Inheritance again, sort of

[Leastsaidsoonestscrewed]

Aibu to look askance at those who leave large cash sums to adult children when they die which they could have given them during their lifetime? Not talking property here, which can always be sold to fund care.
But leaving kids to fend for themselves, to go on multiple holidays or buying a holiday home instead of funding them regularly, making them wait until their fifties or even later before getting any security?
Feels like peak selfish boomer behaviour to me. Surely if you have spare unearned cash from investment etc your Millennial or Gen x kids deserve it more, what with COL crisis, high mortgage rates and all?

Also I'd like to add I had no holidays, no car and no social life whilst raising my family.

I don't think the OP is wrong in the sense that whether it's distasteful or not me and/or my children are likely to inherit a substantial amount. It's just a fact. They won't be able to spend it all. But it probably won't be for another 20 years or so by which time I'll be approaching retirement myself. My family could pass on some inheritance now which would make a huge difference to me and my children. It wouldn't cause me to work any less harder than I already do as a single parent but it would take away some of the stresses or the current cost of livingS I certainly don't expect them to do it though or dwell on the fact that it won't happen. It's just life. I'd rather have my family than the money

As an individual I agree with you op. I couldn't watch DS struggle if I was able to help him.

But I also think that funding a lifestyle (rather than occasional gift and help in emergencies) doesn't allow people to be self reliant and get the pride from earning their money for themselves. My parents didn't help with a deposit (they bought us a table to eat at and the first weeks shopping ) and I do take such pride in the fact that we've bought and nearly paid for our home.

But I recognise it's different now and much harder for youngsters and I expect DS will need help with a deposit which I'm planning on providing (not that he knows that).

But I don't agree that lifestyle choices like holidays and cars should be provided as some people then get quite grabby and entitled.

The baby boomer generation range from 58 to 77. Some of the older ones may have some idea as to what their needs will cost for the rest of their lives, the majority will not and a fair proportion are still working and can’t even predict what they need in retirement. Carefully made plans have gone out the window with the cost of living crisis and are likely to get worse before things get better.

Your parents may be wealthy, but not every baby boomer is.

Perhaps you could let us all know as to how we can all get this unearned cash from investments which pays out more than current inflation levels?

Adult offspring should get on and fend for themselves rather than expect to freeload. It is probably time you stop considering yourself as a ‘kid’ and start adulting.

@SmirnoffIceIsNice

Yeah you need to research it a bit more 😆

YABU

it’s wise to keep your money in case you need a lot of expensive care for a long time

Also, it’s not good for people to be given hand outs. For many reasons

Hopingforagreatescape · Today 08:10
@WonderDays not sure what your point is? That in our mid-fifties we shouldn't think about moving away? That in our mid-fifties we should have managed to buy a more expensive house? What?
I was surprised that at your age your post wasn’t focused on how you are planning to help your DC as they get older.
I am the same age as you and I see myself as the helper rather than the helped/needing help/expecting help/wishing they were getting help.

I'd leave my money to a donkey sanctuary before I left it to you if I was your parent.

If you’re gen X or millennial then not sure why you’d need it to be honest. Millennial here and I don’t know one friend who hasn’t managed to get on the property ladder yet. We had lower house prices than today when in our twenties, student loans were less than today and we hadn’t had the massive cost of living crisis that is happening now. We are fine, working hard and accumulating our own wealth. Gen X are in an even better position as they had the cheaper house prices of the 90s and early 2000s. It’s the generations coming up behind us that I feel sorry for, the graduates at my work have absolutely huge student loans they will never pay off, house prices unobtainable and everything else is so expensive now.

Ah I see. No I do see myself as the helper - will be buying a car for DD when the time comes, putting her through university etc. We also financially support dh's parents. I'm not necessarily wishing for help, but I am asking if we should be feeling guilty for helping ourselves by moving away (for an adequately sized house) when my parents - with their huge wealth - forgot to mention the second home in France - are heading into their 80s - because I know they will criticise!

It depends on whether you think parents have responsibilities for their children after they are fully functioning adults. People that do will agree with you. I disagree with you and think at some point my kids will be adults. I aim to support them emotionally and financially as children on their way and support them to develop resilience, self confidence and other tools to be able to function in wider society. I support their education and take them to extracurricular, do homework and put the time in to support them. At some point as adults with jobs I will expect them to go out and make their own way in the world. There will be an inheritance for each when we die but it won't be up to dh and I to sort out house deposits and suchlike, they'll need to graft as we did and that involves sacrifices. If we decide to downsize and spend any equity on our living expenses or enjoying ourselves then I think that is up to us. We don't have any help with our children from family. We make sacrifices but we've chosen to and I don't begrudge that but once they are adults it's time to put ourselves as a couple first.

Dh won't receive an inheritance, I likely will. I'm not bothered about it, don't expect it and wouldn't care if my parents used it to enjoy their twilight years.

Yanbu.

• it should read yabu.

I’m not necessarily wishing for help, but I am asking if we should be feeling guilty for helping ourselves by moving away (for an adequately sized house
Dont feel guilty they can use their wealth to buy in care. If you need to move then you need to move.

My parents were on the cusp between the Great Generation and Silent, and I'm 61 - a Boomer. I still have a child in school (just about)!
So I'm not at the stage you seem to be complaining about, but I do have a 19 year old and though he is working, it's minimum wage. So yes I help him out. And I will do whatever I can throughout the rest of my life for either of my kids. But I also expect them to be helping themselves - working and budgeting to live within their means.
After a lifetime of working though I am entitled to go on holidays and buy nice things though. But if my child lost their job, had an accident, marriage breakdown of course I'd do what o could.
Money I'd often tied up in property so not easy to liquidate. You can't expect your parents to raise you standard of living just because they can. If you're in trouble, that's one thing.
Most parents I know are very generous (as my parents were to me and my siblings). I don't know anyone swanning off on endless cruises while their kids struggle to pay the bills.

Most people in our friends/family circle, have given substantial help to adult dcs, for house deposits, help with childcare costs, etc.

If they don’t dish out major amounts in older age, it’s probably because if you die within 7 years, that money is liable for tax. Also, they may be reliant on money stashed away for income, e.g. from S&S ISAs.

But I do agree that people who could well afford to help, especially now that houses are relatively so much more expensive than they were 30 or more years ago, but who won’t help, are very mean.

Well yes, of course you can just give it away but it doesn't mean the rules don't exist. It also still doesn't mean you're bloody entitled to other people's money.

I don’t really agree that handouts are to be expected but it does seem a bit daft that often when inheritance comes, it comes at a point when the recipient might not be in as much need of it as previously. I want my kids to be independent and understand the value of money and it is character building to be a bit poor in your 20s when you don’t have anyone to look after but yourself. But if I can avoid my kid getting into debt or at least reducing that debt, I will do that before I am 6 feet underground.

But by definition an inheritance is something you receive when someone dies.

YABVU- it's not your money

Care is increasingly more costly and any parent who hoards their cash and assets are wise to do so to cover the care they've worked hard for or looked after

It may be frustrating to feel the effects of COL etc but there's no reason why someone with more money than you should supplement your income just because they have the means

Oh that's funny. Why on earth should I expect my wealthy parents to fund my lifestyle with their hard earned cash now they have retired? Maybe, instead, I should learn from their example and work hard, invest wisely and ensure my own future is going to be comfortable without relying on handouts.

My husband and I are both 70 this year. Between us we have worked full time for 98 years, plus a few years extra with paper rounds, shop work, veg picking on farms. I was an Avon Lady when I had a few years out of full time work when the children were pre school. We lived 100s miles away from our parents, so no free childcare. And we received no childcare from the gov. Just basic child allowance. Our last 30 years we ran our own business, employing 2 or 3 staff. We had to keep the business open when we went away, so we only had single week holidays, phoning in a few times a day until mobile phones we available. Been retired nearly 5 years now. Been caring for my MIL in our house until she died last year, which coincided with my husband having a major op on his face fir skin cancer. We are just about to go on our first holiday of more than 7 days since 1986. We are very aware that we may only have a few years of unrestricted holidays before health ailments get in the way, but the OP wants us to give our money away to our kids who we have supported through Uni and beyond. Who knows what the future will bring. Hearing aids can cost £3,000, electric wheelchairs much more than that. We may need to spend to make the house use able if one of us becomes disabled, we may need to pay care home costs - a friends mother spent £400,000 on care home costs before she died. So no, we will help and support our kids, as we have done for 40 years, but we are going to enjoy the next few years before it is too late.

Oh that's funny. Why on earth should I expect my wealthy parents to fund my lifestyle with their hard earned cash now they have retired? Maybe, instead, I should learn from their example and work hard, invest wisely and ensure my own future is going to be comfortable without relying on handouts.

That's fairly unusual though. Most wealthy families ensure money goes down the line, eg education, trusts

This ^^

And a lot of so-called boomers had a pretty hard start in life - postwar Britain wasn't a land of milk and honey. I don't begrudge them enjoying the money they've worked hard for, or planning to leave money to their children.

I know of a sixty something man who taps his 90 year old father for money regularly, because he can't manage. I think it's disgusting, he coasted doing anything substantial during his working life because his dad was comfortable and is expecting a sizeable inheritance but dad could possibly go into care and that would be scuppered.

I recently viewed 11 care and nursing homes for my DM and the standard of care and facilities varied so much. I don’t blame the older generation for holding onto their wealth.