“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

This!

My dd goes to my mum's sometimes so I can have a break but she actually wants to go. She does say she misses me everytime, but she's always excited to go and sleepover and sometimes tells me she wants her trip to be ten days long. Other times she doesn't want to go, but that's usually because she's settled in her routine with me and after a bit of coaxing she's excited to go and sleep there and comes back buzzing. My mum makes it so fun and appealling for her though. Does what you do with the constant playing and attention. They don't go anywhere other than the village shop and park occasionally, but my mum keeps her busy and makes sure she's comfortable. I wouldn't even let her sleepover if I knew she wasn't wanted to be there for a sleepover, and she consistently told me she didn't want to.

I understand how important those man and child free evenings are though and why you wouldn't want him in your home if he's disrespectful. İt does sound though it is possible for him to make her feel welcome and make her feel excited about sleeping there, but there's nothing worse as a child (or adult even) than sleeping somewhere you don't feel comfortable sleeping in. Maybe he could see her every Sat during the day, and make every other Saturday a sleepover and push him to make the effort to make it cosy and comfortable and welcoming for her.

Hmmm! you won’t like this🤣…but I am from the ‘’ no unrelated man will ever move into her home’ camp!

My mum (and my sister) had men coming & going in my childhood & I refuse to do it.

if someone came to my life that that was amazing & enhanced my life (& I’m certainly not looking) tgen I would keep it out of my DD’s life until she left home.

That’s not to say I don’t want to enjoy my life & go out with my friends & also have time to myself though.

I had (& still do for other reasons) the most amazing 20’s & 30’s, I loved every minute with not a care in the world & now, it’s time for me to concentrate on bringing my DD up in a stable home.

I know not a popular choice!

Thank you! That was the suggestion but we’ve chatted today & she still says she f do peanut want to.

So I’ve said ok, I’m still going to offer you it every weekend but if you say no then I will pick you up at 7pm with the exception of nights where I’m out - then it’s non negotiable & she will have to stay.

Then hopefully with the pressure off & the hope he gets a 2 bed flat where she can have her own room, she might want to start staying again.

I have thought about this just to have a night on my own! & I’ve definitely not ruled it out! She knows all my friends & we see them regularly so they would have to lie (which they would) but their kids would drop me in it!

@StarDolphins you might want to stay with a friend yourself. A friend you were at school college with. Get away for a bit to recharge the batteries.

shes 6, i would let her stay home to be honest.

sucks for you i agree entirely but shes 6.

If she starts with the "i miss daddy", remind her shes had time to spend with him and she chooses to come home. Shes old enough to understand consequences. If she wants to spend time with him she needs to stay over. remind her of that

She doesn’t come across as being in any way worried about me, I feel she is saying it on face value of just what she wants. Might be wrong of course.

The only time she worries about me is if she accidentally hurts me or if I feel
poorly but it’s very short lived!

I know exactly what you
mean though, as a child I was in a constant state of this, my mum was an alcoholic & I was always so worried if anything had happened to her & if she was ok that I only settled when I got back home to her.

I do this now & have done for the last few months & she absolutely knows a) it’s true! & b) I’m going to say it!

But yes you’re right, I just have go with it. I’ve tried forcing it & it’s not worked & so to carry on, I’m risking her resenting me which I just don’t want.

You're doing your best and it's all you can ever do. Have sent you a PM if you want a fellow single mum to chat to.

Thank you, I will definitely try audio books, good idea!

I can see this being really helpful.

Thank you, I would love to go & stay with my first boyfriends parents who I am still close with so this is a good option.

For 5 weeks now (& the 8 weeks she stayed there last year) when she’s rang at 7.30pm from his, I’ve tried saying just try & go to sleep etc & made it all sound positive & I’ve told him via text that he needs to just make it work however he can…but nothing has worked. I think it’s genuinely coming from her but I think he likes not having the bedtime routine & early get up so it suits them both for her to come home.

Yes good suggestions & when I text him with the new plan I will say I will be collecting her at 7.15 every Sat then I will tell her it’s home & bed. I don’t want him here reading stories (he’s never done bath time in nearly 7 years) & that would mean I’m alone with him which I don’t want so I will insist on picking her up.

It’s a tricky one as my youngest used to be a bit like this but we persisted. They were 2 and 5 and the time and youngest was great for a while but on those early days I actually went to his and out them to bed as he would be at work til later so it possibly helped. I then sat with them til he got in from work (either 8/9/10 depending on shift) and then they stayed there for 1-2 nights before coming back to me. Once they were there it was never an issue. Fast forward a few years, a girlfriend, a new sibling, them splitting up and sibling now also doing the shared parenting stuff, we had a few times when he picked them up and she had a wobble and didn’t want to go, cried, cling to me etc. But I kind of pushed through it and kept the routine going. She was the same when she was at nursery - clinging to me on drop off and didn’t settle when she was there and I was at work, random tears throughout the day. But I found that keeping the routine helped and we don’t have the pushback these days now she’s 10. They also don’t go as often these day - longer story but more his work life balance than the kids.

Unless you have any concern over the ex and his relationship with the child then I would personally try to encourage her staying over.

Does she stay over anywhere else?? Mine stay with on GM regularly if I have plans to be out and it’s not dad’s weekend - work related so not the kind that can be moved easily onto dad’s weekends and he usually has plans those weekends. They knew they had to stay over and that I couldn’t come and get them as I was working til past their bed time. Again, some weeks my DD would not want to go but she had to.

With not too much effort you can build in some more relaxing time, instead of walking round the woods (can you do this earlier?) you could have film night and popcorn night, reading by yourself, just 10 mins here and there of building up small tasks for her to do by herself.

You say you’ve built a rod for your own back BUT have you actually built a happy confident child? Because she is secure in her home.

Little tweaks will do and before you know it she’ll be off on sleepovers at friends houses.

whatever you do, don’t be hard on yourself! It’s hard enough being a mum as it is.

No she doesn’t stay (& never has) anywhere else bar odd sleepovers at friends. I have good friends that will have her for day trips/teas too so that helps.

I don’t have any concerns that she’s not safe/happy there all all. She just continues to say every day that she wants to see him but not stay. She even said to me ‘I keep telling you’ so I’ve had to have a really good think over yesterday & today & have told her that I will offer a sleepover every week & if she doesn’t want to then she can come home (apart from the nights I’m out).

My night alone (& sanity🤣) comes below the risk of resentment & I hope with the pressure off she will start to want sleepovers.

I'd not force her to stay if she doesn't want to, she may change her mind when she gets a bit older. Getting some nice new bedding and starting off in her own bed would be a good first step, to having the bed to yourself, and, she is o ly little, I personally found that my children grew up aot over the summer holidays, pressure off from. School, more time to relax, time playing with friends in a way you can't do at school. Independence will come with time.altgoufh you don't know when that time will be. Neither of my children wanted to stay with the nearest grandparents, for many years, the other ones were too far away and it was a whole family trip. I didn't force the issue, I could see why they didn't want to stay, and to be honest my daughter rarely did stay. Didn't stop her going off to uni and to stay with friends and moving away when she got older
I have friends and I love visiting but sometimes afterwards it's just nice to get home and sleep in my own bed again

Thank you & yes, I just have to adapt. Getting her in bed & asleep earlier will help, watching instead of participating will help and explaining that I’m not readily available all the time too. I just need to make changes as suggested that will help.

The woods thing is mainly a summer thing, we’ve always been outdoors, we still go in winter but watch films/board games on rainy days. It’s the climbing trees/hide & seek type games I need to steer away from. There’s a tree swing there she can go on & I can watch instead of tree stuff!

I’m sure the neighbours are all like ‘look at this woman again in the tree’

Honestly, for the sake of your sanity, you need to dial it back a bit!! Your Daughter is old enough to understand that Mummy is tired out. She doesn't need absolutely constant input, it will benefit her to learn to occupy herself. Shes almost 7, not 3!! Also look your ex square in the eyes and say shove off, no chance mate, forcefully enough that he gets the message!! He has no shame.

School hols to get her back in her bed would be perfect! I just wanted to do her room up first, decorate it, move the bed, new bedding etc beforehand so it was like a new room rather than the one she stopped staying in iyswim - she’s chosen the wallpaper, I just need to find time to do it!

Saturday when she’s at her dad’s, I have been catching up on all the stuff I haven’t had time to do in the week but from now, I’m going to do some jobs before she goes to bed. Which will help me & help her too with realising it’s not 100% me entertains. Like, yes we can go to the woods but I need to mow the grass first so you sit & colour while I do it.

You seem to be doing all the right things and he sounds somewhat immature. My sons partner made it nigh on impossible for my son to build a relationship with his son and my grandson now 16 has significant issues. Not everyone can be a great parent but he needs a chance to be a good enough parent so give him the benefit for a while longer.

I think that sounds like a good plan. Go over the plan with everyone, then when she wants to come home encourage her to stay; but if she doesn't want to you speak to her on the phone, says she's welcome to come home, but it's straight to sleep in her own bed.
I wouldn't go straight in with 'she won't be staying as she doesn't want to', so make sure she takes her packed bag and pjs etc, so that it doesn't look like you're just planning for her to come home.

It's fair enough if you don't want him in your house, or to be alone with him. Just make sure you keep it chilled in the car or the walk home, maybe start an audiobook, so she doesn't get chance to chat loads and work herself up, and you can start the bedtime vibes from pickup. Nothing that requires your input too much, so you can keep your chilled evening too!

Gosh that’s awful for your Grandson. I would never ever do that, it’s so important for her to have him in her life. It took 2 years longer than it should’ve done to finally say I wanted to split up because I know how important both parents are.

I just must’ve packed that bag about 40 times & soent many Saturdays in limbo & she always says she doesn’t want it. I used to pack her bag every week & send it ‘just incase’.

I was just going to ask her once on a Friday does she want a sleepover then take that answer, no pressure,, no cajoling, no me trying to change her mind or talking about it, just right I will pick you up 7.15 then it will be winding down until 7.30 then bed!

Then when she says ‘I miss daddy’ I will remind her that she will have the option to stay over to spend longer with him & she can give me her answer Friday. Which again I will take. Then I’m hoping she might change her mind naturally & 1 week says yes I will stay over!

You realise you can say no, I’m too tired!