To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

I’m with you OP, she should have apologised. It’s not good enough to say it was an accident, she should have been more careful. I would find her inability to show any empathy, and her lack of concern that she’s hurt another human being, a bit worrying, personally.

The OP needs to study child development.

It is always best to teach desired behaviour by modelling it yourself. So if you want a child to apologise for their mistakes, apologising for your own would be a good start. As an adult, if you know enough etiquette to think an apology is required from a child, you know enough to recognise and apologise for your own mistakes.

I dont think an apology is needed but this is why you dont let 8 year olds hold babies, they're not 'little mums' or play acting at being mums, babies are not dolls or play things to be passed around at family gatherings.

When you 'adult' young children accidents happen

I feel sorry for your niece having such terrible parents! For her to react like that instantly, she must have been taught one or more of the following lessons:

• Apologising is weakness.
• Avoiding blame is more important than mitigating harm and repairing relationships.
• Admitting fault is worse than than making the mistake in the first place.

I was brought up the same way, it took therapy and decades to unlearn it and, on top of undiagnosed autism, it caused enormous problems for me in my professional and personal life.

Giving an eight year old a baby probably wasn't wise though, they don't have adult levels of motor skills at that age. If they did, they'd use joined-up writing and they still print at eight.

Some of you must be raising very emotionally stunted children. Of course an eight year old should know to say sorry when they’ve hurt someone and to check they are ok.

It’s your first isn’t it

Yes, I said children should betaught to say sorry . A poster replied "Only children?"

This happened to me at about the same age except that the baby got a blood blister on his forehead and the mum had to rush across the road to her neighbour who was a nurse.
I was absolutely mortified and to this day the memory of it makes me go cold, but outwardly I probably behaved like your niece.
8 year olds aren't mature enough to correctly handle a high-emotion situation like that, and to be fair a lot of adults aren't either.
Probably everybody involved felt awful.

At 7 months your baby will be crawling soon, then pulling themselves up on furniture - these are stages with so many face plants, headbumps and accidents that you lose count very quickly and its a horrible but normal developmental stage. Some of these will happen on your watch and you will likely experience the same gut wrenching guilt that many of us feel. I wouldn't expect an 8 year old to have the emotional maturity to deal with that! Nor would I expect an 8 year old to have the attention span to have stopped an accident like this in the first place. Stopping her holding the baby is overkill obviously you don't ever leave them unattended while she's holding the baby (regardless of this accident) but her walking away isn't a sign of her lacking empathy.

I don't believe there is a single parent on this planet who hasn't had a minor accident with their baby. It's majorly unreasonable to hold an 8 year old to a higher standard. Yes she should have apologised as we all should apologise for accidents, but she's 8 and probably felt absolutely awful and just wanted to get away - not because she didn't care but because at 8 that's a huge emotion to deal with.

She probably ran away to cry, away from people.

The 8yo immediately said it was an accident, she was probably mortified.

The op wanted the 8yo CHILD to apologise to her 7mo baby. A baby that she was looking after to the best of her 8yo ability.

"she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD "

I'd just say that her getting up and leaving could well have been because she felt absolutely awful about dropping DD. She's 8.

This, combined with the someone else saying you could have asked her to apologise.
I wouldn't stop her holding the babe.

I'd just say that her getting up and leaving could well have been because she felt absolutely awful about dropping DD. She's 8.

I agree, she most likely felt awful even though it didn't look like she did.

OP needs to move on from this and sit next to her niece when she holds the baby again.

Agree

She's 8 .,....

I agree. She should have said sorry, parents should have told her she needed to be more careful. The OP is not being OTT as many suggested in being upset to see her baby dropped face first on the ground! That is upsetting!

I know your DD wasn't unattended with the baby at any point sorry I just realised how that part of my post sounded 🤦‍♀️ that was in response to others saying 8 year olds shouldn't hold baby's full stop! My eldest was 3 when she 'held' her sister on the day we came home from hospital at 5 days old - I just meant that children can absolutely have cuddles/physical interaction with babies safely with adults present.

You're right. YANBU. Once you were sure the baby was fine, you could relax about that. Yes, the child's comment and her parents response are weird. It's an opportunity for an 8 year old to learn to do the right thing with gentle direction by her parents. They're certainly teaching her.

You'd think they'd be able to think beyond just her to you, the mother of a baby who has just been dropped on its face. Your heart must have stopped.
Thank goodness all is well.

I’d be irritated too. More so that your DH’s sister wasn’t bothered about her baby niece face planting.

I have very different children but at 8 all of them would have shown concern for a hurt baby. They would definitely have wanted to be sure the baby was ok. Would probably have burst into tears at some point too. 8 is more than old enough to be empathetic.
OP probably wanted Niece to show concern for her cousin rather than herself which she should be doing at that age.

A 7 mo baby is not like a newborn it is heavy and wriggly and strong. Many babies by this stage are already pulling themselves up on the furniture and starting to cruise- a very small minority are actually walking independently.And they fall.A lot. Your baby is going to have lots of falls and faceplants over the next few months.It is absolutely normal, Your reaction was absolutely ridiculous!

I picker her up, I spoke to her in a sing song voice, told her she'd taken a tumble, sang her a lullaby that usually calms her, gave her my breast and shushed her whilst stroking her hair

Erm slightly OTT! No harm done, you sound a bit ridiculous here.

Yanbu op. It was a good teaching moment for the 8yo, her parents should have ensured she apologised and made sure baby was ok. There’s no shame or harm in realising you’ve made a mistake and apologising. The 8 year olds knee jerk reaction to try and make sure she didn’t get in trouble is worrying!!
I think you’ve had a really hard time here OP.

You know this is an EIGHT year old? Right?

She’s 8 and it was an accident. Her parents did exactly the right thing by reassuring her instead of making her apologise and adding to her feelings of shame (though if I were them, I would have apologised once she was out of her earshot).

They probably spoke to her about being more careful later and without an audience.