I spent the petrol money on food

[WellNoprawnsleftthen]

So now I’m the wicked stepmother

SD’s are 13 and 15. Here EOW. This weekend the plan was dh taking them out yesterday then eating out. Today DH was taking them early for an activity they wanted to do and this afternoon a family bbq.

Yesterday morning I did the food shop for the bbq.

Got up this morning to find they had eaten about 75% of the food , were talking a massive box of strawberries, big pack of mango and pineapple , pack of meringues and ice cream. Crisps, Prawns, sausage rolls, half of a pasta salad, cheeses, deli meats and cooked the bread and had that. After having a meal out ?

Apparently they were hungry. We’re on a tight budget so I have used the money set aside today for petrol mostly (plus some for drinks snacks etc) and replaced it all. I’ve now gone out in the car for a coffee and to get away and will go back soon just before my family get there.

Im now the evil stepmother. I told DH get an Uber and use your own money if you still want to go out as I’m furious he didn’t back me up at all just said ‘well they are teenagers ! But I had SAID to everyone what fod was for today and there were other snacks available (full fruit bowl, yogurts, cereal bars etc)

I knew teenage girls who got that hungry during puberty.

Regardless they shouldn't have eaten food brought for a party when other food was available.

The OP has a husband problem shown even more when he was unwilling to use a taxi to get his teens to their activity.

It shouldn’t matter if there’s enough money to buy the food 10x over, they done the wrong thing and there needed to be consequences. Their father obviously wasn’t going to give them and was quite happy to pass the extra work and expense to his wife. What she did, including keeping the car out, was the least possible consequences they could expect. It’s a lack of respect and boundaries

I think you're getting a hard time OP and I agree with this .

I have teenagers, my friends have teenagers my brothers and sisters have teenagers... I have never known any of them to have behaved liked this .

They knew what they were doing ... and your response is quite right . Why should you diplomatic about this ? They need to see that their behaviour affects others deeply.

Your DH is a big part of the problem ... he expected you to laugh along with him and he doesn't like seeing his children's poor behaviour being reflected back to him so
Is trying to make out you're the bad guy because they didn't go to their activity.

Do they have form for late night eating?

This really is a huge late night binge and I'd be concerned about an eating disorder.

As others have said, I think you handled the situation well. They showed a lack of respect and also inconvenienced you. I don't think taking the car was a dick move, nor stopping for a coffee. Your DSD's are learning that actions have consequences. Your DH has is also learning actions have consequences and that he needs to parent his children. As for why couldn't you make do with what you had left? Why should you?

YABU.

You talk about teaching a lesson, but what sort of lesson did they learn when you just went out and re-bought everything for the BBQ?

There was no need to do that. Just BBQ what was left and serve it with fruit and stuff from their shelf that they could have eaten.

Or tell your DH to pick up some extra food on the way back from the activity.

Your actions were rather petty and childish.

Totally reasonable of you. And yes I'd consider this bad behaviour - hungry or not if you've been told certain food is for a particular time, it's incredibly rude to just eat it anyway. You had to do a whole extra trip to the shop because of that, so it is appropriate that they miss their day out.

The BBQ isn't just for them, she has guests coming.

Why would it teach them more of a lesson to have had a stripped back BBQ rather than have to miss out on something for putting OP out?

I agree with this, think you did the right thing.

Exactly how many people will be at this BBQ, besides OP, her H & the 2 DSC.

There are so many levels of things I don't understand here.

I told DH get an Uber and use your own money ... We have a joint account

H = married so there is no my & your money, it's shared.

We’re on a tight budget so

So tight that they take the girls for meals at Nandos, drive rather than walk to get some time away from each other & the coffee, OP expects him to use 'his' money to get an Uber, and she bought a coffee out of home. And host BBQs presumably for more than just 4 household members. That tight a budget. 😕

They inconvenienced me so I’ve inconvenienced them

Why not have the 'D'H use car so he could go to shops to get the replacement BBQ food, cheaper than an Uber, I should think. Why did OP have to feel inconvenienced.

They inconvenienced me so I inconvenienced them.
Grow up.

Because she said he would likely go on with the trip with the teenagers rather than do this and she didn’t want to take the chance. Not difficult to see where the teenagers get their lack of respect for her from.

Yep I think this is what they anticipated too which is probably why OP reacted the way she did. I hope it teaches them all a bloody lesson. Utterly utterly selfish. And teenagers don't need a pass for being greedy. Me and my siblings were teenagers once, we didn't eat like pigs. If anyway thing we learnt to share. And our parents would have gone ballistic if we even touched food that was meant for guests. Just because she's a step mum doesn't mean she don't like the kids. In fact they're they're lucky she didn't go ballistic at them. Just because she's step mum doesn't mean she shouldn't be respected like the mother either. They defied her and he shrugged his bloody shoulders. Taking the piss much.

Also she said they are on a budget. A budget doesn’t mean they can’t afford anything other than bread and water, it’s means they budget for things they want ie bbqs and eating out. The money is secondary to the lack of respect though I think. Not to mention inconvenience.

The BBQ is not just for OP, husband and stepdaughters, it is a family event, involving wider family. Why should the wider family go without the nice stuff OP had bought for the BBQ? Or maybe you think OP should have announced 'sorry about the short rations folks, X and Y decided to eat it all last night despite being told not to!'.

"Or tell your DH to pick up some extra food on the way back from the activity."
I wouldn't have trusted him to do that, given his attitude.

Some people infantilise teens today. They're fully capable of understanding rules and respecting reasonable requests. If they're hungry, they can eat the allowed snacks and should know better than to eat something special that's being saved for a later date. Hunger isn't an excuse when there are other things available to eat.

I would have been incandescent about that if they had definitely specifically been told what food was for the BBQ. Honestly serves them right missing their activity. Would likely have done what you have done and been the evil mother.

I mean this is just another way of describing normal consequence based parenting. So the idea is that they will!

Can't say i've heard of anyone going to eat a meal at nandos (which is pretty filling) for dinner only to go back home and eat 75% of food for a family bbq, assuming you bought a lot and are not exaggerating, and i ate at Nandos plenty as a teen.

Good luck with the family bbq... sounds like it will be a jolly time.

Has anyone said "you knew he had children when you married him" yet?

YANBU. Actions come with consequences. If you choose to do something selfish, you can't complain about the result of that not suiting you.

Tit for tat is the only thing some people understand, especially if they're too selfish to care unless they're personally affected. If they'd had no negative consequences at all, they'd not have learned anything. Their father does nothing but make feeble excuses for them, so... eh, whatever. Maybe now they'll think twice and respect OP's requests. Missing an activity isn't the end of the world, and after stuffing themselves silly the night before, perhaps they could do with some downtime.

She has the bbq and tells her guests that sorry but the DSC decided to eat all the food even though they knew it was for them. In front of the DSC so they feel bad.

He just shrugged it off as teenagers eating a lot and offered no solution so I just said I was going to go and do a replacement shop and he needed to make alternative arrangements if they were still going out

He seems to expect that you'll sort everything out. I"m glad you didn't.

So she should have walked? You're kidding.

İ'd also make them last in the queue this afternoon to make sure they don't fill up their plates with all the replaced nice sides and leave none for anyone else....