To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

[Toasterfries]

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

I think it's very easy when your child is just a baby to look at older children and they look absolutely enormous and you can sometimes assume they have much more adult abilities and sensibilities than they actually do at that age.

Realistically, the 8yo is really no more at fault here for not having 100% concentration and dexterity when it comes to
holding a baby than the 7 month old is at fault for throwing herself around and landing on the ground.

As others have said, the reaction sounds like the child was panicking.

I find the apology thing a little odd. You want her to apologise for something that wasn't really her fault that ended in an accident - you may as well be asking your daughter to apologise to her cousin for helping to cause the accident. Both are fairly nonsensical, when you look at it logically.

An accident that could have been prevented by a child doing/not doing something age-appropriate? Needs an apology, whether the child means it deep down or not, because that's how society works and they need to learn that.

Expecting them to apologise because they have failed to do something that is beyond their developmental abilities is pretty strange.

Take the example of learning to ride a bike - if, say, my kid isn't a confident cyclist and they veer off and hit or inconvenience someone? I apologise, because that's on me. Because I'm not supervising my kid appropriately when they don't have the ability to be safe in that situation.

She's eight. She probably left quickly because she maybe thought that she was going to get told off.
Your baby is fine but you're being horrible in expecting a little girl to apologise for an accident.

Did any of the adults involved apologise for their own mistakes?

Modelling behaviour is the best way to teach it.

There was time for both once the baby settled .

I too think you are making this to be more than it is. You acknowledge that it was a mere accident. Actually no harm was done.

I also agree you are asking for an adult response from a mere 8 year old. In time you will see lots of bumps and jostling etc that will no doubt cause you to reflect on this moment!

Let it go. There was no malice. I too am not thinking an 8 year old should apologise for a slip in this instance. Kindly I do think you are overthinking this and trying to put adult perspective on your niece. Her parents have no doubt seen lots of knocks and bumps and just thought it was a whoops moment. As actually I do.

Yes, I think she was probably quite shocked and scared that the baby might have been harmed. Cut her some slack. That was a pretty traumatic thing for her too. And you should let her hold the baby again and take the opportunity to explain how to do it properly. Then watch her like a hawk.

I understand that was upsetting but she is 8. Maybe she shouldn’t have been holding her at all.

Very sensible and reasonable post. Spot on.

I am entirely with you on this one OP, YANBU. The fact that it's an accident doesn't mean we shouldn't say sorry, if we bump into someone we would generally say sorry as it's polite to do so because you've caused someone else inconvenience/pain etc. I 100% would have spoken to my child and said I know it was an accident and you didn't mean to hurt her but it's nice to say sorry as you did hurt her. And then explained about how careful we need to be with little ones. I'm quite shocked that so many people don't think that this is the right course of action, it's pretty worrying...

Niece’s parents didn’t even have the decency to check on baby or ask after her. And niece got reassurance from her parents.

Ah, the PFB! Dont worry, in a few months your precious one will be more advanced than everyone else's baby at <insert random basic skill>😁

Also the idea that she was scared and that is why she and her parents did nothing is nonsense, if she was genuinely scared how hard would it have been to say 'it's ok, you aren't in trouble, but you did accidentally hurt X so you should say you're sorry'.

You sound very unhinged. You said yourself it was an accident. Weird...

So applying this logic, the adults are then apologising to the 8yo for setting her up to fail?

The analogy with bumping into someone doesn't really hold up. We're adults, it's within our capabilities to look where we're going and avoid barging into others. Sometimes we mess up, and we apologise.

she should have been spoken to by her parents to help her recognise that when she's holding a baby she must stay focused and be very careful because clearly accidents can happen

You're still not getting it. Yes children who are holding babies need to be told to be careful but shouldn't be expected to "stay focused" to look after a baby so their parents can eat burgers and drink Pimms. The responsibility of keeping all children safe still lies with the adults in charge. An 8 year old is still a little kid.

I just can't get over the absolute irony of you wanting the child to take responsibility whilst you refuse to.

It's not about who is at "fault", finding someone to blame, or saying you are a bad parent.

She’s 8
She was in shock
You should have sat next to her

I'm not talking about the nieces parents. OP should have reassured the niece that the baby was fine. She didn't, she's the adult in this scenario.

Op get over yourself!

They probably spoke to her away from an audience or on the way home or son!

Your kid is fine!

Only children?

In this case the adults should all be apologising too. Because this was an accident which you'd have to be absolutely clueless not to see coming. If the SIL said "I'll sit with [DN] whilst she holds the baby", then it is her fault and she should be apologising. If OP let DN hold the baby without ensuring that an adult was supervising properly, then the OP is to blame and she should be apologising.

Yes, it would be great if the DN apologised but goodness knows how the poor little girl is supposed to learn to do that when she has an aunt and a mother who are incapable of saying sorry for their own mistakes.

Ynbu. She dropped the baby, it was an accident but yes she still should have appologised. If she knocked an ornament off the counter or dropped a glass people would expect an apology!! This is no different. It is usually a natural reaction to say "oh sorry"when you drop/break something that doesn't belong to you!!
I would also be questioning her empathy, not asking if the baby is ok? I have 14 children within my close family between 2yrs and 16yrs, they would all bar one with sevre LD, at least ask if the baby was ok! And why should an 8yr old not be allowed to hold their baby cousin? They were supervised, albeit there was a lapse in concentration from all parties, it happens.

Kids drop things/break things/knock things over, accidents happen but they should apologise for it and be accountable for their actions!

Why do you need OP to reassure niece when both of her parents already did. Your lack of sympathy for OP and her baby is jarring.

Well, if adults don't say sorry I suppose they need to be taught to do so, but who would teach them?
If all children are taught to say sorry when they make mistakes that affect other people then all adults would already know about it, wouldn't they?

I would live to what the other viewpoint in this.

my daughter met her baby cousin for the second time today. She was so excited. She was allowed to sit with the baby on her knee - but in the floor. Baby wriggled away from her a fell 10pm onto the floor.

SIL swept in making a huge fuss - baby responded to SIL’s OTT reaction - SIL took baby away to breast feed her to ‘calm her down’.

My daughter panicked shouted is wa san accident and ran away to hide. She is still upset. We have tried to reassure her this happens all the time with babies and it’s okay.

there is now an atmosphere with SIL - she is as clearly annoyed.

bot sure if I should take dd back to see the baby. SIL is clealry has no idea that an
eight year old doesn’t understand childcare like an adult. Might avoid until the baby is older!!

I'm confused by these answers- the way some PPs are talking about the niece, you'd think she was four. Most eight year olds ought to be able to hold a baby (not a newborn) on the floor without an adult hovering over them watching their every move. I wouldn't leave an 8-year-old looking after a baby without an adult in the room, but it's perfectly normal surely for a child of that age to sit and play with a baby for a bit- especially on the floor.

What happened is not anyone's fault, it's just a wriggly baby. Could have happened with an adult holding the baby. I also think eight is grown up enough to know it's polite/the done thing to show concern when someone is hurt, but that doesn't mean what happened is her fault. It's just one of those things!

The fact that the OP didn't even consider the child's feeling and over her support, even a hug speaks volumes about the OP.