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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

544 replies

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 19:42

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 08:56

GoodChat · 12/06/2023 06:24

Why do you need OP to reassure niece when both of her parents already did. Your lack of sympathy for OP and her baby is jarring.

Because she wont know if her aunt is angry with her.
Often my nephew panics if my DD hurts herself when they're playing together or if he accidentally hurts her and I'll always immediately tell him it's find because accidents happen.
His parents telling him it's fine doesn't have the same effect because it's not them whose child is directly impacted.

It's like if your child broke a neighbours window with a football and you told them it was fine because you'd get it fixed and accidents happen. They don't know that the neighbour will see it that way.

Weird form of gaslighting, OP was upset at the smack her baby’s head took to the floor, and you’re making her responsible for the niece’s reaction.

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 08:56

She's 8. She will have been scared and worried. Which is why she said straight aware it was an accident (i.e. she didn't mean to). This isn't really her fault, she is too young to take proper care of the baby and should have been carefulyl supervised.

YABU and OTT

Nordicrain · 12/06/2023 08:57

And yes, I hope you weren't funny with the niece. You should defintiely have told her it's ok and you know it was an accident.

Plumbear2 · 12/06/2023 09:00

It's an accident, if she has deliberately pushed the baby then you should have expected an apology. The child has obviously upset and it wasn't a deliberate act so you should have made sure the child was ok and told her not to worry.

MXVIT · 12/06/2023 09:01

@Toasterfries OP - although I stand by my earlier post that YABU in your reaction towards your eight year old niece. I agree with you, the picking apart of your reaction to soothing your baby turn that this thread has taken is terrible, and very uncomfortable to read.

You're about to see the worst of mumsnet.

My advice? Have the thread shut and pay it no more mind.

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 09:02

OP, some people are so focused on raising ‘spirited’ children that they literally see other people’s kids as collateral damage in that quest.

The parents not checking even once if baby is ok shows they’re selfish and self-centred.

Now you know what they’re like, you can be on guard.

MXVIT · 12/06/2023 09:02

And I can't say I'm surprised at the culprits kicking it off tbh - always the same names - thoroughly unpleasant people.

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 09:03

Plumbear2 · 12/06/2023 09:00

It's an accident, if she has deliberately pushed the baby then you should have expected an apology. The child has obviously upset and it wasn't a deliberate act so you should have made sure the child was ok and told her not to worry.

Could you stop goading the OP? How many times are you going to tell her she should have made sure the child was ok? You’re so transparent.

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 09:04

MXVIT · 12/06/2023 09:01

@Toasterfries OP - although I stand by my earlier post that YABU in your reaction towards your eight year old niece. I agree with you, the picking apart of your reaction to soothing your baby turn that this thread has taken is terrible, and very uncomfortable to read.

You're about to see the worst of mumsnet.

My advice? Have the thread shut and pay it no more mind.

I agree, this is now a bullying thread.

Bellaboo01 · 12/06/2023 09:06

Toasterfries · 12/06/2023 08:56

Or maybe I didn't hear because my baby was screaming her head off. The singing and shushing was not a performance for anyone else, it was to soothe my crying baby. When it didn't work on its own I breastfed her and whilst she fed I shushed and stroked her hair and she calmed down. The when it was clear she wasn't upset anymore, but still feeding, I looked up and rejoined the conversation that was going on around us.
This is utterly ridiculous. None of you were there, none of you saw what happened or how I reacted and yet you're all so happy to tell me how terrible I am for reacting how I reacted including now how I comforted by baby who was literally screaming. I was the one who said in my first post she wasn't injured, it was an accident, I wasn't blaming my niece or anyone else and that I said and did nothing at the time, we all just carried on as normal. I asked for opinions, got opinions and have acknowledged that fine, I'm being unreasonable to expect my niece or her parents to have behaved any differently.
My niece certainly did not appear traumatised, she left, her parents did not react beyond saying 'we know, it's okay,' they didn't chase after her and she played with the other children there and carried on. No one, literally no one, said anything about this incident again for the rest of the day. No one asked me if DD was okay, they could see I was looking after her and within 5-10 minutes she'd stopped crying.
Yet so many of you want what exactly? To just keep telling me how terrible I am for coming on here to ask a question! That's literally all I've done! That's the reaction! My sister in law.and my niece got zero reaction! We chatted as normal and when they left I hugged them all as normal. It was not mentioned again. So for goodness sake, enough now!

My baby is injured/ ill/hurt - I'll then spend hours on Mumsnet!

Your 7 month old is fine. Had a cuddle with her young cousin who couldn't hold a wriggley child.

All is well - no drama.

Plumbear2 · 12/06/2023 09:06

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 09:03

Could you stop goading the OP? How many times are you going to tell her she should have made sure the child was ok? You’re so transparent.

Show quote history

It hasn't sunk in to the OP that she should have talked to the child instead of wanting an apology. The child didn't didn't do anything, the baby toppled over, that could have easily have happened if the mum had her.

Rainyrunway · 12/06/2023 09:11

OP I really would ignore all the PP who are just trying to wind you up. Obviously the child should have been spoken to and she SHOULD have said sorry and also should have been remorseful. Not told off, or crying, but any normal caring empathetic child of 8 should be more concerned that the baby is ok than that she was going to be in trouble. Just saying it was an accident and walking off, not checking baby is OK is not an appropriate response. And fwiw I have 8 year old twins. I do think they'd probably first say it was an accident but they'd be visibly distressed, and apologising and asking if baby was ok. If they didn't appear to care we would be having SERIOUS words about other people's feelings, especially babies. I'm pretty sure any normal parent in real life would do the same

Rainyrunway · 12/06/2023 09:13

Plumbear2 · Today 09:00

It's an accident, if she has deliberately pushed the baby then you should have expected an apology. The child has obviously upset and it wasn't a deliberate act so you should have made sure the child was ok and told her not to worry.

The child was NOT obviously upset. So this is a lie.

aSofaNearYou · 12/06/2023 09:30

Completely agree with you OP and think a lot of the comments here are ridiculous. Of course she should have apologised. We're not even talking punishment here, it's nuts that so many think an apology for hurting someone, accidentally or otherwise, is too much to ask from an 8 year old.

Preps · 12/06/2023 09:33

I understand why the child didn't apologise and I don't think I'd have made my child apologise in that situation because I'd be accepting it was my fault and worried child would blame themselves when it wasn't their fault. I would have been very apologetic as the aunt though.

I also wonder how you'd have responded if it was your baby's sibling and you had equal concern for the welfare of each child, but you can't understand that until you have an 8yo. To you currently an 8yo seems practically grown up, but that will change.

It does seem that there was quite a lot of drama around comforting the baby though so maybe that took the appropriate moment for an apology away? They couldn't interrupt your lullaby?

aSofaNearYou · 12/06/2023 09:37

Of course it was her fault. Why are people so terrified of apportioning blame to children? It was an accident, but it was her fault, the world won't end if we admit that.

Preps · 12/06/2023 09:46

aSofaNearYou · 12/06/2023 09:37

Of course it was her fault. Why are people so terrified of apportioning blame to children? It was an accident, but it was her fault, the world won't end if we admit that.

If there had been a real injury to the baby, would you really want an 8yo landed with the guilt of that because she was given a baby to hold and not properly supervised?

TheOrigRights · 12/06/2023 09:47

Lacucuracha · 12/06/2023 09:04

I agree, this is now a bullying thread.

Show quote history

I agree, it's horrible.
I see it a lot on here. Sneering, patronising, piling on.

OP, please hide this thread, it can bring you no good.

aSofaNearYou · 12/06/2023 09:57

If there had been a real injury to the baby, would you really want an 8yo landed with the guilt of that because she was given a baby to hold and not properly supervised?

Yes. I'd want anyone, including an 8 year old, to apologise if they accidentally hurt somebody. Such as if they walked in to somebody, or stepped on someone's foot. Tbh, I'd expect my 4 year old to say sorry for those things.

She doesn't need to be wracked with guilt, tbh this would only be the case if apologising for minor accidents wasn't normalised to you. She just needed to say a simple sorry and everyone would move on.

And I don't agree with the "she's totally not at fault because she's far too young to hold a baby and should have been supervised better" line of thought. An 8 year old is perfectly capable of cuddling a baby (sat down) and being careful. You'd grant her leeway for being clumsy since she's young, obviously, hence why it isn't a huge deal, but at 8 she could have and should have been more careful. She no doubt asked to cuddle the baby, too.

CurzonDax · 12/06/2023 10:00

OP, I agree with you. Children learn from their adults (no 8 year is expected to know everything). Something like this would have been lighthearted, and thus not blaming the 8 year old, but still an opportunity to teach her to check in on others.

OP takes baby away to soothe her. DN parents take DN away and reassure her that everyone understands it was an accident, and she is not to blame. After baby is soothed and calm:

Parent of DN: Don't worry, it was an accident, but shall we pop over to OP and check that baby is okay now?

8YO sees her parent modeling how to do this, and the day continues as normal, with the incident not being mentioned again.

GoodChat · 12/06/2023 10:07

@Lacucuracha I'm not making her responsible for anything - I'm just pointing out that reassurance from the purpose you've caused grief is a reasonable requirement for a young child to not feel guilty

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 12/06/2023 11:14

This thread is batshit.

OP, your baby got hurt, the people who were supervising her (neice and SiL) didn't assume any responsibility for it, so don't give your baby to them again. That's not an overreaction on your part, that's looking after your child.

If they're not going to take responsibility for the baby, they don't get to hold the baby.

ShoesoftheWorld · 12/06/2023 11:41

Rainyrunway · 12/06/2023 09:11

OP I really would ignore all the PP who are just trying to wind you up. Obviously the child should have been spoken to and she SHOULD have said sorry and also should have been remorseful. Not told off, or crying, but any normal caring empathetic child of 8 should be more concerned that the baby is ok than that she was going to be in trouble. Just saying it was an accident and walking off, not checking baby is OK is not an appropriate response. And fwiw I have 8 year old twins. I do think they'd probably first say it was an accident but they'd be visibly distressed, and apologising and asking if baby was ok. If they didn't appear to care we would be having SERIOUS words about other people's feelings, especially babies. I'm pretty sure any normal parent in real life would do the same

'visibly distressed'
'didn't appear to care'

I find this sort of approach quite worrying - expecting a certain and very particular type of (distressed) outward emotional response to a situation like this from a small child. A PP above pointed out very astutely that empathy is something that happens inside someone and many people who make a big show of 'caring' on the outside have very little real empathy on the inside.

I think the OP's niece's response showed that she did care. But she's a child, of course she thinks about getting into trouble. Look at the number of adult women on here who are caught speeding and worry about their points and licences rather than about the people they could have hit and killed. They get reassured with the whole 'oh, we've all done it'. And we expect more from an 8yo child?

Rainyrunway · 12/06/2023 11:51

This is ridiculous:
"PP above pointed out very astutely that empathy is something that happens inside someone and many people who make a big show of 'caring' on the outside have very little real empathy on the inside."
What's the point in being empathetic if you do absolutely nothing with it and just walk off and not even check if the baby (in this situation) is actually ok. Did she even ask? Because it certainly didn't say she did in the OP.
By this logic - if I ran over your cat as long as I felt bad about it that's enough. No need to stop and try and find the cat to see if I could actually save it, maybe take it to the vet or whatever. What matters is that I felt bad.

aSofaNearYou · 12/06/2023 11:54

I think the OP's niece's response showed that she did care. But she's a child, of course she thinks about getting into trouble. Look at the number of adult women on here who are caught speeding and worry about their points and licences rather than about the people they could have hit and killed. They get reassured with the whole 'oh, we've all done it'. And we expect more from an 8yo child?

Actually I do think it's important to teach an 8 year old to apologise when they've hurt someone. There are lots of people out there who can't admit when they've done wrong or apologise, and who dig their heels in and get defensive about being accused. It starts in childhood. She needs to experience apologising and it not being the end of the world, to get used to it.