To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

She was probably just a bit scared herself! You're so ridiculous to think she shud apologise. Shes 8!

If you are saying they all just said we know and noone said to you is she ok, I'm so sorry I didn't quite see, etc then yes dreadful. And of course she should say sorry I will be more careful, just because it's an accident what if next time she has an accident it's not all OK? Weird responses op. Sorry about that.

She's got no clue that a baby falling onto it's face and crying loudly because they fell off their lap was hurt and upset? If they were so clueless to anything having happened, they wouldn't have said "that was an accident"

DS has just turned 8. I'd expect him to apologise and either give baby a cuddle or kiss the boo boo if the baby would let him. Certainly some act of comfort.

What a random botchy comment formed in absolutely nothing op has said. Do you feel better for being unnecessarily rude? Has it made your day better?

If they talked to her later about being more careful, surely they would have stated their intent to do so to OP?

Something like:
DNiece: it was an accident.
DParentsOfDNiece: we know.
DNiece runs off.
DParentsOfDNiece to OP: We'll talk to her later about being more careful.

At the moment, it comes across as them not caring that she dropped the baby and not caring that she was more interested in avoiding blame than in acknowledging the harm that she could have done (which is one of the purposes of an apology) and expressing regret for her mistake (which is another purpose of an apology). Which doesn't exactly look like great parenting from here.

You don't know that the child wasn't 'empathetic'.
That's something that goes on in someones head.

There's plenty of people who are great at feigning empathy even though they don't actually have much or any.

I'd agree with this 8 is quite old in the scheme of things! Even my 2 year old knows if someone is hurt and will empathise

@PixieLaLa bloody hell are you for real?! A baby's just been dropped on her face and is crying and a mother picking her up to soothe her is OTT? What should have happened then? Just leave her there on the ground to teach the baby the importance of self-soothing?

Why do you need OP to reassure niece when both of her parents already did. Your lack of sympathy for OP and her baby is jarring.

Because she wont know if her aunt is angry with her.
Often my nephew panics if my DD hurts herself when they're playing together or if he accidentally hurts her and I'll always immediately tell him it's find because accidents happen.
His parents telling him it's fine doesn't have the same effect because it's not them whose child is directly impacted.

It's like if your child broke a neighbours window with a football and you told them it was fine because you'd get it fixed and accidents happen. They don't know that the neighbour will see it that way.

YABU. She was obviously scared you would be angry. Poor child, she knew she’d done something “wrong”. and was probably quite upset and afraid.

You needed to be supervising.

What’s more worrying is adults not understanding how 8 year olds react.

Can you stop saying the baby was dropped on her head. From what you have described earlier your baby was sat on the floor with her cousin and she lost her sitting balance, swayed and landed on her face. Is that correct?

In this scenario, I would be more worried about the 8yo than the baby. I mean, obviously the baby should be comforted, but this is like baby day to day normal random stuff that happens. The 8yo though had a more significant experience - she will have felt a lot of stuff about having failed at her “big girl” job, made a mistake in front of lots of people etc. I don’t think she needed a lecture on being more careful, I think she needed comfort and telling she did ok and that these things happen. Obviously then later, for example next time she held a baby, there is an opportunity for really hands on coaching and support.

obviously all very different in a more serious scenario where baby was properly hurt.

Exactly. An older baby was ‘dropped’ from the height of an 8 year old sat on the floor. So not very high at all!
Surely 7 month olds fall from the same distance all the time when they’re learning to pull themselves up etc.

All this “baby dropped on her head/face” is just so dramatic and trying to demonise the niece way more than necessary.

I think a cuddle would have been sufficient, you're reaction does sound quite OTT tbh 😳 she will have many more tumbles yet!

I don't believe there is a single parent on this planet who hasn't had a minor accident with their baby. It's majorly unreasonable to hold an 8 year old to a higher standard

...and this face plant from a sitting position is the most minor of accidents. Though to the 8 year old it would have seemed awful.

Yabu and ott. Wait to your DC is 8. It's petty to say neice can't hold baby again. Move on from this....

Haven't read the full thread but she's 8. The fact she immediately said 'it was an accident' means that her first thought was that she was going to get into trouble which is a totally normal response from a kid that age. I think you are expecting too much from her. However the adults could have checked on your dd before leaving I guess.

It just seems like a bit of a performance.

most parents would say whoopsie; check she is okay and pick her up.

your singing and stoking and breastfeeding seem a lot of a baby who basically rolled over from sitting position.it almost sounds like you did all this to make a point to everyone that the baby was hurt.

of You react like this for every tumble them your baby will also have exaggerated responses

Hi op I'm glad your baby is OK, with regards to your niece, you have said you don't know her very well. Obviously I don't know her at all so correct me if I'm wrong, but perhaps she is a very sensitive child and her parents making a big thing of it In front of you all would have made it worse. I'm just going by her reaction here but my 8 year old dd would also respond to something like this in a similar way. I agree with you that children should understand that even if someone was hurt by accident they still deserve an apology, but having said that how I would react would depend entirely on the child, perhaps her parents talked to her quietly about this afterwards, that's what I would have done with my dd (8) cos I know how sensitive she is and calling her out in front of people would have added to her feelings of shame and guilt. I think you handled it well by just comforting the baby and not making a big deal in front of your niece, I disagree that she shouldn't be allowed to hold the baby again but that's your call as the baby's mum, but if you decide to let her then perhaps just a gentle reminder we have to be very careful with the baby as she's little and fragile at this age. I bet she won't be making the mistake of dropping her again!

yes, as a child, I would have been spoken to in similar circumstances and told to apologise, not because I think my parents wanted to traumatise me but because they wanted me to demonstrate that I was aware that my actions had affected someone else.

I think the use of 'demonstrate' is quite telling, OP -. it shows what you think apologies from children are about - performative self-abasement (I recognise that, I was raised the same way). You wanted it driven home to the child, in front of others, that she'd (in your eyes) done wrong, and you wanted her to have to admit it to you - if you're honest with yourself, as a kind of 'justice' or even 'revenge' for her 'hurting' your baby (I say 'hurting' in quotes because, as you yourself say, no harm was really done, although obviously it wasn't ideal). I think it's this lack of generosity of spirit towards a young child (my eldest is 18 - 8 really is still so very young) that has got people's backs up.

your singing and stoking and breastfeeding seem a lot of a baby who basically rolled over from sitting position.italmost sounds like you did all this to make a point to everyone that the baby was hurt.

I'm afraid I also agree with this. I'd probably have given mine a quick feed, but - because that and a bit of stroking and rocking would have sufficed - all the singing and shushing does seem a bit performative.

I agree. Reading this more, maybe this is why no one apologised, because of the ridiculous overacting. Or maybe they did and you didn't hear as you were preoccupied with singing 🙈

It wasn't the child's fault. Your 7 month old baby topped over. That's it. Has your child been practising sitting up yet? At this age they should be either practising with pillows behind them or sitting fully independently. At this stage babies do topple over, alot so your performance sounds very strange considering this is an everyday occurrence. A quick you are on and a cuddle round suffice, you could have done this at the same time as reassuring your niece. A 7 month old is not a tiny baby, they are more robust at this age will get knocked, fall etc especially when trying to sit independently, crawling and pulling themselves up.

Or maybe I didn't hear because my baby was screaming her head off. The singing and shushing was not a performance for anyone else, it was to soothe my crying baby. When it didn't work on its own I breastfed her and whilst she fed I shushed and stroked her hair and she calmed down. The when it was clear she wasn't upset anymore, but still feeding, I looked up and rejoined the conversation that was going on around us.
This is utterly ridiculous. None of you were there, none of you saw what happened or how I reacted and yet you're all so happy to tell me how terrible I am for reacting how I reacted including now how I comforted by baby who was literally screaming. I was the one who said in my first post she wasn't injured, it was an accident, I wasn't blaming my niece or anyone else and that I said and did nothing at the time, we all just carried on as normal. I asked for opinions, got opinions and have acknowledged that fine, I'm being unreasonable to expect my niece or her parents to have behaved any differently.
My niece certainly did not appear traumatised, she left, her parents did not react beyond saying 'we know, it's okay,' they didn't chase after her and she played with the other children there and carried on. No one, literally no one, said anything about this incident again for the rest of the day. No one asked me if DD was okay, they could see I was looking after her and within 5-10 minutes she'd stopped crying.
Yet so many of you want what exactly? To just keep telling me how terrible I am for coming on here to ask a question! That's literally all I've done! That's the reaction! My sister in law.and my niece got zero reaction! We chatted as normal and when they left I hugged them all as normal. It was not mentioned again. So for goodness sake, enough now!