To say enough is enough re flakey or late people

[arcticgreen]

I was supposed to meet a friend of mine today at a cafe to pass her some snacks she had specifically requested me to get for her from overseas. We were supposed to meet at 2:30 pm (per her request) and I texted her at 2 to remind her of the meet alongside a message saying 'don't be late!' as she has form for it. She replied with 'relax 😂😂'. Is being habitually late funny?

I ended up waiting 40 minutes for her! To be fair I wasn't doing anything else today anyway but it still feels ridiculous having to wait for her every single time. She's not the only one like this.

Someone had a birthday party recently, notified everyone months in advance, made reservations at a cosy local restaurant (the kind that has a very, very limited number of seats so the restaurant was basically booked out by us) and only 5/16 turned up! Of the 11 that were absent, 6 were last minute to very last minute cancellations, with 3 not even bothering to notify anyone that they weren't going to show up!

I'm so sick of this. AIBU to slowly cut off contact with everyone like this? Or should I just 'relax 😂 😂' as today's friend put it?

This. Get togethers with babies or toddlers were always somewhere where either person wouldn't mind waiting around, because the time you are in a hurry is the time the breast fed baby suddenly demands a feed and then does a poonami in the middle of the feed. All my meet ups were in playgrounds during that phase of my life!

I'm having the same issue with a man who does some gardening for me. He was supposed to ring me last Sunday to arrange a time/if it could still go ahead for the next day. He rang at 1.30pm the following day, said I was out with a friend and could be back by 2.30pm. As I had to collect an urgent prescription at pharmacy. I got to the pharmacy at 2.15pm but there were 6 people in the queue so knew I could only wait 10 mins. I managed to get served and was getting stressed but managed to get back by 2.30pm he turned up late again at 2.55pm. Beginning to feel I can't be arsed as its a regular occurrence.
My son was his boss, he'd sometimes be 2 hours late! My son spoke to him about it a couple of times. Funnily enough same reasons he gives to me!!

I know someone like this who is pathologically late always with friends except that he works in the airline industry and has never missed a flight..

If someone’s genuinely incapable of being on time for whatever reason, then the only reasonable thing to do is be honest about it when planning meet-ups so that other people know what to expect.

Must admit, I was very tempted to leave after that but having lugged a bag of snacks there (which she has already paid for) leaving would mean more work for me.

Nevertheless, leaving is what I would have done (just how large was this bag of snacks??). And then I’d sit at home on the couch and break open the bag of snacks.

If feeling particularly put out, you could send her a photo of the empty packet afterwards, complete with with 🤣🤣🤣 okay, maybe don’t do that.

You do seem very passive about the situation though, which means it’ll never change.

no way would I wait that long. She is playing you for a fool.

im another one with anxiety about being late.

in 35 years of using public transport to get to work, I was never late once.

A friend was once 20 minutes late. He text me to tell me this. He turns up, apologised and explained that due to the nature of his job, (he's s nurse) he can't just look at his watch, see it's 5pm and leave.

I don't understand why that's so hard for people?

God I hate this so much. It’s so rude. Even more infuriating is that my most flakey friend (with whom I no longer make arrangements tbh) will start texting if it’s a plan that she has organised. She’ll also (understandably) need confirmation of numbers etc for some bigger plans, which I always give and uphold.

When I ask for the same from her when it’s me, radio silence… or, numbers will be confirmed, but then someone will drop out or be added in, which I won’t know until they arrive.

It’s absolutely INFURIATING!

I have 4 young children and it can mess up the whole routine. But of course, I’m just a psycho and uptight 🙄🙄🙄

I have relatives who work in hospitals, and sometimes they’re late leaving work because there’s been an emergency situation with a patient that’s had to be dealt with before they can go.

So I can believe that - if the scheduled meet-up is straight after work - that a nurse, or doctor might be late for reasons that they can’t control.

Although if you’d arranged to meet on a day when the nurse is off duty, the whole “I’m late because I’m a nurse” argument would be completely unbelievable.

Depends if there's a good reason for lateness.

With this friend, you could for example have said 'I've got you those snacks, I'll be home Tuesday evening if you want to pick them up. Tell me before leaving so I can make sure I'm in.'

That's on your terms and doesn't leave you sitting around like a lemon. I wouldn't be making an effort to get snacks for this friend again though.

With other flakey friends, organise eg a meet up of friends where you know some will definitely come, ask the flakey ones to come too if they want. But don't put yourself in a position where you're dependent on them like having to fill a restaurant table. 'It's my birthday, I'll be at this pub from 7 on Friday' eg then nothing is dependent on them coming

Basically, if people are unreliable then don't rely on them! If you feel disrespected then don't put effort into that relationship.

I wouldn’t make plans with her again OP. She is treating you like dirt. I know you value her and your shared history but it takes 2 people to put in effort to sustain a friendship

If one person blames anxiety for being late, and the other person blames anxiety for not coping with lateness?

Who 'wins'?

It is rude, and using anxiety is no excuse

Sure things happen to make someone unexpectedly late that is understandable, but constantly is rude

She probably wouldn't wait though. I've found that. I am usually always early or on time (or at most 5 mins late). But on the very rare occasion that I have been late for something people have started without me/DH. It's like other people are allowed to be late but we're not!

Well obviously that sort of scenario is ok. That's not what we're talking about - we are talking about people who can be on time but choose not to be.

Ah well then you get MNers saying "well of course I can manage for work but it is such a stress doing it for friends and they should be more understanding". No, get an alarm clock and when it goes off, leave the house and don't decide to vacuum the lounge.

Wise after the event, I know, but how about one of these texts as a reply:
"Oh dear, parking will run out soon, I've left your snacks behind the counter" Plus, as PP suggested, a tip for the staff.
Or, "Sorry, can't stay longer. I'll keep your snacks safe at home until you can come round to mine."

How old are you OP? I'm imagining you might be mid-late 20s and this is someone you went to school with?

There's a point where work and family and hobbies etc mean people get busier and the laidback approach that works for students won't cut it anymore. Maybe you've reached that point?

If she doesn't wait for you though, that tells you all you need to know about how she views and values the friendship.

Move on from people who do not respect your time. How rude to tell you to relax. That type of person would never change. Selfish and unreliable.

This is exactly what I do.

This

I've got a friend like this. Last time, I turned up on time, ordered my food and drink as usual. Ate it... She turned up an hour late just as I was leaving. She was clearly furious that I'd sat down and eaten without her, rather than just sitting there like a plum 🤣

You keep pandering to her, so she carries on doing it.

Tell her a time, wait 15 minutes, then leave if she's not there. Don't bother messaging. When she texts to ask where you are, tell her you had to leave as you have other plans and didn't feel like sitting about waiting for her to decide to turn up. If she moans then point out if she'd been on time it wouldn't have been a problem.

She's only taking the piss because you're letting her.

I had a friend who told me they were planning to visit for lunch on a certain day. I cleaned, shopped, and cooked. They didn't turn up and there was no explanation.

The next time they arranged to go to an event with DH and the DC. As we were driving there they phoned to tell me they couldn't make it as they had to go for an exam in a different town.

There's flakey, and there is down right ridiculous. Fortunately they ghosted me shortly afterwards so I never had to have it out with them.