To say enough is enough re flakey or late people

[arcticgreen]

I was supposed to meet a friend of mine today at a cafe to pass her some snacks she had specifically requested me to get for her from overseas. We were supposed to meet at 2:30 pm (per her request) and I texted her at 2 to remind her of the meet alongside a message saying 'don't be late!' as she has form for it. She replied with 'relax 😂😂'. Is being habitually late funny?

I ended up waiting 40 minutes for her! To be fair I wasn't doing anything else today anyway but it still feels ridiculous having to wait for her every single time. She's not the only one like this.

Someone had a birthday party recently, notified everyone months in advance, made reservations at a cosy local restaurant (the kind that has a very, very limited number of seats so the restaurant was basically booked out by us) and only 5/16 turned up! Of the 11 that were absent, 6 were last minute to very last minute cancellations, with 3 not even bothering to notify anyone that they weren't going to show up!

I'm so sick of this. AIBU to slowly cut off contact with everyone like this? Or should I just 'relax 😂 😂' as today's friend put it?

I went home the other day when a friend was 30 minutes late. I won't put up with it any more. It caused a right shit storm but I simply don't care.

YANBU! I can’t stand tardiness. It’s rude and childish when it’s constant.

My husband has a friend like this. He turned up over one hour late - for no particular reason/excuse as always - for a coffee recently, despite my husband saying he had plans with me afterwards which he couldn’t delay. He could have pushed them a little, truth be told. He also knew he had form for this so pre-empted it. My husband spent 10 minutes with him (after his friend had made the journey - maybe 20 mins away on the metro) and said, “Sorry, I did say I’ve got plans.” And then he left, refusing to be late for his next plans with me. I took my hat off to him.

But maybe I’m not a very good judge and I’m a bit grumpy as I know people like this (who are always late) who also send long voice notes - which I hate receiving. It’s like they really put their own time before your own. Maybe I’m being unreasonable about that though…

I despise lateness in all forms. Its so disrespectful of other peoples time. If I'm told someone will be late, then fine mostly

You'll get a ton of posters with various reasons (ADHD, anxiety, one more thing before I leave, time blind, just part of my personality, quirk, think they are cute) but none of them excuse leaving someone else waiting around on their pleasure.

I cannot abide lateness.

Yes always loads pile onto these threads with their 'struggle with timekeeping' bullshit. It's a complete load of bollocks exacerbated by mobile phones where you can text you're running a 'hilarious' 40 mins late (look at me, I'm so boho).

Plus of course the brigade who use anxiety as an excuse. Yes you may have anxiety or other issues but it's still shit for the person waiting and in the end, we give up on those friendships. That's a truth.

Mostly it's people who don't give a fucking monkeys about your time. Woe betide you be late meeting them though. That is unacceptable and they let you know too.

I expect all the kooky late arrivals make to work on time. Yes thought so.

What irritates me is that they CAN actually be on time if it’s with someone they deem important. But not for someone who were giving them something they asked for… 🙄

And as for the “Oops” response to not being on time, when you leave the cafe or whatever before she arrives next time, and texts asking where you are, reply, “Sorry I had to go to my next plans. Oh, I didn’t tell you about them (to make sure you got here on time like a child)? Oops.”

Very annoying, OP.

Yanbu x

It's not 'like' they value their own time more @Hols8 it's that they actually do value their own time more.

Good for your DH.

@arcticgreen My best advice is to phase them out. Don’t run errands for her. Say you do not have time to see her. Be hard to get! Do not hang around for her. Say you cannot stay beyond X time so, to make the most of your time together, can we agree to meet at (11) and no later? Say you are pushed for time even if you are not! Then monitor what happens.

With others not turning up: do not invite them. Choose your friends wisely. Keep the good ones and distance yourself from the flaky ones.

Next time you arrange to meet her, turn up around an hour late.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Regular lateness disrespects you and your time, regardless of the reason. I had those friendship as well and found myself constantly on the edge wondering how long I will be made to wait or whether I'll receive a very last minute cancellation. I let one of those friendships fizzle out as it wasn't enjoyable for me and with the other..we just fell out because this friend couldn't see why I didn't want to hang around waiting every time - they literally thought that because they have issues keeping on top of things I should just accept their way of being. I couldn't.

I think people being late frequently don't understand how it affects others. It doesn't happen to them after all. Many think they are victim of higher forces and can't help being late.

‘Oops, I’ve just left 😂’ every single time…

I would have left after 20 min. Once in car I'd have sent a text "sorry couldn't wait any longer, feel free to collect snacks from mine"

Party one is awful. I hate slack people.

With people like your friend I just meet up with them for things where it doesn't matter if they are late - like a museum or art gallery where I can start looking around and they can join later - or meet up as a group where the group will start shopping, or eating and they can join later and miss out on some shops or a course of a meal.

I’d tend to agree. It can get so annoying when the lateness and flakiness turns into an habitual thing.

I’ve got a friend a bit like that, and there was a flakiness incident lately that’s had me seriously reconsidering how much effort I should be putting into the friendship.

It’s not just the flakiness and the consistent lateness, but also the way that she doesn’t seem to give a damn about whether it’s inconveniencing me or anyone else. It’s like she thinks it’s an acceptable and amusing character trait that everyone else should just be happy to put up with.

I blame texting and other forms of not having to speak to people! I definitely think people are more disrespectful and flakier than even 15 years ago !
I have absolutely no patience for lateness or last minute cancellation unless it is an emergency…cannot be arrested with people like that these days.

*Arsed

It’s incredibly rude and disrespectful and I for one wouldn’t still be waiting after 40 minutes, particularly if doing someone a favour. If the friend genuinely has redeeming features, I’d tell her firmly that being disrespectful is not a laughing matter and that next time you won’t wait.

Give her a time but arrive an hour later. She can see how amusing it is for herself.

Don't shoot the messenger but I listened to the Chimp Paradox recently, and he has an interesting theory on this.

People are allowed to be late - it's their choice and if you don't like it then you also have a choice.

I'm not sure what I think as I'm sometimes late for friends, and they are late for me.

Unfortunately she will just see this as permission to be late(r) forevermore! I love this friend — we've had so many good memories over the years — but I think she sees tardiness as a personality quirk, part of her whole 'go with the flow' thing. Don't know if I'm getting older or what but I'm not as 'chill' about sitting around for 30 mins to an hour or more anymore.

I’m wondering, with my tardy friend, whether the way to go is to only meet up at her house or mine.

So I’m not in a position where I’m left sitting around in a cafe or other public place for goodness only knows how long.

I have no patience. I have a friend who does this. Every time, five mins before we're due to meet, she will text and say running late, just leaving

Why not tell me 30 mins ago when you we're supposed to leave home? Now I'm here on my own at pizzabloodyexpress

I will wait 10 minutes. Then I leave. If the later person contacts me to tell me they're running late I'll wait but only if they can be arsed to contact me. We all have mobiles. It's so rude.

Next time you meet her and the plan is to meet at 2:30, don't show up til at least 3pm

It's fucking rude can't stand it.