To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

I think most people can expect to have a family meet up and have their partner be civil. The family haven’t done anything against OP that requires him to stick up for her.

Respect all round, is the best way forward. People don't have to bin off anyone. Uphold your values and that includes how you conduct yourself as well as not approving of hurts inflicted.

It's not really any of your business what happened. No one really knows what happens in a marriage and, in a break up, there are always three sides: his, hers and the truth.

My brother was close friends with my first husband - they had gone to university together and worked in the same field (still do). My brother, because he is a grown up, kept out of our break up and supported both of us in his own way. For our part we agreed not to discuss our split with him.

He did find it strange when he met my ex husbands new girlfriend which was also suspiciously shortly after our split, but he was polite and friendly. As he was with the numerous girlfriends who followed 🤣.

He also found it strange to see me with another man when I met my now second husband. But he was polite and friendly and eventually grew to like my second husband.

Years on he and my first husband are still close friends and collaborators. And we still have a close brother and sister relationship.

Diplomatic illness I think. Bad hay fever perhaps?

YANBU

I would find this incredibly hard

Some things are worth nailing your colours to the mast for. (Is that the saying 😂)

My loyalties would be to my friend at this point and I’d politely, but firmly, state that I am not up for meeting this person. If your husband kicks off, tough. Woman need to stick together.

I think most people can expect to have a family meet up and have their partner be civil. The family haven’t done anything against OP that requires him to stick up for her.

She shouldn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to. Just because you’re in a relationship with one person, that doesn’t mean you have to mix with their family if they do scummy things.

You’re allowed boundaries. If my partner ‘expected’ me to go against my views and mix with people that have affairs because they’re ‘family’, I wouldn’t stay in that relationship.

If your partner expects things of you that you’re not comfortable with and you do them, you should maybe address that.

Personally I think uou never know what goes on in a marriage and it sounds like you are focused on her side, but really don’t mention his side. At all.

id also take more issue with him shagging around on her than the ow. You seem to be fine with him, behaving fine, but want to take issue with his partner. Nice equal treatment there op. Blame the woman.

id not judge. And if I was going to, I’d judge him more but not before I heard his side fully.

I think you’ve just got to grit your teeth and get on with it. I’d be privately seething, but one day all this will be 30 years ago, and the new girlfriend may outlast the previous wife. Doesn’t mean you’ve got to be best buddies just civil…treat it like an unpleasant business meeting!

Sounds very difficult
I’d go and be polite and civil. It will probably be pretty torturous for the new wife.
How you navigate this with ex sil is harder. She shouldn’t understand why you have to go with the flow though. This definitely does not include becoming new SiL’s best buddy though, far from it

As blunt as it is, I'd have to talk about the elephant in the room. Unspoken stuff makes me break out in hives. I'd probably get past "hello, here we all are then" before blurting out "I feel pressured to be here and although I'm sure OW is lovely I hate feeling like I'm condoning BIL having an affair behind the back of a very close friend."

But then my own BIL knows me and would only invite me if he wanted it all out in the open.

I’ve been in your situation OP. We cut the person who had the affair out of our lives and supported the other person and their children. A lot of our family made the same decision. We don’t mix with cunts with no morals.

so many marriages and relationships end. the way the couple separates and end the relationship

matters. no-one expects people to never have another relationship but respect and time passed would mean a lot to me in your situation.

unfortunately, i really dont think you can win. your friend would matter most. tell her, be honest about why you're going.

if it were me, i'd be polite but wouldn't overly engage with Bil and his new girlfriend.

i still can't look my own bil in the eye after how he treated his wife but he doesn't give a shit and i still see him. we literally don't say a word to each other!

have to laugh at the comments saying best to leave than be unhappy. u lot clearly never been cheated on. which brings me to my next bit. they might be together for 25 years. big deal. their relationship is built on lies so doubt it. his head was turned way too quick. 6 month babies? it stinks of i wasn't getting enough attention, i wasn't getting enough sex , i needed some me time. the usual shit from a man who thinks with his dick. the ow prob been told a lot of crap as said before, we're just together cos of kids etc. tell them all to gtf. lot of snowflakes. go to ur friend and have a girls night in while the ow meets the family. u don't need to be nasty to her but u don't need to be her mate. ur bil and ow wasn't thinking of his
family while they were shagging and wrecking lives.

OP I think it’s quite worrying that your DH is so adamant that you go along and play happy families as well as his mother saying you are too supportive of his betrayed wife!

Obviously not a decent family with morals.

Your DH shouldn’t be forcing you into anything. It’s his brother, he can do what he likes, but I’d be no part of it and I certainly wouldn’t be making polite small talk with people who’d ripped my friend’s and her DCs lives apart.

You need to emulate the Queen (I guess now the King)

What would she have done when she had to meet Trump?

Because those children are DH's family.

This woman may be the twins Step Mother and a valuable relationship to them. Meanwhile the SIL remarries, could even move slightly away, who is left out in the cold?

Do what’s best for you OP. I find people favour being fake and pretending everything is happy and wonderful though . Personally I always speak my mind. I find most don’t though .

No way would I have any part in this. If your husband wants to go, he can go by himself.

We had a similar thing but within our group of friends years ago. The arsehole that cheated was cut out of our group. He also lost his sister and his children. Dickhead. And his new woman cheated on him after 3 years with another married man and he tried to get everyone to feel sorry got him. Lol. Now he’s alone and ill. Shame.

I also would blame the BIL more than the OW and find it just as hard to socialise with him as with her. I would play it polite but distant and leave as soon as it was polite to.

It's easy to spot which posters haven't been cheated on by their responses.

I wouldn't go.

Perhaps if there were more consequences to behaving badly fewer people would do it?

So I don't know if I can give any perspective as I was the mum in this situation and my ex dh married the OW and she's now a step mum to my dd (obviously just my perspective)

It was hard at the time but honestly I didn't want people making drama over the whole situation. I was mortified that people knew and when people said they were team me, it put me in the position of saying I didn't want teams or sides and as much as I appreciated it, I was trying to be civil and calm and keep relations nice for my dd and I didn't need other peoples anst over the whole thing.

Years on I get on with my exs wife, I'm still very close to my ML and my exes family and I have a good co parenting relationship with my ex.

It takes energy to maintain sides and hatred and I got to the point when actually I didn't want to waste any more time.

Your hearts in the right place but these things happen and it turns out I was happier without him.

I’d think it wasn’t my business. I wasn’t in their marriage…🤷‍♀️