“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

I hear what you’re saying.I don’t feel resentment yet, I’m just really would’ve liked a bit of peace and I want her to stay there for her sake, I just don’t want her to think that she’s told me many times & I’m not listening.

I’m still really confused about whether to enforce it or not. She’s told him & me many times she wants to go home but I’m still torn as is ‘prefers home’ a good enough reason.

Why not tell her before she goes that you're going to your friends house for the night? She thinks you're always at home so it's easy to ask to go home.

I know from experience they sometimes say they miss mum because they feel they should say that. Sounds unbelievable but they worry you’ll be lonely. It’s amazing how complex young brains can be.
Children in these circumstances wrongly and sadly learn to be people pleasers, which isn’t good.
Please don’t force her to stay with her dad. Let it be her choice. She should choose herself. She’ll soon learn how to get what she wants from her dad. And all too soon she will grow up and you’ll lose that little girl.
Also, before you know it she will have sleep over with friends etc.
Can totally appreciate why you want some me time too. However, maybe let her stay with Grandparents, friends, cousins etc way before you make her feel OBLIGATED to stay with her dad. Otherwise it will feel like a punishment, which is wrong.
Dad needs to want to see her too not feel under pressure to do so. His loss ultimately if he doesn’t invest proper time in his daughter.

Firstly, I'd stop her sleeping in your bed all the time - it's likely part of the reason you need a break so much!
I'd also encourage dad to do more to wear her out, especially after tea, as that's what she's used to.
I'd also suggest sending her with games to play with dad, if she's mostly in his flat in the evenings, or ensuring that she's got toys and games there.

Suggestion:
If she wants to come home that's fine - but she needs to stay until it's bedtime as it's her special time with dad, it needs to be coming from her, not her dad, you need to speak to her on the phone and encourage her to stay, ("lie down for half an hour, and if you still can't get to sleep daddy will bring you home").
BUT
Once she gets back home it's straight to bed in her own bed and own room. Dad can put her to bed, read her a story etc. You will just call in to say goodnight, and then dad leaves. Once she realises she's no better off at your house, she may choose to stay over.

Yes I think he’s not fussed if she stays tbh.

I too am so much better once I’ve had a break. The last 4 weeks have been really lovely, I’ve only watch my fave documentaries but it’s lovely.

But I think I won’t force her for now, I will ask her every week if she wants to & one day she might say yes but I’d not, her home is here & she’s welcome back!

I can rest when I’m dead🤣

Id asking him what is happening that she doesn't want to stay? Why does she always want to come home?

Would she be able to lie there and listen to an audiobook? That worked very well with my eldest when he was a similar age. I had wasted so many hours sitting in his room or being out in the hallway "on call" in case he needed me. If DD is hesitant about being alone/lonely, hearing a narrator's voice might help with that. My son also liked CDs (he listened to a Thomas the Tank Engine movie soundtrack so often I can still sing every note... and he's now 23!).

I will be saying she doesn’t have to stay apart from nights where I am out. I’m definitely sticking to this. I can’t have him looking after her here!

You can, but honestly, it’s hard enough being a lone parent without having to martyr ourselves.

maybe if you have noticed the break doing you good you need to speak to friends that might take her for the night? Every now and then? I find i function better if I know if I have a break coming up.

and I love my child, and I would do anything for her, but I’m human too, and sometimes my brain and body just need a rest, lockdown especially showed me that!

I agree with others though - she stays till bed time then straight home to bed so it’s not an even later night. That makes it worse!!

No I meant just tell her you have plans and won't be there, you don't actually have to go out.

Your ex sounds a little creepy to be honest

She obviously feels uncomfortable there

Listen to her

I’ve done this & he gets really really shitty!

He sounds like a right tosser! Maybe he needs to make more of an effort with her it’s only one night a week surely he is capable of that!! Don’t house swap or anything like that he sounds like a right slease! Everyone needs a break

Let her come home but remind her she had stayed and asked to come home. Maybe she could stay over when older.

I know a mum at school who has a great relationship with her daughter she thinks. They've been a twosome for six years now. Daughter is somewhat precocious, strong willed. Ex is great too. No animosity it just failed as a relationship.

Trouble is now mum has found another lovely man been seeing him for a year. Every other weekend they're together. Daughter knows nothing . The ex has also met someone, again she has to make herself scarce when daughter visits.

Two adults avoiding upsetting an eight year old when they're both young enough to start again and be happy just seems unfair.

Please don't let this little one rule your lives OP

Some fantastic responses and there's definitely some great advice that should be taken on board imo. I'd definitely clean up while she is up playing and get enjoying time with friends and learning to entertain herself in a way that kids imagination can. There's far too much mummy focus I think. Some is great 👍 her whole life revolving round Ur every move. No. And yes she should stay with u if she really want to, but the deal is no more constantly banging on about missing daddy. If daddy is local maybe two shorter visits than one long one?

I think he is not making enough effort for her to enjoy herself !You absolutely do deserve a night off every week so you can chill, drink wine , eat crap etc and have a decent lie in .
We have our grandchild once a week exactly for this reason to preserve my daughters sanity! I suggest you persevere and not give in .

Is it that it is every Saturday night. He might not be making enough of an effort because he wants to go out. You need to have some Saturday nights off too! I would do as you have said and suggest every other week. Also suggest to him some activities to make things more fun for her.

You do need some 'you' time and it does sound as though you may not be continuing to get some . Why not put your DD in her own bed , it will seem like a break when you get into your bed , can stretch out , read , go on your phone etc. and just relax .

Can I start with…the fucking audacity of him wanting a life to, wtaf does he imagine you do all week! Anyway I think if she asks to come home she should do she trusts you and if you start making her stay there she’ll learn to not trust you with her feelings. I do sympathise though single parenting is hard but then tbh do men really make our lives easier!!

Your daughters father need time to build a relationship with her. Parents share the responsibility and she will need him in her life when she gets older an the seed bed to make that a reality is now. Separation adds pressure on all parties. Give him some advice to try and make it work and discuss with your daughter why you think seeing her dad is important

I sympathise.
You should not let him into your house and eye you up and down. Creepy. Quick handover at door.
Accept it op- men are useless shits. Mostly on purpose.
Your dd will know later in life who was the good parent and who was f'ing useless . Your reward for all the hard work now will be a life of respect and love from her .
You will be repaid in spades.
You can say mummy is tired. Its time to play quietly on your own now. No 24/7 activities

I’d let her choose if I’m honest. My daughter is 13 and hasn’t spent the night at her dads in about 4 years, she just spends the whole day whenever she feels like it with him then he brings her home at night. Even now I’ll say are you sleeping and she’ll say no she loves her own bed and I have to respect that. It’s tough cos you never really get to switch off and enjoy the house to yourself x

I have discussed at length with her the reasons why it’s important as part of the you need to stay discussions.

I have tried to help him, I’ve tried to suggest what ‘age appropriate’ is, I’ve gently tried telling him that obsessing & sharing his latest diet/lottery thoughts aren’t going to be good for her, I’ve said that calling her friends ‘little shots’ in front of her isn’t good. I’ve repeatedly said her staying over is very important and I’m met with him being incredibly defensive & telling me he’s a great dad, a great person & that I’m critical.

Then when he suggested 1 night every other weekend & I said I think it needs to be every week, I got a barrage of ‘no you’re a cheeky fucker, when am I meant to have a life’

so now, I parent separately- his time, his rules & sameat my house!

If she doesn’t want to stay over, then she doesn’t stay. It’s as simple as that imho

I get that you need your time, I feel that trust me however if the night time thing isn’t working then she sees dad during the day for hours.

Personally, I wouldn’t make my children do anything they didn’t want especially if it involves staying overnight somewhere, dad or no dad