“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

You clearly have an amazing relationship with your DD. However, by not encouraging the sleepovers with her dad it is preventing that same thing. It’s only one night so there isn’t much compromise.
You need time to rest and recharge when you are a single parent and there should be no guilt in this.
I don’t think you have given it long enough for it to feel ‘normal’.
Don’t forget he will be learning how to deal with this situation too having never had to deal with sleepovers. Kids change in who is there ‘favourite’ parent all the time.
Give it a chance to blossom.

Crying I think!😱 If I said I was going downstairs before she falls asleep (I usually potter about, clean bathroom/iron etc) then she falls asleep quickly knowing I’m upstairs I guess.

A court would award every OTHER weekend and a night in the week, every week. (Generally)

Maybe she just wants a weekend at home with her Mum.

You have made a bit of a rod for your own back there

Children need to learn to amuse themselves too. They don't need constant entertaining or playing with or constant companions.

Enjoying your own company is a benefit.

Sometimes siblings don't want to play with each other!

But wouldn’t that be 2 nights EOW? Which equates to 1 night pw which is what it is/was currently.

He can’t have her in the week as he starts work early so wouldn’t be able to get her ready or to school.

Yeah that’s what I was told. However my ex lives 1 hour away so he sees daughter every other weekend that’s it.
Maybe she could do a full weekend Friday-Sunday (every other) and he could just have her for tea during the week.
They’re great these part time Dads, my ex can’t even keep to the arrangement we’ve got, often cancels.

I certainly have! I love my own company too. Hopefully I can turn it round!

I think that would be too long until she next sees him as week night teas are very sporadic.

I think I need to, as pointed out, start changing our time together a little so she knows I have jobs to do so will have to entertain herself or that I want to sit on the sofa rather than dance sometimes.

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

This is what I would do. Set the boundary that she can only stay for the day. Everyone knows where they are then rather than the fannying about, you getting pissed off with your ex, him knowing he can use your child as a pawn, your DD possibly playing games to see how her parents react (better not to enable her to be in that position), you being resentful of having your lone time taken away from you.

"DD, for now, you can go to your Dad's for the day and you will come home to sleep. We can discuss this again in September"

I think your own comments say it all.

At home you play with her and your sole focus is her and ignore your own wants and needs sometimes to do so. There is nothing wrong with this per se, but it has set a precedent that yours is the fun house where she is the centre of the universe. You even have her sleep in your own bed so she is never away from you when she is at home.

At dads house he believes not everything is about DD and he is not a constant playmate, best friend, co sleeper as he indicates himself by commenting that he has to have a life (conveniently forgetting by that you do too). I mean he also sounds like a total douche that isn’t particularly going out of his way to settle DD to be honest as it’s convenient for her to come home for him so I don’t discount that, but she needs to have more balance in both homes, not just all the attention in one house and not much in the other.

Of course she misses dad, he’s her dad, but (as we would see here on MN regularly) he’s not the Disney dad that we hear so much about… She gets far more attention from you and you accommodate her wishes far more as well as being her safe place and her anchor.

Also dads a bit of a dick and probably wants to make excuses to actually see you by the sounds of some of your comments… so constant pick up/drop off suit him as he can letch and be inappropriate! Grim…

I think it would help to teach her some independence as appropriate for a 6 year old, like quite a bit more independent play, a better bedtime routine of being in her own bed, fostering a greater understanding that mummy can’t just drop everything for you to play and possibly try and move contact to every other weekend and slowly build the time he has her over that weekend rather than it being every weekend. Equally I would talk to him about stepping up a bit more, working with her to help her choose how to decorate her bedroom there and making it a nice place so she feels like she belongs and giving her her own safe space there with nice things, her own clothes and belongings and how you are going to try to get her to be a bit more independent, but he also needs to entertain her a little more and immerse himself with her a bit more to build the bond so that you can both move this forward. He’ll either step up or he won’t and then you know whether he’s part of the problem!

Bonus of EOWE is you don’t have to see him every weekend either!

Also get some books like ‘Hannah’s Two Homes’ so that you can talk with her openly about this and encourage as much dialect as possible to help her transition between homes and let her know that she isn’t alone and other children do these things, read these not only at yours, but also at dads. There are also some great Co-parenting books out there that talk about helping children transition between homes, which your ex and you could possibly both read? A great book is ‘The Guide for Separated Parents - Putting your Children First’ which will help with tips and techniques as you try to transition this.

Because he’s a douche who also oversteps him boundaries with you I would also ‘busy’ myself at pick up and drop off… so it limits his time to have the chance to talk to you, be polite but ‘must get on, in the middle of x y Z’ as nobody needs the letching and comments and your daughter doesn’t need to hear it!!! If he does carry on I would simply look him straight in the eye and say ‘I don’t think that’s appropriate conversation between us’ then wish him goodbye and close the door. Sounds like he needs a few boundaries himself!

Thank you, all very helpful & makes sense. I will also order the book. I have a lot of books to help me to help her but one to help her directly would be good.

I actually think he is a bit of a Disney dad (but a strange way)in that I’m pretty sure he spends the whole time either stroking her & saying he loves her or putting words in her mouth of how wonderful he is & how much she’s more like him than anyone - he walks round chanting “she loves her daddy & my daddy, my hero”🤣 but I’m sure she’ll eventually realise actions speak louder than words & that I show love (I do say it too but it’s not a full on over appreciation experience!).

I will do all the pick ups from his moving forward & make it really quick & any more comments (I gnore them completely currently so it’s not highlighted to DD) I will say what you’ve suggested.

. So he treats her like an old lady treats a fluffy little dog belonging to her neighbours? Gets her all anxious and repeatedly walks out of her life. Fabulous man - not. You need to talk to your DD about things like sleepovers with friends, etc. She can’t expect you to be there, so she is going to have to learn how to settle herself. I know six is only little, but she needs to start becoming independent from you so she sees you as a separate person. You don’t want her to grow up so entirely enmeshed with you that she feels guilty carving her own way in the world. (Or even worse, being those mummy daughters who dress alone and say “My mummy’s my best friend” while meaning “My mummy is my only friend”.(because I am infantile and unable to make choices for myself.)

🤣 made me laugh! I absolutely don’t want that no. I would love for her to be independent & confident, that is my aim. I am not clingy in the slightest. I just seem to have created a clingy kid & dog!

She is absolutely fine at friends houses for hours on end & sleepovers! Doesn’t get upset about being away from me. Granted she doesn’t have many sleepovers but has always been excited & fine.

I would be devastated if I was her only friend. That would be awful for her (& me).

This ‘ So he treats her like an old lady treats a fluffy little dog belonging to her neighbours’ is EXACTLY how it is!

Please do not force her to go!

I was your daughter once, similar age etc
I love my dad and enjoyed spending time with him but I did not want to stay. At the time I didn’t really know why I just used to say I missed my mum and wanted to be at home.

I now know I felt betrayed that my dad left and I too didn’t want to leave, it wasn’t my safe space and although it was fun there I couldn’t relax and felt anxious.
I us d to beg my mum not to make me go but every weekend she made me go coz she thought it was best. It ruined my relationship with her to an extent because what I learnt was that my mum would force me to do something I didn’t want to/feel comfortable (my mum was a good mum) but I honestly felt like I wasn’t wanted and everyone just wanted to get me out of the way.

I just think children of that age like to be at home where they feel secure. Obviously she wants to see her dad but probably feels like she wants to sleep in her own home.

So hard, just give her a bit more time she is only 7 it’s still quite young. Mine never wanted to sleepover anywhere until they were about 10!

Does she have any sleepovers with friends? Cousins ? Maybe they could have a play date at D’s and they stay there together?

There’s an element of me that thinks he’s happy to manipulate the situation so that he ruins what he perceives as plans you might have when she’s with him for the night. My ex used to do that - phone me to say she was unhappy and he was just bringing her back. I said no, you parent too, deal with it. Apart from him being generally useless he’s capable of looking after her for one night, at least my ex is, and she’s gotten used to it.

mine is 10 and would still happily spend every night with me - but years of solo parenting has taught me I parent better with an occasional break, and if he’s going to hang around as a dad they both need to get used to a bit of sustained contact. Mine certainly doesn’t have her one a week - once a month if that. Maybe even reduce it down to that? And have set plans for the other days, there is nothing more disappointing then switching off mum mode and then not getting a break.

solo parenting is exhausting, but you need to do what you need for self care too.

Just as it should be. You're doing a great job as a mum.

Are you certain that her dad isn't encouraging her to 'need' you on a Saturday night when he'd rather be out?

A friend has this issue from her ex. He will randomly expect her to pick up their child during a fortnightly weekend overnight stay. He says the child is crying because he's missing mummy, but when she gets there, he's actually fine and happy. I think he's making sure she hasn't got a social life of her own.
She does go straight there though and collects cheerfully, because the child matters more than being annoyed at his dad's games.

Personally I would stick to the plan. I understand she’s only 6 and people are saying she should go home, but you’ll only build resentment for the lack of shared duty with your ex. You need that time for you and like they say you have to put your ‘oxygen mask on first’. I used to be a mum who’d do anything to put her kids first but it landed me in such a state I wish I had been a little more selfish then I think I’d be a better mum today xx

But she’s 6 - surely you get loads of sofa and dog time during the week once she’s in bed. What’s bedtime? 7.30?

Oh gosh, it’s good hearing it from the other side & I don’t want her to feel like this & this is in the back of my mind.she’s telling me she doesn’t want to stay there.

She just said I miss daddy & I responded with my normal “I know, it must be really hard for you” she then interrupted & said but I still don’t want a sleepover.

No cousins nearby no. She has had a couple of sleepovers at my friends with her dd & is totally fine with this, doesn’t give me another thought which is great.

This.

No unfortunately it’s nearer 9. Then I have to do my lunch for work the next day & get her bag ready & catch up on parent hub etc. so then it’s bed.

i’m doing 10 mins earlier each night until she’s hopefully asleep 7.45 which would then really help.