decision for her to hold your baby and not sit right by her. Teaching kids to just say sorry all the time means they think it’s a magic word that solves everything too.

Perhaps, but I don't think that telling her that this wasn't her fault, as posters on here seem very likely to do, is a good thing. It WAS her fault. It was an accident, but one that was her fault. Inability to admit fault is not a good thing.

I wouldn't expect a staged performance but I wouldn't be rushing to tell her it wasn't her fault at all, or was OPs fault. I would be telling her yes it was an accident, nobody is mad, but she should have been more careful and should be in future. I would be asking her to check the baby was alright. Focusing on encouraging her to feel apologetic, not defensive and like she had done nothing wrong.

Must say I’d be very surprised if my 8 yo Gdd didn’t apologise in such circumstances. IMO she’d be mortified.

Well it definitely would have seemed awful to the Niece when the aunt was making such a drama out of it!

@Andanotherone01 she didn't make a drama out of it. She soothed her crying baby.

This might be the most batshit post I've read on here.

Comforting your crying baby is not OTT! I'm pretty sure you know that already though.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with comforting a crying baby no one is saying that, however the performance OP listed out does sound a bit OTT. There are going to be many more tumbles to come and making a big song and dance about it each time is going to become exhausting 😂

Pretty sure you’d be making a bigger performance if someone smacked your face on the floor. Just because it happened to a baby doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful.

Thinking of my DD at 8. she would have been absolutely destroyed by something like this happening and I'd be reassuring her that the world wasn't ending rather than telling her off.

The parents should have checked that everything was ok. Any blame lies with the various adults for not supervising enough. But it sounds like just one of those things and everything was fine.

People's opinions are so bizarre on this thread. It's OTT to soothe a crying baby with a cuddle and a song, pretty standard stuff to stop them crying, but an 8 year old needs coddling to the extent they need everyone to rally around them to assure them that it's not their fault when they clumsily hurt a younger child?

It really doesn't add up. So many people seem to have a strange disregard for babies, and obsession with babying older kids.

@aSofaNearYou I think most of the people with that "opinion" don't actually believe that at all but just want to make the OP feel bad. Obviously an 8 year old should say sorry (although not be told off or blamed for an accident) or at the very least check if the baby is ok.

It’s not about babying older kids at all. The ‘older kid’ is only a 8 year old herself. It was an accident. Her parents reassured her it’s ok and they knew she didn’t mean to which was the right thing to do. Having been through the baby/toddler strange themselves they know that these things happen a lot. Baby falls, baby cry’s, baby is fine no drama. Total non event which is why it wasn’t mentioned again.

How is it a performance to expect an 8 yo to apologise when hurting someone regardless of intention?

Posters on here constantly moan about the lack of manners and entitlement that children have yet don’t expect an 8 yo to apologise for hurting someone.

At that age and younger, I would have apologised. I was taught from a young age to apologise when I’ve done something that has hurt someone whether intention or not in such situations. Did I feel upset, yes, and rightfully so as one should for hurting someone but that also meant I would be more aware and careful not to repeat the same actions.

I always tell DC to say sorry if you hurt someone by accident to make them feel better. YANBU.

8 year old knocks baby over, 8 year old feels bad. Total non event. No need for people to reassure her.

Do you see how this works both ways? The 8 year old having to feel bad for hurting someone and say sorry is no more of an "event" than the baby hurting their face.

And maybe guiding her to see that the baby was ok, to give it a hug and say sorry for what happened might mean the next time similar happens it doesn't destroy her.

People on here are crazy. An eight year old is not a toddler, they know right from wrong and should be expected to behave with manners and, yes, apologise when they do something stupid by accident. If this many of you aren’t teaching social skills and basic decency to your children, its no wonder we live in an era of such selfish entitlement. I mean, even my two-year-old apologises if he hurts someone by accident…

If my 3 yo whacks me with a toy accidentally with a toy and I say "ow" they say "uh oh" and kiss it better. If they hurt each other when playing they're told to say sorry and kiss it better. It's just basic practising and learning to show empathy.

I also have an 8 yo. If he'd had run off I'd have called him back, reassured him the baby was OK (cos he'd be upset), that he wasn't in trouble, to go and give the baby a love and he'd be reminded he needs to be more careful in future. No drama. No big deal. Just practising what we do if we accidentally hurt someone.

How is that so weird?

Poor kid probably really embarrassed

I agree, and mine too. I think in this case the child panicked.

Poor baby, being dropped and landing on their face, probably really hurt.

She wasn't dropped.