To say enough is enough re flakey or late people

[arcticgreen]

I was supposed to meet a friend of mine today at a cafe to pass her some snacks she had specifically requested me to get for her from overseas. We were supposed to meet at 2:30 pm (per her request) and I texted her at 2 to remind her of the meet alongside a message saying 'don't be late!' as she has form for it. She replied with 'relax 😂😂'. Is being habitually late funny?

I ended up waiting 40 minutes for her! To be fair I wasn't doing anything else today anyway but it still feels ridiculous having to wait for her every single time. She's not the only one like this.

Someone had a birthday party recently, notified everyone months in advance, made reservations at a cosy local restaurant (the kind that has a very, very limited number of seats so the restaurant was basically booked out by us) and only 5/16 turned up! Of the 11 that were absent, 6 were last minute to very last minute cancellations, with 3 not even bothering to notify anyone that they weren't going to show up!

I'm so sick of this. AIBU to slowly cut off contact with everyone like this? Or should I just 'relax 😂 😂' as today's friend put it?

That's a startling amount of ignorance about ADHD.

Wish there was a like button for this. Totally agree!

Why is It startling?

nobody knows everything.

If you have ADHD and care about a friend you will put strategies in place to be on time for them.

If you don't, you won't.

In any event, it doesn't sound like the OP's "friend" has ADHD, she just sounds like a user.

I think if you know your friends and family well you will know who is genuine and who is a piss taker.

Most examples that come up in these threads are more than likely CFs as in my experience, both on here and real life, those who are genuine will make it known and are trying

I would have thought that most people these days know that people with ADHD can't just "decide to not vacuum the lounge".

I do agree that it seems that most people with ADHD do make an effort to not put people out, and will try to put strategies in place. Most of the examples in here do seem to be people being deliberately late.

You'll get the usual self-diagnoses of things which are supposed to excuse this, OP, but no you're not BU - especially in light of the flippant text

The only thing you could perhaps have done differently is not to wait. I long ago gave up on doing this with such folk, and it's amazing the difference it made if the meet-up was something they wanted

I understand that when you or someone you love is affected by X, then you become informed about it, as it directly affects your life, it is important to you

But this doesn’t apply to the rest of the world.

Yes op people so flaky now. I dont arrange things now its not worth it. My friend isnt great time wise but has improved. Annoying, we the ones waiting on them though

I have one friend who tends to arrive late. I now arrange to meet eg 10 mins before theatre show starts. She arrives on time as she doesn't want to miss the show

Over time, I've let other friendships drift if people were flaky or often late. It's rude and disrespectful

There’s someone i know who was always late, flaky etc and used it as her personality.

I gave up on her in the end.

However, I was talking with a mutual friend who does have dealings with her. She said that she tells Mrs Flakey, You have to be ready for pick up, meet by x time, or I’m gone. Mutual friend sticks to her word. Said she did that when they were sharing a drive to the airport, and said she would have left her behind!

I was gobsmacked that you could do that. I’m not a forceful person.

So first don’t ever let yourself get in the situation where you get stuck and have to wait it out. So you could have left the snacks with a waitress, and if she didn’t get them, hard cheese. But better not to have arranged it in the first place, where you had to drag them with you. Perhaps you should have made her come to your home.

You have to play hardball. Some people only treat you better when you insist that you deserve better.

When you have anxiety it's very hard to leave home. It's like jumping from the clif - you need to force yourself to do that. Often in the last minute. If you are more afraid of consequences than the act of leaving home, then you will be on time. Just understand that simple, everyday life is a struggle for person with anxiety. Not to mention time blindness, chaotic home where you struggle to find your brush, clothes, keys, mobile (Autism/ADHD).... If you are lucky enough to not have these problems, don't judge and offer your friends a grace of accepting them as they are.

No, I am sorry, I have enough health conditions of my own to grapple with, and people to take care of. I deal with those on my own and don't make them my friends' problems. I don't have the energy to sit around waiting 40 minutes for friends to show. ( I do have friends with ADHD, but they never make me wait. It's always the others!)

10-15 minutes fine, grace period for people with young toddlers or in high stress jobs fine, Tube breakdowns at the last minute fine... But consistently keeping me waiting means I will just drop you or distance myself.

I have fairly crippling anxiety and OCD. Leaving home- esp on time- is a military operation.

However, I am never late for friends. I am if I just need to pop out to the shops or something on my own. Why? Because I put myself in the friend’s shoes and imagine how it’d affect my anxiety if I was waiting for someone who was late. Thinking about how it could have a knock on effect on my next plans etc.

Why did you wait though? You should have left at 2.31, waited for her to text asking where you were, and responded ‘relax 😂 😂.’

Of course you’ll get so many people on here insisting they can’t possibly be on time and a friend shouldn’t care and it doesn’t matter. And it might not matter to them. But to people like you (or me) it does matter and you don’t want to be waiting for people. So just don’t wait. Let them be late and don’t be there.

I struggle hugely with timekeeping and time-blindness, but I always try my best and feel really bad when I’m late. I’m improving a bit. I definitely don’t see it as a funny or cute personality trait.

No-showing and last second cancellations very rude though. I find it happens every time I put on a kids party.

Ps @user1478172746 I can see how autism, for instance, would have an impact. But I think most posters are not writing about their friend with autism. That would obviously be unfair. I’d say most are writing about their friend who is not neurodivergent and who can miraculously make it on time for things like a flight or a theatre show that they don’t want to miss. That’s very different.

I don't have a single person in my life like that for years, those that were, were quickly dispatched.

I don't care what acronym you are flying under, I wait for no one.

My husband is the exact same.

Good time keeping is respectful, and I have zero interest in bothering with anyone who isn't.

But the obvious answer to all those who cannot possibly be on time due to ADHD/anxiety/OCD/whatever is the one they don’t want to hear. If you have a disability that allows you to attend work and important events on time but prevents you from being capable of meeting friends on time, be honest. Say ‘no, I can’t meet at 12, because of my x condition I won’t be capable of arriving on time. If you want to meet, you could arrive at 12 and then wait for however long you want and see if/when I arrive. Or you could wait at home and I’ll call you when I’m there so we can meet.’

At least then you’re being honest and respecting the other person’s time. And they’re not waiting around having planned their day around meeting you at 12 when you can’t/won’t be there at that time.

I'm not making it to work on time. I wasn't making it to the university on time either.
I found a job where majority of the days I can just start when I get there. The minority I take from home or use "strategies", but I'm really not able to do it more often.

However, I'm not taking a piss. If we are meeting closer to friends place, we agree a rough timing and I confirm exact time once I am on my way. If we are meeting at my area, we agree something similar. If we meet far from both of us, we agree a place where being exactly on time doesn't matter that much.

I agree life is too short for people like that.

I find, as pp said, that latecomers are always furious if you are late yourself. I am never late but I was once because Google maps was not working and I was meeting someone late at night in an unfamiliar area. She is a chronic latecomer, but she acted as if I had turned up naked or something. And hasn't stopped talking about it a year later!

My sister in law is like this. We've sat waiting hours in pubs for her meeting halfway between our homes; I cooked a sunday lunch once and she turned up at 4pm thinking we'd said tea. I'd cooked a rib of beef and made her a sandwich from the leftovers. She held up a family funeral last year as she thought she'd read that the crematorium had moved... wtaf. That really didn't go down well.

She's a faffer. No other reason. She'll get out in the garden pondering what to start with and forget that she's meeting people. And her garden looks like the before in a TV gardening show so fuck knows what she gets doing.

I’ve had a lifetime of anxiety, ocd and depression and I manage to keep appointments and turn up on time. I had a friend who did this perpetually, despite knowing it would inconvenience me. When she turned up two hours late without letting me know, I decided that was the last time she was going to treat me like that.

I would have eaten the snacks while I was waiting