To say enough is enough re flakey or late people

[arcticgreen]

I was supposed to meet a friend of mine today at a cafe to pass her some snacks she had specifically requested me to get for her from overseas. We were supposed to meet at 2:30 pm (per her request) and I texted her at 2 to remind her of the meet alongside a message saying 'don't be late!' as she has form for it. She replied with 'relax 😂😂'. Is being habitually late funny?

I ended up waiting 40 minutes for her! To be fair I wasn't doing anything else today anyway but it still feels ridiculous having to wait for her every single time. She's not the only one like this.

Someone had a birthday party recently, notified everyone months in advance, made reservations at a cosy local restaurant (the kind that has a very, very limited number of seats so the restaurant was basically booked out by us) and only 5/16 turned up! Of the 11 that were absent, 6 were last minute to very last minute cancellations, with 3 not even bothering to notify anyone that they weren't going to show up!

I'm so sick of this. AIBU to slowly cut off contact with everyone like this? Or should I just 'relax 😂 😂' as today's friend put it?

And that’s totally reasonable and considerate. So why can’t other people in the same position do that?

I'm ADHD/autistic with sometimes crippling social anxiety.

I set series of alarms, pack bags the night before (or in the middle of the night if I realise I forgot), lay out clothes the night before to avoid decision paralysis, leave a note on the front door if I need to remember to take something. I tend to be early as a result, so every bag has permanent kids' quiet entertainment plus a book for me. And if I'm late I apologise!! And give an updated ETA as soon as I know!

There's stuff you can do. There really is.

And when you have anxiety it is awful to be left waiting. Can make you physically ill

it works both ways.

TBH as someone who is habitually late, I am embarrassed by it, but it is anxiety and a decent amount of trying to fit so much in. But I'm working on it...and very open about the fact that I struggle with my time keeping.

I either have to have an hour extra to make it on time, or I'm 10 minutes late and stressed when I do arrive.

I think that 40 minutes is bad, and I think without them saying, I'm sorry, I'm working on it, and actually doing so would be enough to make me say, actually. No. I'll meet at x time, I'll gi e you a grace period of 5 minutes, after that, I leave.

As I've got better recently with time keeping. My friend is an early person, so when I see her just out of her car, and I'm parking, I'll open my window and say the time. "ITS 12!!! IM HERE! IM ON TIME!" and we laugh about it because she knows I've tried really hard to make it on time.

I'd tell her to get there 30 minutes before it suits you, so your in fact 30 minutes late for her. She wouldn't even know! Only meet in places you need to be and be ptepaired to start leaving when she is pisstakingly late.

I had a flakey friend who always insisted she wanted to meet buy never turned.

I have another friend I regularly meet during the day but she cancels most evenings plans. If we make evening plans I just say "yes that sounds lively" then forget about it unless she chases me. So it's given very head space and I'm not disappointed

However, I was talking with a mutual friend who does have dealings with her. She said that she tells Mrs Flakey, You have to be ready for pick up, meet by x time, or I’m gone. Mutual friend sticks to her word. Said she did that when they were sharing a drive to the airport, and said she would have left her behind

My mum did that. She was fed up with her neighbour never being ready when they go out together or when she's said she will give her neighbour a lift to the train! So she said "I am leaving at 10 with or without you". Neighbour didn't come on time, so mum went out. Later neighbour said "I came round at 10.45 and you weren't there". Mum said "I said 10". Neighbour hasn't been late since.

I would find the cafe person mildly annoying but the birthday people different level rude. How can you do that to someone on their birthday when all you had to do was text RSVP sorry I can't make it?!!

I struggle to believe that the sort of people respond to “don’t be late” with a jokey “relax 😂😂”, are the same as the people with anxiety problems so severe that they have genuine issues getting places on time.

Are you saying the nurse friend was wrong to be 20mins late?

I had a "friend" like this too. I started gradually phasing her out after a while and now no longer see her.

My time is important to me and I find habitual lateness is not a personality trait I can put up with in a friend.

What did you say to your smirking friend, and how did they respond?

I refuse to put up with such shit. I just don't tolerate it.

Yes, where is the 'grace of accepting them as they are' when it applies to the person being messed around?

I have MH conditions which I have struggled with throughout my adult years. They wax and wane but never disappear. I won't wait longer than 15 minutes for someone who isn't bothered about my time, because sitting on my own makes me feel increasingly worried and paranoid. I've jumped through multiple organisational hoops of my own to feel able to leave the house. Why is it OK for me to feel like shit but not the late person?

Given the page in which it was posted, I read it as "Why is so hard for people to send the message as soon as they can and apologize".

Yep. I have diagnosed anxiety and ADHD. I am rarely late, if I am it's usually because of traffic. The anxiety of waiting for someone is far worse than the anxiety of leaving the house.

These sort of things affect people differently but expecting people to hang around waiting until God knows when because of your reasons whilst ignoring their reasons is pretty shitty.

you're way too nice! You've done her a favour it's up to her to arrange getting the stuff off you, I would have made her come to my house to get them. If she tried the whole 'can't give a time' I'd just say 'Well I'll be home at 5pm on Tuesday (or whenever is good for you when you'll be at home anyway) pop round then if you want them but I'm going out at 6pm.' Then just do whatever you'd be doing, if after the stated time you have to leave the house/don't hear her because you're having a shower or whatever, tough luck she'll have to come round again.

With the birthday friends I'd feel so bad for the birthday girl. If it was me I a) wouldn't invite them again, and b) would make sure I said, if they asked next time I saw them 'did you have a nice birthday,' 'not really, everyone dropped out last minute and it was really embarrassing and awkward.'

I've started being so much stricter with this type of thing - I had a big group of friends before covid and trying to organise anything was an absolute nightmare because nobody was ever free at the same time and you feel bad leaving someone out. But since covid the same people have been so flaky, dropping out last minute when we specifically arranged something around the date they said they could make, we've given up. There are about 4/5 of us who always make the effort, so now we either just go ourselves, or arrange a time we can all meet and then put it to the wider group as a 'we are going to x on y, let me know if you want to come.' It's a pity because when we all do get together we have a great time, and the ones who are left out are now moaning about being excluded, but they only have themselves to blame!

Must admit, I was very tempted to leave after that but having lugged a bag of snacks there (which she has already paid for) leaving would mean more work for me.

Why would it mean more work for you. She can come and collect them from you. And don't sit around editing. If she's late, go out and leave a message telling her where you have left them. Just don't be available. Add 😂😂😂to all your messages

Waiting not editing. But to answer your question. Yes. Enough is enough

I can't talk for the others, but it took me some time to learn how to do this. And, I'm afraid my sister and my partner had to do some waiting during the process; their feedback, support and suggestions helped me to formulate this approach. So maybe other strugglers had more severe problem or less support...

It doesn't help, that many early people are kind of anxious as well, just in different way. When someone criticised my near success (5minutes late) based on them waiting them for 20 minutes already, I sometimes felt like wtf, I'm not the one causing the problem here.
Another unhelpful response I got was "can't we just agree a specific time and be there on time?".

The funny part is, that just having this kind of agreement reduces my lateness very significantly.

--
On the other hand, sending me messages like "don't be late" wouldn't help at all. The late person doesn't plan to be late and doesn't think they will be late, as there is still planty of time to...

Omg I barely have enough time to support my own family; let alone support other people's issues . I am going to continue saying " Don't be late" for things like theatre performances or movies which begin on time. If people don't like it, they can drop out. Fine by me.

Yeah, I get told "don't be early!" If I'm not coming to your house, I'll get there as early as I like! I take a book with me most places as I know I'll likely be early. I'm happy to wait in the period that I'm early, doesn't mean I have to stand around waiting for you be late. Grr!

I am usually early. So I have my earphones or my Kindle. Absolutely nothing wrong with being early.

YANBU and I did end a friendship over this once. We used to meet up in the evenings all the time and she was always late - like over 30 minutes late every time. It never bothered me. Then we went a year or so without meeting for one reason or another then when we arranged to meet up again, she was 40 minutes late. For some reason it really got to me that time and I didn't see her again after that. She was another who thought it was quirky.

I also knew someone who left uni without her degree because she couldn't be on time for anything - lectures, handing in assignments etc.

I just don't understand people who are always late, by quite a margin too. I don't understand what is so difficult about it. They prioritise things like putting makeup on over meeting someone on time. Maybe I need to work on being more empathetic

Some people are a bit time-blind, but the "relax" with laughing emojis is incredibly rude. It's as if she's saying: how dare you expect her to arrive at the time she said she would. Of course she thinks YOU should relax because it's not HER time being wasted. Maybe make a new rule that you'll wait no more than 15 to 20 min. After that, text her to say, "I left because you were more than 20 min late. Guess we'll catch up some other time."

Don't buy her snacks any more. It will put you in the position of having to wait for her or else "steal" the snacks she paid for. Annoying.

I was explaining this to younger colleagues the other day… that “in the olden days” aka late 90’s/early 2000’s you would make plans with someone and then you both showed up… unless someone got run over by a bus.

There just wasn’t the same flakiness that is prevalent today. It’s so easy to get distracted nowadays, get a better offer, cancel at the very last minute by text. You just couldn’t do that so easily/quickly years ago.

I don’t like modern technology!! It hasn’t improved social interactions.