To stay in loveless marriage because we cannot afford to separate

[Hillbilly]

Our marriage is dead although we rub along ok together. Two DCs, 17 and 15. There is no way we can afford to live separately and provide two homes for them. The 17 yr old still has another year in education and because we live in London and he may not go to Uni (although he would want to leave home- that's another story - so difficult to afford to live here independently) then realistically we would both need places that can accommodate both kids. DS2 poss may go to Uni but who knows. Both of us self employed and we love the area we live in. To sell the flat (ex council) would not give either of us enough to buy again. My business is heavily dependent on the area we live in (wealthy client base). Both on our mid/late 50s. We have talked about it but no solutions 😞

I see this comment all the time on MN. It might be true if the parents are actively not getting along / fighting. But OP states that they get along OK , rubbing along all right.

Honestly, this situation can be fine for the kids. I lived like that with my ex for years, until the kids were in their 20's and both had their own homes. At that point, exH and I took the plunge and split up. I got a rented flat and he stayed in the family home. The kids were amazed that we were not intending to stay living together, since they'd all seen us as getting along fine.

It's true that you only get one life, but in my case it has worked out really well for everyone. Our split happened 15 years ago - today we all had lunch for my and my daughter's birthday. Everyone was there, including my new husband and my exH's partner. Little kids and babies running around. Happy days. Happiness delayed doesn't mean it never happens, OP.

@starrynight21 I think one thing older kids/young adults often don't understand is that you can simply for whatever reason not be attracted romantically/sexually anymore - even if you get on totally ok whilst it's possible to sustain a relationship if you are both on the same page about this- it's very difficult if one partner still wants a sexual relationship but the other one doesn't and it isn't accepted. Also there are often other reasons that people split about but hide from children/young adults of whatever age - and hence they don't understand why the split. Maybe a few long term relationships down the line they may understand a bit better.

I know so many people in this situation that it is pretty much the norm (London) and who have even moved house in this situation, including a couple who moved from America back to London despite that living arrangement.

MN always advocates divorce at all cost. But divorce for you would realistically mean having to move out of London with a massive upheaval on your kids' education and lives. Which would've been doable at primary school but not so great now.

So if you are happy to rub along until your kids have left home then tbh that is what I would do.

But you need to have a long possibly hard discussion with your H to ensure you are both on the same page. For example, what is the stance on either of you pursuing outside relationships?

I know a couple who are actually divorced but live together reasonably amicably as neither can afford to live apart and they have a disabled DC. So it can work.

The main issue would be if one of you were to meet someone new who you were serious about.

Not being able to afford to live anywhere remotely near where their businesses are and not being able to provide 2 lots of housing for the dc will not make for happy parents. That's the point. That is the whole point of the post

Move to a less wealthy area that is still London and still near enough for your business that you can commute?

@thanksroyalmaill it's not about "maintaining our current lifestyle" - I already said there's nothing left at the end of each month, even with a low mortgage. We may live in a wealthy area but ours is ex council, we have no commuting costs, no expensive holidays, we just don't earn a lot and it's been a financial struggle for years.

You could cohabit but it needs to be discussed clearly and agrees between you both, along with boundaries and how to handle things if either of you meet someone else. It's not ok to do this if the other person doesn't know you're just marking time. You could also try nesting, where you both take turns being in the flat with the boys and maybe a bedsit for alternate times.

@jajajajaja the wealthy area is actually a red herring and bears no relevance really. Nothing is more expensive here than any other area of London and neither of us have to commute which is a bonus.

For the person who mentioned fear of change, that may well be a factor, but the fear is probably going from "just getting by"!financialy to not getting by at all.

Been there. I moved area.

I think if you want to do this, as in stay together, you need to have an explicit talk. Both people should be on the same page. One staying because of finances only and one thinking it’s an actual marriage is really unfair on the latter.

I think more people when they are in the ‘run along ok’ stage should talk about and decide if they want to remain cohabiting but separate.

Because the ‘rub along’ stage quickly moves to pissed off and bitter without people being clear About why they are still there. One person thinking it’s an actual marriage. One knowing it’s not. if you still have respect for eachother, you can cause a lot of pain further down the line.

If it turned out dp was only still with me because he didn’t really want a change in his life style I would think he was an awful human being.

I agree with this - I'm interpreting that your dh isn't abusive and is fundamentally an ok guy (I know, it's a low bar) and presumably you were attracted to him and enjoyed living with him in the past. Can any of that be revived? I don't think I'd personally like marriage counselling but there are other things you could try like going on holiday just the two of you to try and get the emotional intimacy back?

I'm surprised so few pp have suggested reviving the marriage, what could be a win-win solution.

OP If you live in a very wealthy area, surely your flat is worth an unusually high amount for a flat. I understand you don't want to have to take out two new bigger mortgages as you have little spare money as it is but is your flat in an extremely wealthy area really not able to split to afford two small flats in a cheap area just outside London? I do realise commute costs will be tough but I think it's really important that before you rule things out, you should look at what you could get for half the value of your flat + an affordable mortgage + commute costs and see if there is anywhere this would work

How is property in your extremely wealthy area not more than in cheaper parts of London or just outside? A flat in Mayfair is more than a flat in Tower Hamlets

So 3 years, you need to stay together for another 3 years - until your 15 year old is 18. You need to be close to your wealthy clients, or look for another job, or find a small flat commutable to current area.

right now if you split, you’d both need a flat big enough to house both dcs, in 3 years time dc1 will have been living independently for 2 years and dc2 at uni, so you need a bed for when dc2 comes back for holidays - a sofa bed would do that.

you said you get along ok, so is a 3-5 year plan to leave achievable?

If moving, getting a second place or selling is 100% not an option at the moment. Then I guess go down the route of co habiting for the next 5 years or so until the kids are older. That gives 5 years to plan an exit- maybe including adapting your career to something that is possible in a different location. If you get on peacefully with each other and are both certain the relationship is over then can’t you divorce but live separately under the same roof? Yep it’s far from ideal and a bit unusual, however possibly doable if you are both on the same page and have a long term goal to separate fully.

I think given that you rub along ok and your dc are nearly of an age where they will be leaving education, maybe stick it out for now but make a plan. So you have roughly 3 years for your youngest. Do sone research on your flat value and where you could buy 2 small places outright once dc have left. Maybe places with a reasonable train to London if you will still have friends/family there. What jobs could you do etc. you have time in an ok living situation so you need to work out how it could work. Maybe you could end up better positioned for dc2 to go to uni.

I'm interpreting that your dh isn't abusive and is fundamentally an ok guy (I know, it's a low bar) and presumably you were attracted to him and enjoyed living with him in the past. Can any of that be revived?

I agree with this...Has your life just caused you both to pull away from each other? You mention getting by each month and no holidays, does that translate into no fun for financial reasons? I've seen a few couples go through this but stay together as they have a common goal of raising the children, after the children leave they realise they can do stuff together.

Financially is the future looking better? You mention a small mortgage so is it outgoings or are you both earning too little? Do you have pension provisions?

I think if you both can plan a goal together where the future looks brighter that might start to energise your relationship. Just coping financially each month does cause couples to pull apart.

Could you have a two step plan? So for the next agreed X years, you stay where you are, get the Dc through education and settled/off to Uni. Also agree boundaries, such as privacy, etc what to do if you meet someone else etc) Then sell if you still want to.

I will add that our marriage vastly improved once the Dc had left home. When they were similar ages to your Dc we nearly separated but agreed for us both to go to counselling and to give it another go. 10 years on we’re so glad we didn’t separate.

@jajajajaja sorry I meant living costs, not property costs. If we sold up we would have to move a long way from here.

@Jellyx and everyone else who mentioned it, there is zero chance of reviving the marriage. Yes H is an ok guy, there is no abuse and he's a good dad. We had couples therapy a long time ago, but now there is no interest from either of us to work things out.

@Livinghappy all very good points but I don't see things improving financially. We have low mortgage payments but it's interest only snd we also don't have full provision to pay it off at the end of term so that's another concern as the outstanding amount will be half the value of the flat.

What about, as mentioned, splitting but continuing as it with a time frame forbdecisioj on housing situation in a few years time? I'd include telling your dc you're separating also. You say you've been in this situation for 10 years and Im wondering how unhappy you've been or is it more a bit autopilot but getting on fine with the day to day, nice to one another, as friends? If it's the latter, perhaps an in-house separation could work. It would take away the pressure of pretending and you could if you want meet someone etc.

Then I don’t see why you can’t have the conversation and come up with a long term plan together. And remain cohabiting while you do it?

At least that will mean you can both plan properly. You and reduce the likelihood of resentment. It makes the split easier

I am just wondering what unhappiness means to you? What is so bad about the relationship? You say there is no interest from either of you to work it out, but what needs working out? At the moment you are continuing as a family and providing a safe and secure home for your teenagers who can often be at difficult stages in their lives because all of their changes/development…

My brother is doing this - his marriage has ended but they are still living together for financial reasons. It's been nearly 2 years now. The long term plan is to sell the house and move, but not sure when that will realistically be. They are amicable.

The difference compared to your situation is that they have been completely honest about it. Everyone knows the situation - their DC, their friends and family, and even new partners (yes there have been a couple of those, not sure how that works tbh!).

Could that work for you?