To feel weird about meeting BIL’s new girlfriend

[vibecheck]

I want to preface this with I know that I’m being unreasonable, but I just need to rant and hopefully get some advice from some women who’ve been through similar…

My BIL (husband’s brother) left his wife and twin girls 6 months ago, for another woman. It was a classic situation of he said there wasn’t another woman, and some people in the family (cough - MIL - cough) believe there wasn’t another woman, but he immediately started seeing a woman who he worked with and now they live together.

I know my BIL’s ex-wife more as a friend than anything else. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, we are very close. At the time of the split she told me a lot of things as a friend that have coloured my view of BIL and of his new girlfriend. It’s been hard to navigate being her friend and DH’s wife/member of his family during this time because of the complications of the split and crossover of women.

Anyway - we’re meeting BIL and his new girlfriend this week. I’ve been civil with BIL since the split despite my private feelings because he’s DH’s family, but I am dreading this meeting. I will be polite because I always am, but I just hate the idea of sitting having dinner with someone I know was the other woman and caused someone I love so much hurt (not to mention the disruption to my gorgeous nieces!) . I know I have to do it for DH and I will do it, it’s just going to be a difficult evening where I’ll be keeping my gob shut!

Anyone had to do similar and have any advice?

You need to be the bigger person here and be polite.

You need to think longer term. He could be with this lady for the next 25 years and how you choose to treat her early on will decide whether your relationship will be amicable or not. People remember how they are welcomed /not welcomed initially.

They might be awful though, in which case, do what you like

My friend was in this situation a few years ago. She and her husband stopped contact with his brother and remained close to SIL and the children, who refused to see their dad.

Even his own mum refuses to have much to do with her son. The lies and deceit was too much for her. She is very close to her DIL who has actually tried to encourage her to see her son more as she’s getting older but she’s too ashamed of who he is and what he did to the whole family, especially her grandchildren.

These are the consequences of shitty behaviour. If you’re not happy, split up, don’t fuck around behind your partners back and lie to everyone you’re supposed to love. No sympathy at all.

Indeed.

I think some people are dramatically overestimating their ability to cause upset.

@JennyForeigner @GlasgowGal82 With respect, they were both lucky not to lose their sons. If my mother kept making a point of how much she disapproved of my choices and was rude to my subsequent partners, and kept this going for years, my relationship with her would dwindle.

They might have got away with it, but generally people do need to tread carefully and think about which relationships are most important to them.

Are you sure the OW knew that his marriage was ongoing when they started the affair? I have heard women spun the line of we live together for the kids, no sex, relationship is over etc.

It’s a difficult situation, but it does give you the opportunity to ask some pointed questions about when and how their relationship started, the children, and indeed a bit of info gathering you can pass on to your SIL.

Why should she be bothered how she comes across to DH's family?

Because they’re also her and her husband’s family, and making a show of outrage will likely impact her relationship with her husband?

Bloody hell! Some very childish responses on here! Please don’t sit there making digs all evening, you won’t come across well. I understand that you have a close relationship with the ex wife, that doesn’t have to change or be instead of accepting the new woman. The new woman will likely be feeling nervous about meeting the family as it is. Remember that people don’t leave happy relationships. You are only hearing one side of the story. If your BIL met someone else he wanted to be with them surely it’s better that he left than carried on living a lie? As others have said, they could be together for a long time and it would be very selfish and childish of you to cause drama for your DH and family.

Why the fuck would you do that?

Seriously, how tasteless.

The thing is, even if she is gonna remain in the fmaily long term, you dont have to be friends with her and can keep being friends with the ex-sil.
Also, why does it have to be "My DH would never forgive you", kind of sucks you have to force a relationshio with the OW against your wishes to please him. He can forge his own and you can become civil but distant and not go.

Go through the motions, be polite but then arms length, no friendly coffees or chats independently. Don't make a drama out of it, but go with your gut. No way would I have any meaningful relationship with those with no morals - especially where kids are involved. I know things happen in life - but you can decide who's in your close circle. I'd be continuing my relationship with a sister in law I got on with many years and support her in moving forward, I wouldn't get involved in decimating your brother in law's character as however tempting doesn't help anyone in the long run.

On the basis that no one really knows what goes on in a relationship or break up I would be careful about avoiding her or attacking the BiL/OW, as the chances are that you will end up the bad guy (unfair I know).

I would do the same as @ShandaLear be pleasant and civil and nothing beyond that. Treat it as a diplomatic role you have to do. In your position I would tell your SiL that you’ve met OW/will meet her and the formal/civil position you will adopt, so she knows you are doing what you have to do in case she hears about it later and it’s presented as “everyone in the family including @vibecheck loved OW and we are now playing all playing happy families”.

I have a friend who was in your position and went in all guns blazing with the OW and said a load of things to her that others were secretly thinking and snubbed her and BiL at various family gatherings. The problem is that 10 years down the line her exSiL who was left with 3 children has moved on and remarried, more information has emerged that paints a more complex picture of why they broke up, the OW has turned out to be essentially a nice woman and a brilliant step-mother and BiL has a great relationship with his ex-wife now, BUT my friend has never really recovered her reputation in the family for so vocally sticking up for her ex-SiL and calling out the OW and BiL.

I agree.
The SIL is your friend. Bridesmaid.
She's hurting. Her children are hurting.
Your mil sounds like a right piece too.

Polite is as much as anyone can ask. In the same situation I think I'd talk to my SIL and tell her what's going on so she doesn't feel like you're being complicit in airbrushing.
I'm friends with my DBex (she actually lives next door but one) and see her far more than him. Time is a great healer in these things and staying out of any drama is the best advice.

But maybe when your friend / ex sil also meets someone new , you will have to arrange a dinner so that DH can also feel how you feel right now .
I know is still early days but hopefully ex SIL can move on .

In the meantime go , be polite see how it goes, give her the benefit of the doubt. Do you know for definite that new g f was aware he was married before it exploded into full on affair for example ? It's possible you are blaming the new G/f more than the Bil because ex SIl is your friend first and foremost. She might be lovely. Best outcome you get another friend...😁 Then another dilemma appears over divided loyalties I guess. ..

Is this considered polite to ask, I mean in normal circumstances? I find that too nosy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the family sticking with bil. He's family, always will be, and his partner is his choice and beyond their control.

OTOH, Endorsing what he's done by colluding with additional hurts or insults, and becoming cold and hostile to his ex is something else!
So be civil to bil but out of necessity, and support your sil.

Sounds like sil is better off without him if he is such a toad, so maybe in the long run this outcome is for the best, but people should recognise she is now raising their GC in very difficult circumstances, has been hurt very deeply and should give her credit and support appropriately for that. If they don't, then they are also shitty.

It's possible to live someone but not approve of what they do though. So I suppose bil being in the family is one thing, their reaction to the situation and sil is the interesting part and might inform how you view/treat them in future.

I was in the position of your SIL and can I just say it hurts like hell when the family start talking to the OW, it really really hurts.

I was married to my ex for 30 years and he had an affair with a work college. He lied to his mum, our son, everyone, then it came out about the affair.

The family have all met her and I was devastated. I only have my sister in my family and I don’t see her very often and my grown children, but my in laws were my family and it felt like not only did I lose my husband but my family too. My ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex girlfriend, and the family left her with no name, called her all the names under the sun, but it’s different when it comes to one of their own.

I’ve also been in the other side where my BIL cheated in my sister a long time before my ex cheated on my, they decided to stay together, I have never spoke to him since then, and I never will, and my sister respects my decision.

You are your own person so are entitled to have your thoughts and opinions, people may say it’s non of your business, and they are correct however, your entitled to your own opinion.
depending on how close you are to your SIL may depend on how you want to play this. For me personally, I couldn’t be friendly with her, if I felt I had to go to meet them, I wouldn’t be making conversation with her, if she asked me a questions I would politely answer but it would be short answers she would be given.

This is brilliant!!! Love it!

Some of you sound utterly insane. It’s not the ‘moral’ thing to do to be rude or passive aggressive to the new partner of your brother in law because you’re friends with his ex-wife. If you sit there making stupid ‘funny’ comments about how they got together you won’t sound clever or funny or like a good friend, you’ll sound like a knobhead, and they’ll laugh at you and (most importantly) continue their relationship anyway.

OP, the best you can do is go, be polite (no one is saying you have to be best mates with her) and support your ex-sil in other, more sensible, meaningful and practical ways. Making yourself look an arsehole in your own extended family isnt going to be supportive to your friend in the long run, no matter how the ‘mumsnet tinkly laugh’ brigade wish someone had done that for them when their husbands shagged someone else.

Your husband is unreasonable to expect you to go, he can go without you. You’re separate people with different views on things.

My Gran was never rude to anyone involved in this situation. I am pretty sure she will have sat my Uncle down and had a conversation about responsibilities and how disappointed she was that he'd walked away from his marriage and left my Aunt in a difficult situation, but beyond that she continued to be a loving and supportive mother to him, and she was also eventually good friends with his new partner and her kids from a previous relationship who quickly called her Gran too. My point was that she treated everyone with love and respect including the ex-wife, which is entirely appropriate because that women was the mother and primary carer of her beloved grandchildren. If she'd chosen to put her son on a pedestal and push out her ex-DIL as the MIL in the OP seems to have done then her relationship with her grandchildren probably would have shrunk to seeing them during the very occasional visits they had to their Dad.

Sadly life always moves on and unfortunately we have to move with it - however uncomfortable some situations are. Taking avoiding action just kicks the ball further down the road making it harder to deal with later. Perhaps go - but arrive late and then leave early and limit your time in the first meet up.