To stay in loveless marriage because we cannot afford to separate

[Hillbilly]

Our marriage is dead although we rub along ok together. Two DCs, 17 and 15. There is no way we can afford to live separately and provide two homes for them. The 17 yr old still has another year in education and because we live in London and he may not go to Uni (although he would want to leave home- that's another story - so difficult to afford to live here independently) then realistically we would both need places that can accommodate both kids. DS2 poss may go to Uni but who knows. Both of us self employed and we love the area we live in. To sell the flat (ex council) would not give either of us enough to buy again. My business is heavily dependent on the area we live in (wealthy client base). Both on our mid/late 50s. We have talked about it but no solutions 😞

Thank you everyone for all your feedback. I fully acknowledge that it's a shit show in regards to the mortgage but this thread has prompted me to talk to H briefly (as DS2was about to arrive) about us needing to see our accountant and to start thinking about future plans re our situation.
I already feel better for having shared it anonymously. My friends are amazing but I've bored them to tears over the years with my domestics 😳

Financial security is important, and the reality is that without that you can find that freedom from one prison is merely a transfer to another

But OP doesn't have financial security now. And the future looks worrying, regardless of staying married - a problematic mortgage & never planning to retire (what about infirmity or illness?)

OP I'm glad you are starting the process of planning with H. Good luck 💐

Leave the op and her thread alone. Ask for your own posts to be deleted if you wish.

Thanks for the advice xx

Can you go back to paying principle and interest on the mortgage? If you show you can manage that refinancing at end of term might be an option depending on your ages and income.

If you can find a way to pay or refinance the mortgage one option longer term could be if either of the DC go to university they can stay in the other DCs room when home and then you and DH have a room each. You could currently change bedroom to 2 single beds put a divider down the middle. If you're amicable you don't necessarily need to sell, the issue is that it needs to all be above board. It's not fair to stay for years if DH doesn't know you've checked out and the marriage is over for you.

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite appreciate your input. Def my ignorance but don't really understand the first paragraph about the mortgage which is why we probably need to see our accountant and our mortgage advisor.
The bedrooms are too small for DS1 to share on visits after they have left home. DS1 is most likely to go into work/apprenticeship post 19 when they finish college.
Re the situation with me and H, we have both checked out, and are now talking about our future and separation albeit tentatively. I don't think there's a need to change our bed to 2 singles.
I think after almost 10 years of decline, we are starting to be in a position emotionally to start to talk about what the future looks like and this thread had been very helpful to me 😊

Your relationship has shifted - you co parent well enough but you're more like housemates now.

Your options are limited and there are some things you've concluded you can't change because of finances.

So what CAN you change, to make things easier?

You're sharing a bed? This must be awkward.

Time to alter your arrangements. Sell the double bed.

Buy bunk beds for the boys - they can share the biggest room. They will be off living their own lives in a few years and it won't harm them in the meantime to give you some space.

Then you have your own separate rooms, keeping the single beds and doing your own thing. My mother and her late partner had separate rooms their last few years and described themselves as 'companions' rather than partners. It worked.

Principal is the outstanding mortgage amount, currently you're on interest only so the amount owed never gets smaller. A normal loan repayment is part principle (amount owed) and part interest. You say you can pay 1/3 of that amount at the end of the term, so I'm guessing you have some savings toward this? I think uou mentioned no savings so maybe this is a different way you have to repay. If you have managed to save something towards paying the loan you might be able to use that as proof to show you can repay the actual amount owed, maybe by getting a new mortgage for a longer period of time. hichmeans you can the mortgage amount back more slowly. Your accountant should be able to tell you if this is a viable option. They should also check if there's any penalties for early repayment.

On the rooms situation, if one of your DS ends up going to university perhaps the big room could become DS1&2 shared room and you and DH could take a small room each. Might be helpful to keep this in the back of your mind as an option if you don't want/can't afford to move long term and feel a need for some space or privacy.

I am 60 and am divorcing H after 30+ years. On here I read about a book called Decision Time, and I used the techniques described in the book to help me - the premise is how to make a decision when there is no "best" outcome, when weighing up the pros and cons means you are none the wiser. It also talked about sticking to your values. My STBExH has a lot of issues, mostly with me. We've had at least 20 years of unhappiness, since DD2 was born really, and I stupidly stayed all these years, scared of the consequences, we were mired in debt although now all we owe is the mortgage (also been interest only for years) so that will take a third of our equity at the get go (if we ever sell!). So not quite the same as you OP, things are not ok but we have made one room into a bedsit and we just share kitchen and bathroom. Now are are stuck unable to sell our house, although the divorce comes through next month.

I'd never want to meet anyone else, the thought of it makes me sick. I'm walking away with what's left of my dignity and yes, I am facing having to move away from everyone, having less pension, no one to help out if I am ill etc., (although now adult DDs will help, they'll live with me for the time being at least). Interesting as many of my friends had the reactions I've seen on here and now I understand it a bit more - most people favour financial stability over any morals or values, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't go on. I feel desperately sad that we didn't make a go of it, but we stopped making a go of it many years ago, so that's where the regret lies for me, that I waited.

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've had a fair amount of emotional turmoil over the years as to our situation but interestingly, I'm now in a much more balanced place. We've also been brushing it under the carpet for years. The fact that we are now talking about the future, snd separating at some point is a good thing. The how of it is what we need to work out.
Best of luck to you ❤️

OP, are you happy? Do what makes you happy. If that's some sort of co-habiting because you e had children together and happily rubbing along then do it. Happily divorced couples are few and far between but it happens and it's awesome when it does. You do you x