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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

378 replies

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:02

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 12/06/2023 23:03

T1Dmama · 12/06/2023 22:51

You realise you can say no, I’m too tired!

Show quote history

It’s never occurred to me to say no! I just got on with it!

Tonight I said I was having a rest on the sofa one of the times & then I had a couple of jobs to do (that I would normally wait until she’s gone to bed to do). So I have started to improve the situation.

OP posts:
psch · 12/06/2023 23:17

Not sure if someone has said this upthread but if it helps, when I used to teach in a preschool, children who needed constant attention/companionship from adults or classmates were incredibly exhausting/annoying. They suffered socially for it too as their peers didn't like being badgered.

You could tell from the way their parent(s) were at their beck and call at pickup. They were usually only children, or PFBs without siblings yet. (I'm not generalising about only children though, I think plenty learn to play alone as they get older, in many cases better than those with siblings.)

So you're definitely taking a step in the right direction. I'm sure with time you'll find the happy middle ground between negligence and over attentiveness

Rausvasis · 13/06/2023 00:16

I remember myself at 6/7 years old. How is that a burden? What stops you from chilling in front of tv with that glass and dog while your daughter is sleeping? And what makes you do all those activities every day? Children need friends. I had friends and we were climbing trees together.

Boomshock · 13/06/2023 00:32

StarDolphins · 12/06/2023 20:49

I have thought about this just to have a night on my own! & I’ve definitely not ruled it out! She knows all my friends & we see them regularly so they would have to lie (which they would) but their kids would drop me in it!

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Just make up a new friend.

My kids used to always know my every movement and which friend I was with etc. so my youngest guessed straight away when I started dating.

I don't date at the moment but sometimes even if I'm going to a friends house now I'll say I'm just going out or 'to a friends' but don't name the friend...so I maintain a bit of mystery 😂so that when I do date my daughter won't question it straight away.

Boomshock · 13/06/2023 00:33

Rausvasis · 13/06/2023 00:16

I remember myself at 6/7 years old. How is that a burden? What stops you from chilling in front of tv with that glass and dog while your daughter is sleeping? And what makes you do all those activities every day? Children need friends. I had friends and we were climbing trees together.

It's a totally different atmosphere/vibe when it comes to relaxing when your kids are in bed versus when they're not at the house.

Cariadm · 13/06/2023 01:43

"I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it"...🙄
Why can't you do this when your DD is home, she's 6 so I imagine that she goes to bed reasonably early which should theoretically give you the whole evening to yourself? If you're letting her stay up with you then you're making a rod for your own back and it's not good for her either!
You come across as a loving and caring Mum BUT there is a limit to how much of your life and time should be devoted to you your child and it sounds like you've gone over the line a little too far maybe?
As others have said you do not need to jump to attention at her every whim as that's not good for her either and maybe because her Dad doesn't do that she's very quickly worked out where she's best off, kids are very smart and selfish by default!!
Take a step back, don't force her to stay over with her Dad if she doesn't want to but give yourself a break and have that glass of wine and cuddle your dog and if you're too tired to go to the park or whatever, tell DD that and tell her why, it's all part of learning about life and having consideration for others, it will teach her to think about you as much as you think about her! 🤗

stacyvaron · 13/06/2023 01:46

NO is a complete sentence. NO, you're at dad's tonight. No DAD, you know it's your night to have her, deal with yourself. It's going to take DD a minute to get used to sleeping somewhere other than at home, it's not going to be as comfortable and familiar, and "Dad" needs to step up and take 1 out of 7 nights. If she's annoying him, let him figure it out. It doesn't matter what you do when you're with her, it's REALLY important that they work out a routine that works for them.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 13/06/2023 07:26

Rausvasis · 13/06/2023 00:16

I remember myself at 6/7 years old. How is that a burden? What stops you from chilling in front of tv with that glass and dog while your daughter is sleeping? And what makes you do all those activities every day? Children need friends. I had friends and we were climbing trees together.

I didn’t say she’s a burden, I said I enjoyed the peace for 1 night where I could watch tv (my stuff) or be silent or just anything for me.

She does have friends & she climbs trees with them, goes to their house etc.

But yes agree with you, I can & do have a glass of wine while she’s here, I’m just usually at the least watching some sort of gymnastic/dance performance! & I can’t have my tv on as I like crime/mental health docs! She says it like she’s actually entertaining me! “Would you like me to show you a great dance”

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 13/06/2023 07:31

Cariadm · 13/06/2023 01:43

"I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it"...🙄
Why can't you do this when your DD is home, she's 6 so I imagine that she goes to bed reasonably early which should theoretically give you the whole evening to yourself? If you're letting her stay up with you then you're making a rod for your own back and it's not good for her either!
You come across as a loving and caring Mum BUT there is a limit to how much of your life and time should be devoted to you your child and it sounds like you've gone over the line a little too far maybe?
As others have said you do not need to jump to attention at her every whim as that's not good for her either and maybe because her Dad doesn't do that she's very quickly worked out where she's best off, kids are very smart and selfish by default!!
Take a step back, don't force her to stay over with her Dad if she doesn't want to but give yourself a break and have that glass of wine and cuddle your dog and if you're too tired to go to the park or whatever, tell DD that and tell her why, it's all part of learning about life and having consideration for others, it will teach her to think about you as much as you think about her! 🤗

Yes thank you & I can’t disagree with you.

She falls asleep at nearly 9, last night 8.45 & tonight will be 10 mins earlier in the hope that my rest time/tv can be when she goes to bed.

I am now for the last few nights tidying:making lunch for work while she’s up so that saves time too.

Small changes will make a big difference.

OP posts:
SilverMoonNight · 13/06/2023 08:51

If someone hasn't said this already, I would be very careful. Your daughter is only six, so she doesn't have the language or ability to express what may be going on at her father's house that is bothering her. Going off what you've said about him, he may be doing other things while DD is with him that you don't know about that aren't in your child's best interest. Speaking from experience.

SilverMoonNight · 13/06/2023 08:54

This is a great comment.

Rausvasis · 13/06/2023 09:13

Boomshock · 13/06/2023 00:33

It's a totally different atmosphere/vibe when it comes to relaxing when your kids are in bed versus when they're not at the house.

Show quote history

Maybe you're right. I haven't been in that situation as I wouldn't dare to leave my daughter alone with her dad even for 10 minutes.

T1Dmama · 13/06/2023 09:43

StarDolphins · 12/06/2023 23:03

It’s never occurred to me to say no! I just got on with it!

Tonight I said I was having a rest on the sofa one of the times & then I had a couple of jobs to do (that I would normally wait until she’s gone to bed to do). So I have started to improve the situation.

Show quote history

Good x
Ots all about balance and I think too many parents feel guilty saying no to their kids because they work etc. but actually ‘No’ is such an important word to both use and except throughout life.

I know someone who literally never says no to her kids, they re both very entitled and aren’t the nicest to be around. (Teens now).
I’d let DD come home and not stay at dads, but I wouldn’t put up with the whinging about missing him, I’d also get her to bed so you can still have you time.

Good luck

petmad · 13/06/2023 10:15

She needs to be in her own bed at home and dads has she something she could take with her too dads to make her feel more comfortable . I don’t believe in forcing her to go that will just cause resentment but dad needs to step up and go to parks, swimming etc do what you do with her but not at her beck and call

MarvellousMrsMouse01 · 13/06/2023 10:15

I really really feel for you. But I'm afraid I think you need to follow your DDs lead on this one. When she's a little older she might change her mind and want to stay over his. In the meantime, I wouldn't force her.

wentworthinmate · 13/06/2023 11:01

OverCCCs · 10/06/2023 23:19

Maybe things aren’t so centred around your DD when she’s over there, which is actually a good thing for her to experience. Not to mention the added benefit you mentioned of having some time to focus on yourself, which you should be doing anyways.

It’s wonderful she’s a happy child, but your every waking moment shouldn’t be focused on making her happy, especially if it means she struggles to adjust to a situation (at her dad’s home, no less!) where the balance of needs/wants is almost certainly shifted. As long as he is taking generally good care of her, I’d keep the visits going for the sake of their long term relationship.

Couldn’t have put it better. She’s been entertained with mum all the time and dad probably not so. It’s something she needs to experience. OP you need to step back on that front and let her play by herself and sometimes say no.

morwenna2 · 13/06/2023 11:20

SilverMoonNight · Today 08:51
If someone hasn't said this already, I would be very careful. Your daughter is only six, so she doesn't have the language or ability to express what may be going on at her father's house that is bothering her. Going off what you've said about him, he may be doing other things while DD is with him that you don't know about that aren't in your child's best interest. Speaking from experience.

This.

Please don't force her to go - she's only six. And there does seem something bothering her, that perhaps she can't quite define or articulate. You should really delve into this a bit further.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 13/06/2023 12:32

morwenna2 · 13/06/2023 11:20

SilverMoonNight · Today 08:51
If someone hasn't said this already, I would be very careful. Your daughter is only six, so she doesn't have the language or ability to express what may be going on at her father's house that is bothering her. Going off what you've said about him, he may be doing other things while DD is with him that you don't know about that aren't in your child's best interest. Speaking from experience.

This.

Please don't force her to go - she's only six. And there does seem something bothering her, that perhaps she can't quite define or articulate. You should really delve into this a bit further.

Thank you & yes there will be. If I had to guess, I would say that after spending the whole day with him, by night time the fun Bobby routine is no longer sustainable for him and he will be starting to get tetchy as he will want a rest.

This is why she misses him a whole lot more if she’s seen him in small doses as she gets the best from him (we can all be coco the clown for a short time). Longer periods he can’t keep up with as his real side shows (lack of patience etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 13/06/2023 12:50

wentworthinmate · 13/06/2023 11:01

Couldn’t have put it better. She’s been entertained with mum all the time and dad probably not so. It’s something she needs to experience. OP you need to step back on that front and let her play by herself and sometimes say no.

Show quote history

I agree, I really do. I have started this already & will continue it.

She’s young enough for me to sort & I really do want this for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 13/06/2023 12:59

petmad · 13/06/2023 10:15

She needs to be in her own bed at home and dads has she something she could take with her too dads to make her feel more comfortable . I don’t believe in forcing her to go that will just cause resentment but dad needs to step up and go to parks, swimming etc do what you do with her but not at her beck and call

He does take her swimming & parks (but with a 1-1.5 hour limit because he doesn’t like other kids) but with me, we spend all afternoon at the park from 1-4.30 as we meet her school friends there so she plays with them for hours & I chat to the parents.

After tea at home (especially this time of year) we go out with the dog, to the woods, bike, scooter etc where he won’t do this, they stay in his flat after tea (as he will say they’ve been out in the day).

I just want to make the most of dry days & summer & it’s just what she’s been used to.

I absolutely need her in her own bed. It’s next job!

I won’t force her to go for now. Hopefully it will come naturally for her with the pressure off.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 13/06/2023 13:01

MarvellousMrsMouse01 · 13/06/2023 10:15

I really really feel for you. But I'm afraid I think you need to follow your DDs lead on this one. When she's a little older she might change her mind and want to stay over his. In the meantime, I wouldn't force her.

Yes thank you, I’m not going to now! She can come home & I’ll work on all the things brought up here, saying no etc.

OP posts:
petmad · 13/06/2023 13:30

him not liking other children is not youre daughters fault its like hes punishing her he needs to get his big girl pants on and do it. She needs to interact with other children mainly for her wellbeing. if money is an issue tell him to get a second job their is stuff to do that dosent cost a lot like baking cakes, arts and crafts going to a nearby park. he needs it to be fun for her mainly then shes more likely to want to stay. Im a mom of 3 adults now and 2 grandaughters when weathers nice not to hot we go to the park have a picnic and luckily they have a room hear witch is their play room we do what they want to do if they just want to sit and not do anything thats what we do as long as their happy thats enough for me .

vickylou78 · 13/06/2023 13:37

Have you considered having her stay over once a month? Rather than expectation of her staying the night every Saturday? Or how about you alternate weekends with her Dad?

Original poster
StarDolphins · 13/06/2023 13:42

vickylou78 · 13/06/2023 13:37

Have you considered having her stay over once a month? Rather than expectation of her staying the night every Saturday? Or how about you alternate weekends with her Dad?

She says she doesn’t want any sleepovers (I suggested eow or less) but my plan is to offer it to her every week still but will take her answer. I’m not packing bags just incase.

OP posts:
teadi · 13/06/2023 13:45

Wishitsnows · 10/06/2023 23:10

Your child is so lucky that she can ask to come home. So many mums have to force their children to go to shit dads because the courts force them.

This is the scenario I have. I have my Dd crying saying she doesn't want to go (then asking to come home) and I've got to "force" her. It's heartbreaking

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