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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my niece should have apologised for accidentally hurting my baby

544 replies

Toasterfries · 11/06/2023 19:42

At a family gathering today my 8 year old niece was holding DD (7 months) sat on the ground. Her Mum was sat next to her and her Dad just behind them on a chair. My niece had been doing a good job holding DD but suddenly her concentration slipped and she turned one direction whilst DD went the other and she dropped her so DD landed face first on the ground.
I appreciate completely that this was an accident and my niece did not mean to, her Mum was just looking the other way for that split second and I was just out of reach too so in the moment there was nothing we could do and it just happened. DD cried and needed a lot of comforting from me and a breastfeed but within 5-10 minutes was happy as anything again so she wasn't injured. Accidents happen, I get that.

My annoyance though is that immediately as it happened, my niece just said 'that was an accident' to her parents who said 'we know, it's okay' and she got up and left without so much as looking at my DD and they didn't say anything further to her or me or even DD.
AIBU to think that in this instance, my niece should be being taught to apologise and think about how that can be avoided again in future? She didn't need telling off but some discussion surely about why it's so important to be so careful when she's holding a baby and to come and check on DD to make sure she's okay.

I won't be letting her hold DD again I don't think because I just don't see how she's going to learn from this situation.

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 11/06/2023 21:55

Tygertiger · 11/06/2023 19:50

She’s 8. She will feel embarrassment and shame (hence the immediate reflex “that was an accident” comment) and walked off because those feelings are very uncomfortable (think about it - as an adult, shame is the worst feeling there is, isn’t it?) and she doesn’t have the skills, as an 8 year old, to know how to react.

Ultimately your baby was fine. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

This.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 11/06/2023 21:56

OhmygodDont · 11/06/2023 19:51

Ah she was probably worried she was about to get majorly told off tbh. Think I’d run away at 8 if I’d just dropped a baby on her face even by accident as you know you have to be careful with them as that’s heavily drummed in.

Thankfully baby is ok, her parents and you tbh are the ones who are at fault because she’s 8 a quick cuddle with eyes on and hands split seconds away with babies not long holds where people will naturally start to not be paying so much attention.

Also this

AxolotlEars · 11/06/2023 21:57

She was embarrassed. I would definitely let her hold my baby again.

Thinkbiglittleone · 11/06/2023 21:57

Maybe they did speak to your niece but on the way home and didn't feel the need to do it in front of everyone.
I am a stickler for manners and apologising (we still apologise for accidents etc) but The 8 year old said "it was an accident" and ran off she was probably upset herself and shocked and thought the fact she said it was an accident covered it.

Maybe next time she holds the baby, you sit with her and "teach her" the importance of always watching her. It's an overreaction to not let her hold her again, and a could be seen as a punishment for a simple accident, just supervise her better and teach her.

azlazee1 · 11/06/2023 21:58

Regardless of her age, she should have apologized to you. Her parents should have told her to if she didn't do it on her own.

LoonyLois · 11/06/2023 21:58

Could you get your DH to speak to SIL about it? I’d want an apology too

Mariposista · 11/06/2023 21:59

Plumbear2 · 11/06/2023 21:51

You want the child to apologise, yet I've not seen you once consider the 8 year olds feelings, I'm sure the 8 year old would appreciate you comforting her, telling her it's ok and putting her at ease. It's not all about you and your baby

This with bells on.

SlippySarah · 11/06/2023 22:06

My DS is 8 and very defensive if he thinks he might get told off. There's a lot of "it wasn't my fault" "it was an accident" and he actually gets very upset if he thinks he's done something that has hurt someone. In this case he would be very careful with a baby (he has much younger half siblings so knows the drill) but I wouldn't hold him responsible for the baby's safety at any point. My DD is 12 and if she was holding a baby I'd expect her to keep the baby safe from accidents almost as well as an adult. But not an 8 year old.

Summerfun54321 · 11/06/2023 22:07

The person who should have apologised was the person who let an 8 year old hold a baby.

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 22:08

Plumbear2 · 11/06/2023 21:51

You want the child to apologise, yet I've not seen you once consider the 8 year olds feelings, I'm sure the 8 year old would appreciate you comforting her, telling her it's ok and putting her at ease. It's not all about you and your baby

What a load of crap, OP has been nothing but kind about her niece, and has said she loves her.

Stripedbag101 · 11/06/2023 22:10

LoonyLois · 11/06/2023 21:58

Could you get your DH to speak to SIL about it? I’d want an apology too

Please don’t cause a whole family drama over an every day accident. Accident is even the wrong word here. Babies wriggle - even adults find them slippery little suckers.

the baby is fine - the mum was a little precious but after a glass of wine and a deep breath she will put this into proportion. In a year or two she will look back on this and cringe. When her own daughter is eight she will have a competent different perspective:

forcing a young child to apologise more than 24 hours after the incident to an aunt she doesn’t really know is a bit OTT. The child will never want to be around this aunt again and all the adults will resent OP for making a mountain out of a milehill

Summerfun54321 · 11/06/2023 22:11

Also she was in a group scenario, there is no way I'd make an embarrassed 8 year old apologise in front of a whole group of people for something that was an accident. That is way more humiliating and damaging than a 7 month old taking a small tumble. It's absolutely not the scenario to make an example of a young child.

Owlyhedgehog · 11/06/2023 22:17

Sorry your baby fell and glad they are ok.
However making an 8yr old (I have an 8yr old) apolgise for dropping a baby doesnt feel right to me, say sorry!
She was probably embarrased and scared of getting told off hence why she ran off. My DD would have probably stood there and cried. It was an accident, you left your baby with her.
I also wouldnt stop her holding baby again but I would be supervising it.

Prescottdanni123 · 11/06/2023 22:17

An eight year old is too young to be expected to hold a baby for x amount of time and keep their concentration. Your DD is your responsibility, you should have been right beside ether ready to intervene if it looked like your niece's attention was wandering, not trying to put the responsibility onto your niece and SIL.

Maybe they did speak to her later on? At the time, she was no doubt upset, embarrassed, ashamed and scared of a telling off, hence why she walked off. Her parents would have wanted to reassure her that it was OK and an accident rather than adding to her distress in that moment. They may have spoken to her about it that evening when she was calm.and it had all blown over a bit.

If you never let her hold your DD again, she will know why. And she will know that you don't trust her, think that you blame her, possibly that you don't like her anymore. It will damage any chance you have of having a close relationship with her in the future. If I were you, I'd let her hold your DD again but stat close by so you can intervene if needed.

toddlermom99 · 11/06/2023 22:17

She's 8 years old. It's your own fault for not supervising your own baby when you let a young child hold her.

WomanFromTheNorth · 11/06/2023 22:18

Yabvvvu

AndDoTheTangoInTheNightTAAAAAANGOOO · 11/06/2023 22:22

Have you heard yourself, she's 8!! Is this your first child? Once you have more than one you'll realise how daft you are being. You left an 8 year old hold the baby, the 8 year old is a small child, not a fellow adult, if you are bothered you should have been watching. I have a 7 year old daughter, our youngest is 2 so she is really good around babies anyway, I still wouldn't leave her holding our 1 year old nephew without being right there, I trust her completely but she isn't very old herself.

I think draw a line under it and stop being mad at a child, it's on your watch not hers.

SamphireSandwich · 11/06/2023 22:25

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 22:08

What a load of crap, OP has been nothing but kind about her niece, and has said she loves her.

Show quote history

Actions speak louder than words and she intends to not let the 8 year old hold her DD again!

I’m sure the 8 year old feels totally shit and much more aware of being careful, but she won’t be able to show it as she had an accident!

should all adults that have car accidents, minor or not, never drive a car again….,,

Thisisabsolutelyfine · 11/06/2023 22:25

OhmygodDont · 11/06/2023 19:51

Ah she was probably worried she was about to get majorly told off tbh. Think I’d run away at 8 if I’d just dropped a baby on her face even by accident as you know you have to be careful with them as that’s heavily drummed in.

Thankfully baby is ok, her parents and you tbh are the ones who are at fault because she’s 8 a quick cuddle with eyes on and hands split seconds away with babies not long holds where people will naturally start to not be paying so much attention.

Absolutely all of this

Hoppingmad231 · 11/06/2023 22:25

When young children such as 8 have accidents with babies they panic think they have hurt them will get told off no doubt that is why she walked off, maybe an adult should off explained to her yes we know it was an accident baby will be absolutely fine don't worry.

JandalsAlways · 11/06/2023 22:29

She obviously panicked, hence her quick "that was an accident". A bit odd that no one apologised, but I wouldn't get worked up about it

Stanelyjones · 11/06/2023 22:30

Tygertiger · 11/06/2023 19:50

She’s 8. She will feel embarrassment and shame (hence the immediate reflex “that was an accident” comment) and walked off because those feelings are very uncomfortable (think about it - as an adult, shame is the worst feeling there is, isn’t it?) and she doesn’t have the skills, as an 8 year old, to know how to react.

Ultimately your baby was fine. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

This!

Plumbear2 · 11/06/2023 22:32

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 22:08

What a load of crap, OP has been nothing but kind about her niece, and has said she loves her.

Show quote history

On here. But she hasn't told her niece directly by hugging her after the event and reassuring her that it wasn't her fault. She niece needs that interaction.

Snowtrails · 11/06/2023 22:32

Summerfun54321 · 11/06/2023 22:11

Also she was in a group scenario, there is no way I'd make an embarrassed 8 year old apologise in front of a whole group of people for something that was an accident. That is way more humiliating and damaging than a 7 month old taking a small tumble. It's absolutely not the scenario to make an example of a young child.

No, but children should be taught to say " sorry" when they make mistakes, which is what this was.

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 22:34

Plumbear2 · 11/06/2023 22:32

On here. But she hasn't told her niece directly by hugging her after the event and reassuring her that it wasn't her fault. She niece needs that interaction.

Show quote history

I think OP’s baby needed her mum more.