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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say enough is enough re flakey or late people

180 replies

arcticgreen · 11/06/2023 17:03

I was supposed to meet a friend of mine today at a cafe to pass her some snacks she had specifically requested me to get for her from overseas. We were supposed to meet at 2:30 pm (per her request) and I texted her at 2 to remind her of the meet alongside a message saying 'don't be late!' as she has form for it. She replied with 'relax 😂😂'. Is being habitually late funny?

I ended up waiting 40 minutes for her! To be fair I wasn't doing anything else today anyway but it still feels ridiculous having to wait for her every single time. She's not the only one like this.

Someone had a birthday party recently, notified everyone months in advance, made reservations at a cosy local restaurant (the kind that has a very, very limited number of seats so the restaurant was basically booked out by us) and only 5/16 turned up! Of the 11 that were absent, 6 were last minute to very last minute cancellations, with 3 not even bothering to notify anyone that they weren't going to show up!

I'm so sick of this. AIBU to slowly cut off contact with everyone like this? Or should I just 'relax 😂 😂' as today's friend put it?

OP posts:
longerspring · 11/06/2023 17:03

YANBU! Your time is precious.

KateyCuckoo · 11/06/2023 17:04

They don't care.

Precipice · 11/06/2023 17:05

Yeah, 40 mins is not on, on a habitual basis. It would be different if it were a one-off delay.

Cheeseandlobster · 11/06/2023 17:05

Yanbu being perpetually late or a no show is not quirky or cute. It's bloody rude. And YOU were doing your friend the favour too!

411sleeper · 11/06/2023 17:06

I have a friend who is incredibly flakey due to anxiety, sometimes she really struggles to follow through on plans. So there may be other stuff going on, but the examples you have given both stink. Did your friend text to let you know they were running late? Applogise? I would have left after 15 mins if this is a regular thing.

I think you need to enforce your own boundaries, e.g. not waiting longer than 'x' time and see if they make more of an effort to be your friend. If not the friendship will die on its own.

Ahsoka2001 · 11/06/2023 17:07

I suppose it depends how important these friends and socialising in general is to you personally. For me, my friends are very important and I couldn't cut off contact with them due to this (it might annoy me but I'd try talking to them and would probably need them to be inconsiderate in other ways for me to cut them). But I know other people are different and can live without friends (especially if they're more introverted anyway) or might have friends on "lower tiers" of friendship that they'd be more inclined to cut off if they have lots of other friends to depend on. I'd consider all this first

RicherThanYews · 11/06/2023 17:08

YANBU. An acquaintance of mine recently begged a colleague to be allowed to her husbands funeral although it was family only, my acquaintance says that they were very close (they only met once) to the deceased and the colleague was gracious enough to say yes OK. The acquaintance missed the funeral and was stood waiting outside the crematorium as the family left, he also thinks he is funny and quirky. He's just a prick who believes people should wait for him.

underneaththeash · 11/06/2023 17:08

Next time just wait 20 minutes and leave. She'll soon get the message

MMMarmite · 11/06/2023 17:08

I thought this was gonna be about me as I struggle with timekeeping, but 40 minutes late to a one-on-one meet up is ridiculous. Did you say anything to her about it?

SpareHeirOverThere · 11/06/2023 17:08

Yanbu. It's somewhere on the scale between thoughtless and outright contempt for you, and who needs people like that in your life?

This thread, like others before, may become flooded with people who have "legitimate" reasons that they cannot be on time, ever.

I'd give anyone a pass on very occasional lateness, but I'd expect them to notify me when it's obvious they will be late.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2023 17:09

Just leave. Every time.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/06/2023 17:09

YANBU. I flatly refuse to deal with habitually late or flakey people. Doesn't mean I wont talk or be friendly to them. I dont make excuses either, if meet up is suggested I just say No - youre always late. & leave it at that.

MmmmSandwiches · 11/06/2023 17:15

I've decided there is only one way to deal with persistent offenders - wait up to 5 mins and then leave. When the latecomer complains, say 'oh, I assumed you weren't coming! Afraid I have other plans now!' tinkly laugh

(I'd make anl exception it's occasional and understandable i.e someone sending a text to say 'I'm so sorry, stuck trying to find a parking space, will be there asap').

I always make the effort to be where I say I will be, when I've said I will be and I expect the same curtesy from others. I refuse to waste my time waiting anymore. YANBU at all, OP.

Original poster
arcticgreen · 11/06/2023 17:17

MMMarmite · 11/06/2023 17:08

I thought this was gonna be about me as I struggle with timekeeping, but 40 minutes late to a one-on-one meet up is ridiculous. Did you say anything to her about it?

There's no point saying anything to her about it because she thinks it's a joke or that it doesn't matter because we'd be sitting there for maybe 90 minutes anyway. We've known each other for more than a decade now and this is the one issue that annoys me more and more each time we meet!

OP posts:
NotSorry · 11/06/2023 17:19

She thinks it’s a joke because you wait for her. I’d not be buying her any more snacks and I certainly wouldn’t be putting myself out and waiting for her

BellaJuno · 11/06/2023 17:20

In the nicest possible way OP, stop being a mug. People can only treat you how you permit them too. You waited 40 minutes when you were doing her a favour in the first place by getting stuff for her which is crazy. I’d take a step back if this is typical behaviour.

LlynTegid · 11/06/2023 17:21

YABU to slowly cut off contact, it should be immediate and now.

JustDanceAddict · 11/06/2023 17:21

Definitely not on. Up to 15 mins late or with a very good excuse occasionally- fine. More than that, piss taker esp if you’re meeting out somewhere or have cooked a meal.

Womencanlift · 11/06/2023 17:22

As pp said, threads like this turn into a list of excuses from people who say they are time blind. But you can tell the difference between those people and the taking the piss people who really do think that making people wait for them is a fun thing to do

I have had people like this in my life who I have phased out because I got fed up waiting around for them all the time

Original poster
arcticgreen · 11/06/2023 17:22

411sleeper · 11/06/2023 17:06

I have a friend who is incredibly flakey due to anxiety, sometimes she really struggles to follow through on plans. So there may be other stuff going on, but the examples you have given both stink. Did your friend text to let you know they were running late? Applogise? I would have left after 15 mins if this is a regular thing.

I think you need to enforce your own boundaries, e.g. not waiting longer than 'x' time and see if they make more of an effort to be your friend. If not the friendship will die on its own.

Yes, she texted 'oops, still on my way 😂' at the 10 min late mark which is par for the course but the laughing emoji actually really pissed me off!

Must admit, I was very tempted to leave after that but having lugged a bag of snacks there (which she has already paid for) leaving would mean more work for me.

OP posts:
Sarvanga38 · 11/06/2023 17:24

Just leave when she’s 15 minutes late (and obviously don’t tell her, so she has a wasted journey).

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2023 17:25

Leave the bag at the cafe with the people there (tip well) and if it goes missing, [shrug]

Hannahsbananas · 11/06/2023 17:26

But why would she ever change when you sit there for 40 minutes waiting for her?
Have some respect for yourself and stop doing that.

Back21970 · 11/06/2023 17:30

I currently am slow fading a friend like this - just can’t be bothered anymore and having it out with them be pointless and not worth the stress.

Happening too often and they also seem to think it’s amusing 😂😂😂

Very rude when it’s a one to one meeting - if it was a few folk waiting for someone that’s a different story and I would be chilled but sitting on your own like a muppet for half an hour regularly is piss taking IMO.

concernedalot · 11/06/2023 17:40

I agree I hate this, it's a real disrespect of someone's time. I have a friend who I only see about once a year now as she's always late - i've decided it's something i've just got to put up with as she'll never change. But thought once a year it won't irk me too much.
I had another friend who had arranged for us to spend the day out at the beach and was due to arrive at mine around 10 to pick us up. 11 am no sign of her, 11.30, still no sign, my blood was starting to boil. I messaged her to see if she was okay and she had decided to change some flights for a holiday. Oh right! would have been nice to let me know.
My boss once arranged to take me out for lunch at a local restaurant - I turned up at agreed time, he still wasn't there 30 minutes later - I sat on my own for that time feeling really awkward, ended up getting up and walking out. He messaged me about half an hour after that asking where I was!! damned cheek (ex boss now I must say)
I accept sometimes people are late for different reasons but when it's a regular thing or that they don't message it's just downright disrepectful. If anyone reading this does this sort of thing please stop. There's nothing endearing about it at all, despite what you might think!