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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I spent the petrol money on food

374 replies

WellNoprawnsleftthen · 11/06/2023 11:41

So now I’m the wicked stepmother

SD’s are 13 and 15. Here EOW. This weekend the plan was dh taking them out yesterday then eating out. Today DH was taking them early for an activity they wanted to do and this afternoon a family bbq.

Yesterday morning I did the food shop for the bbq.

Got up this morning to find they had eaten about 75% of the food , were talking a massive box of strawberries, big pack of mango and pineapple , pack of meringues and ice cream. Crisps, Prawns, sausage rolls, half of a pasta salad, cheeses, deli meats and cooked the bread and had that. After having a meal out ?

Apparently they were hungry. We’re on a tight budget so I have used the money set aside today for petrol mostly (plus some for drinks snacks etc) and replaced it all. I’ve now gone out in the car for a coffee and to get away and will go back soon just before my family get there.

Im now the evil stepmother. I told DH get an Uber and use your own money if you still want to go out as I’m furious he didn’t back me up at all just said ‘well they are teenagers ! But I had SAID to everyone what fod was for today and there were other snacks available (full fruit bowl, yogurts, cereal bars etc)

OP posts:
Floatlikeafeather · 11/06/2023 16:58

PuffinsRocks · 11/06/2023 14:05

YABU I would have cancelled the BBQ and told everyone that it was because the teens ate the food. What you did was passive aggressive and a bit childish. You need to budget better as a couple though. He shouldn't have been swanning off going out to Nandos if you were that close to zero in your account that you've got to choose between food and petrol, and you shouldn't be having a BBQ with lots of expensive sides when you're that broke either. And in no universe is an Uber a cost effective alternative to getting fuel.

Who are you to tell people what they are or are not allowed to spend their money on, whether their budget is big or small? That isn't what this post was about. It was about how to deal with bad behaviour and the OP's anger and distress at being seen as the villain. She was looking for support, not a lecture in household economy.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 11/06/2023 16:58

Oh my GOD. He ate it and didn't tell you, then blamed them? That's shocking.

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 17:06

Be glad you haven't had children with this arse.

He sounds so awful.

A mean selfish tantrumming liar who blames his children.

EOW is more than enough of him in his childrens lives.

Total loser.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/06/2023 17:15

He’s a prick

MrsJBaptiste · 11/06/2023 17:40

They are teenagers who were hungry and fancied a snack
Teenagers eat loads!
This is just what teenagers are like

I'm so tired of hearing comments like this. No, teenagers are not all like this and I have two teenage boys (16 and 18) so believe me, I know.

Yes, they eat a lot but have big portions/3 proper meals a day/take themselves off to McDonald's... they don't all raid food in the fridge that has cleary been bought for a bbq they knew was taking place the following day. That's just rude and neither my two or the teenagers of any of my friends are like that.

Greedy? YES. Disgustingly rude? NO.

Mirabai · 11/06/2023 17:44

Are they obese? How is it possible to eat that much on top of a meal out?

AscensionToCheese · 11/06/2023 17:53

Mirabai · 11/06/2023 17:44

Are they obese? How is it possible to eat that much on top of a meal out?

RTFT it was DH

Feraldogmum · 11/06/2023 17:54

The reason society is going to hell is liberal parenting. Kids need to know there are consequences for actions and selfish,irresponsible kids continue to be selfish,irresponsible adults if their parents indulge their negative behaviour, rather than punish it.
Clearly a lot of angry exs that hate their former partners new partners. Folk should remember that you reap what you sow and if you let your kids behave badly towards others,don’t be surprised when you are similarly rewarded with bad behaviour.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/06/2023 18:01

How greedy!!
no wonder there is such an obesity problem

Screwballs · 11/06/2023 18:01

My DSSs wouldn't dream of doing this. This is greed, and lack of fucks, pure and simple. Just the sheer amount they ate is weird, a whole dessert that serves, presumably up to 10, between 3? After all the rest of it? After a full dinner at Nandos? That is greed. I actually asked DP how he'd feel and we just laughed, because it's so far removed from what we know ours would do. This isn't normal at all. The boys (15 and 11) always ask for any food. Which we insist because we may be having early dinner, or going out, so don't want them filling up on crisps etc. They keep Easter eggs, Christmas chocolate etc in their room which is for them to eat but they still ask to have some of it. So no, this isn't normal, your partner is the issue here for excusing the behaviour.

HMMOG · 11/06/2023 18:22

The boys (15 and 11) always ask for any food

To be fair, it sounds like the girls may have asked too- they just asked their useless dad.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 11/06/2023 18:31

Screwballs · 11/06/2023 18:01

My DSSs wouldn't dream of doing this. This is greed, and lack of fucks, pure and simple. Just the sheer amount they ate is weird, a whole dessert that serves, presumably up to 10, between 3? After all the rest of it? After a full dinner at Nandos? That is greed. I actually asked DP how he'd feel and we just laughed, because it's so far removed from what we know ours would do. This isn't normal at all. The boys (15 and 11) always ask for any food. Which we insist because we may be having early dinner, or going out, so don't want them filling up on crisps etc. They keep Easter eggs, Christmas chocolate etc in their room which is for them to eat but they still ask to have some of it. So no, this isn't normal, your partner is the issue here for excusing the behaviour.

You make your 15 year old ask to have some of his own Easter egg?

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 11/06/2023 18:37

Reading the updates I'd honestly have to consider continuing a relationship with someone like your H.

It's one thing to be a weekend Disney Dad too scared to discipline his children but to lie about his involvement in incident and blame his children alone AND then punish them by not taking them to their activity because he'd have to spend his 'fun' money AND then to go in a strop with you after being caught and held to account is truly despicable behaviour.

I hope that he has some redeeming qualities because from what I've read so far you have lumbered yourself with a weak, pathetic, ballless, selfish manchild.

MeridianB · 11/06/2023 18:57

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 11/06/2023 16:57

Maintenance already comes out of the joint account and also we budget from that for the girl’s activities too so really it shouldn’t actually be an issue for DH to have used some of ‘his’ money for his own children today. He decided to sulk and not bother rather than pay for a taxi and any other costs himself . I think younger sd can see what’s going on as she’s been very apologetic and also dropped DH in it when he was letting them take the blame which was nasty in my opinion as he could have owned up.

He sounds a real charmer to happily take your money month in and month out to support his children who primarily live elsewhere (maintenance), but refused to spend his own to take them out as promised.

Arsehole.

I’ve spoken to them all and I’ve made it clear that DH was wrong to not own up and let them take the blame but equally they did know it wasn’t snack food. Girls actually seem ok and seem to understand it’s DH in a right mood he’s now said that I’m undermining him and telling him off like he’s a child too.

He's been caught out being a selfish arsehole. That's on him, not you. And he WAS acting like a child trying to blame children for his actions and choices.

I think he’s probably going to storm off in a bit but I’m going to go back out to the garden now and try to get on with the rest of the day !

To avoid doing his share of preparing the house for guests, no doubt. His 'excuse' is how you've treated him ... entirely fairly ... but he's pretending not to see he's been a complete arsehole here.

I agree with all of this. Your DH is coming across SO badly here. Is he ever a supportive team player with you?

And the point about maintenance is relevant - you’re going above and beyond by contributing to this. It sounds like you do way mor3 than your fair share at home, too. He needs a wake up call!

Lacucuracha · 11/06/2023 19:04

Sulky shit. He should be saying sorry to you, not in a strop.

Is he always like this?

Nanaof1 · 11/06/2023 19:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Nanaof1 · 11/06/2023 19:12

FishOnABicycleMadeForTwo · 11/06/2023 12:43

I went for a coffee so I was out at the time they needed to leave

Which is just spiteful tbh.
Replacing the food is annoying,getting petrol is fine but actually staying out just so they couldn’t then use the car is awful.

Oh well, if they had been inconsiderate and selfish; OP would not have had to go out at all. They thought they could do what they wanted. They cannot.

mumlikeaboss · 11/06/2023 19:25

rightioly · 11/06/2023 15:05

She has the bbq and tells her guests that sorry but the DSC decided to eat all the food even though they knew it was for them. In front of the DSC so they feel bad.

Show quote history

That's just weird, and would make it incredibly awkward for the guests...

I wouldn't want to punish/consequence my teenagers at the expense of other people I'd invited to my house!!

ninjafoodienovice · 11/06/2023 19:31

You were quite justified. All this bollocks about they are hungry teenagers etc. They knew exactly what they were doing, greedy and inconsiderate. DH is enabling the behaviour. I'm sorry you've had to deal with it.

Spritetype · 11/06/2023 19:34

You did the right thing, as you said there was plenty of other food they could have had if they were hungry. Its exceptionally selfish and they should know better, your DH shouldn't be supporting you.

Ontobetterthings · 11/06/2023 19:34

rightioly · 11/06/2023 12:04

I'd be asking the sc to pay for it if they are old enough and you clearly told them not to eat it. So selfish.

For real? Omg 🤣 things I read on here 🙈

Cornishclio · 11/06/2023 19:46

I think you were right to use the petrol money to replace the BBQ food. Why is it only you who should be inconvenienced? Your DH should have stopped his DC from eating the food obviously earmarked for something. Ideally he should have gone out and bought it but given he wouldn't you had no option. In future make it very clear what food is available for SC to help themselves to.

Goldbar · 11/06/2023 19:57

WellNoprawnsleftthen · 11/06/2023 16:07

I’ve spoken to them all and I’ve made it clear that DH was wrong to not own up and let them take the blame but equally they did know it wasn’t snack food. Girls actually seem ok and seem to understand it’s DH in a right mood he’s now said that I’m undermining him and telling him off like he’s a child too.

I think he’s probably going to storm off in a bit but I’m going to go back out to the garden now and try to get on with the rest of the day !

Weird. I don't know many adults who are so lacking in self-control that they can't stop themselves scoffing food they know is meant for their guests the next day. I find this actually quite bizarre behaviour.

Screwballs · 11/06/2023 20:15

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 11/06/2023 18:31

You make your 15 year old ask to have some of his own Easter egg?

Show quote history

We absolutely do not make them ask, they do it automatically. I'm sorry that triggers you but it comes from their mothers home so have your little go and move on.

Nanaof1 · 11/06/2023 20:54

Papernotplastic · 11/06/2023 13:15

If you’d written this as the mother not the step mother I think you’d have different responses. You told them that this food was for a party the next day, they had already eaten dinner and they had other snacks available. They thought they could get away with it.

You definitely have a DH problem. It’s his attitude that the girls are picking up on. You seem to have mostly separate finances. It’s funny how he’s fine for them to waste your joint money (rebuying food for the BBQ) but won’t put his hand in his own pocket for an Uber to get them to their activity.

It seemed to be more important to Disney Daddy to have a pout-on and make sure his NVDC blame the OP.

The posters on here with the "evil step-mom" mindset are half embarrassing and half deranged. Excuses galore for Disney Daddy and his spoilt little "angels" to the point that the OP is castigated for taking the car and rebuying food and IGNORING the fact that Disney Daddy and his teen brats would NOT have rebought the food. They would have gone on their merry way and left the OP stranded. The little brats did not deserve an activity. They should have been given a long list of chores so they could burn off some of the dessert they had pigged out on the night before. Oh, but that would be wrong because step-mother has all the responsibilities and none of the parental rights to go with them.