To stay in loveless marriage because we cannot afford to separate

[Hillbilly]

Our marriage is dead although we rub along ok together. Two DCs, 17 and 15. There is no way we can afford to live separately and provide two homes for them. The 17 yr old still has another year in education and because we live in London and he may not go to Uni (although he would want to leave home- that's another story - so difficult to afford to live here independently) then realistically we would both need places that can accommodate both kids. DS2 poss may go to Uni but who knows. Both of us self employed and we love the area we live in. To sell the flat (ex council) would not give either of us enough to buy again. My business is heavily dependent on the area we live in (wealthy client base). Both on our mid/late 50s. We have talked about it but no solutions 😞

I also acknowledge that obv it could be done, but to what cost emotionally and upheaval wise. We have a low mortgage and my business is thriving but london is so expensive. We also both love our flat (as do the kids) and it's a harmonious home although I do realise that the kids will be aware of our situation and I'm concerned that we are not setting a good example of what a loving relationship should be

Happy parents = happy kids. They'll know you're not getting on They'll sense the tension. You only get 1 life......

You make things work, why have 2 unhappy parents together when you can have 2 happy parents living separately.

How though, if they simply can't afford it?

I suspect there's lots of people in this position.

Can you rent a place close by? Keep the home until the children leave (5yrs at the most), and do a week on/week off in the main house?

I think “happy parents, happy children” is a bit simplistic. Divorce usually affects children negatively. Obviously being in a household with parents who are arguing etc. also affects children negatively. But I think whether children are better off with parents who don’t love each other but get along ok or separated parents is a difficult question.

I’m a single parent myself and happier than when I was in a bad relationship so I completely get why you would want to and don’t think it would be wrong to do so. I’d assume you will want to divorce at some point even if you can stick it out for a few years so will have to deal with the financial issues then.

In terms of affording it there are usually really difficult compromises on divorce. Most people can’t continue with the same standard of living they had beforehand. Maybe write down all the possible compromises e.g (move area, rent, tell your children that they’ll need to move out / contribute to housing costs at certain age, earn more, separate but continue living in same flat etc., buy 1 bed flat and children share and you sleep on sofa?) . Over time you might feel that you could live with some of these. Or if not at least it’s your choice to stay because you felt the alternative was worse.

Might also be worth considering the cheapest property you could buy in an acceptable area and the max you could borrow and your equity to see if there are any possibilities.

What is the flat worth in London? Sentimentality over a property is not helpful in this situation, though understandable.

So sounds like you live in a wealthy are, so you could afford it, you'd just have to move. Personally I'd move rather than live like that.

why Do you both need space for the boys. Given their ages they’ll be out of the home a fair amount I imagine and it’s not like they’re little children who will need a contact schedule.

Can’t one of you move to a bedsit etc for the time being. Then sell out in a few years when the boys have left home?

Some couples take it in turn to stay in a cheap flat for half the year ( ie when they're not with their kids)leave the family the family home. I've been on our council house waiting list for 18 yrs! Even staying with family works for.some

Why/how is the relationship over? What's going on? Have you tried couples therapy? Do you know what your DH thinks about the relationship?

I think before you even get the practicality of splitting you need to have this conversation and understand what's really going on between you.

Gosh, this is a tricky one. Essentially, you can't have it all. Really you should have done this years ago but you didn't so given your sons ages I'd be inclined to stick with ghe flat till youngest is 18/finished A Levels. After that sadly you sell up and they're on their own. You might feel you're depriving your children of something but many parents aren't able to offer their kids half what you two have.
In the meantime maybe one of you could live elsewhere, either fulltime or maybe M-F and the other stay in the flat. That's going to cost of course.
When you say you can't afford the split, do you truly mean you can't afford it, or do you mean youll have nothing left over? I'd be priming the boys to understand that living in London may not be an option for them when they're older.
The other option is sell up after GCSEs (l'd make a real effort not to disrupt schooling), and consider a cheaper area. I don't know your business but lm sure you could 'start again' elsewhere. I mean you could even end up with a house and garden each paid off, giving you a chance to retrain or try something else. The boys won't like it buy you've sacrificed enough I think.

We live in a very wealthy area but even so if we sold the flat neither of us would be able to stay in the area. We have nothing left over at the end of each month even with a low mortgage. There is no leeway financially.

Well there's a very simple answer to this by the sound of things......both move out of your wealthy area. You'll have to travel back in for your wealthy clients.

Hard for some people to understand. I am ten years in this situation and though I look like I am coping, it's slowly killing me. Try to resolve this please.

I think it's fine to cohabit if you get along well. Why not? If one of you gets serious in a new relationship though, it might get awkward.

Wouldn't you rather move though and be free and happy? This is the trade off.

Same here. It's not terrible but loveless. London too. Similar age.
But in back of mind you only have one life.

Doable before Covid. Impossible now I think.

Just total empathy.

Most marriages throughout history were not love marriages. So you are the historical norm. I wouldn't split up in your position unless I thought life would be better apart, and having somewhere to live is definitely an important factor in a nice life!

It’s not that you can’t literally afford it, you can afford it but you’re choosing not to. You just want to maintain your current lifestyle. If you both sold up and moved across to cheaper areas, it could be doable. I wouldn’t even say you need to accommodate for bedrooms for both children, the oldest can get a full time job and find his own place soon. Living in a wealthy London area is on the extreme end of living expenses; it’s also not a right. He can live somewhere cheaper. You all can.

If you have a low mortgage you have a lot of equity. -even split- ok you might not be able to buy but could certainly rent. If you were unhappy enough in this situation you would do this, so the situation is that you aren't happy but not that unhappy that you have to get away from him and upset the applecart this isn't uncommon , so unless things get that bad chances are it will stay like this

Posters are being unfair. I think your'll find many couples in this situation. And there is no easy answer. Because even moving a long way away to a much cheaper area it still isn't possible to get 2 unpleasant small flats anywhere near child's school. Unpleasant choices.

I could understand if you had young children but given you don't I feel you are selling yourself short. You are still relatively young and you're settling for a less than great life. You have to choose if you'd rather regret doing something or not doing something. Maybe it's not about the house anyway, perhaps you are both afraid of change?

Can the marriage be saved? Has every effort been made to uphold the commitment made? Maybe therapy is a cheaper answer to all this