To stay in loveless marriage because we cannot afford to separate

[Hillbilly]

Our marriage is dead although we rub along ok together. Two DCs, 17 and 15. There is no way we can afford to live separately and provide two homes for them. The 17 yr old still has another year in education and because we live in London and he may not go to Uni (although he would want to leave home- that's another story - so difficult to afford to live here independently) then realistically we would both need places that can accommodate both kids. DS2 poss may go to Uni but who knows. Both of us self employed and we love the area we live in. To sell the flat (ex council) would not give either of us enough to buy again. My business is heavily dependent on the area we live in (wealthy client base). Both on our mid/late 50s. We have talked about it but no solutions 😞

When I was married we had a lovely home - no kids, but my husband was a pilot & was gone all the time - my job was to take care of 100% of the house & yard & pool & bills & marketing & maintenance. All of it, every last bit.
He always asked me to keep the home fires burning.

Out of nowhere he phoned & wanted a divorce. Yeah - over the phone. I was just getting ready to move to his state. He had been driving my car and I’d been driving our brand new car - he came home unexpectedly and stole the new car and left my car (in ruins) in the drive.
I obtained an attorney who had my husband served with the divorce papers. And I don’t know why, but that infuriated him.
He kept me in court for months & months just to be a dick, and was livid that because he took the very valuable car, the judge ruled that I could take everything and anything left in the marital home. I was decent - I left his things.
In the courtroom on the last day, my ex wasn’t there, but his attorney told me that he’d had a child with a “much younger woman.”
How much younger? She was 17. He was 46.
Their child was a toddler.
He had a nice little family in another state while I was keen the home fires burning.
And my lawyer bill for my divorce in 1996 was $85,000.
He also hid $250,000+ of our investments that I couldn’t prove. Poof. Gone.
I’m still trying to think up a dish best served cold that I could serve him anonymously.

I know!! I'm on PIP for a life long medical condition and we couldn't afford to separate but my husband would stay with his friend for 2 weeks. We are poor!!!! Lol!!! I understand every side of the debate!! Happy to say we got back together.

See my above post. I've been in this situation lol 😆 🙃 I totally get it!!

Selfish tripe!!! Wow!! I'll not offer my advice/ lived experience anymore. Thanks for making me feel like sh.t !!!

Please see my above posts lol 😆

Have you read the Pilot's Wife?

I hope you live a happy life now.

Sorry to hear you're in the same position 😞

Do you have to share a bedroom? If so I can't see how you can continue for long.

How do you see this playing out long term? You've probably got another 40 years left to live! What happens when one of you becomes dependant on the other?
Can you rearrange the flat/house so that you are housemates? Can you separate finances etc and officially live as flatmates rather than a couple?

It sounds really grim tbh

Would you both be OK if you were to date other people? I think you could live a happy life cohabiting if you could have separate rooms. Like living with a flatmate.

I’m in that position. Loveless and a lot of the time I hate him but he’s a fair bit older than me and doesn’t do much so I’m free to go out and about and have fun with my friends whilst he stays at home and looks after the dogs.

I guess it depends on how you get along with your husband, how well you co parent and whether the atmosphere is miserable?

My parents fell out of love when I was still in primary school. I wasn't even aware of it until my Dad told me when I was late teens. They co parented really well and never had a cross word so my childhood was pretty much idealic.

Hang on - you PM-ed me out of the blue like I was one of your Facebook buddies, to have a go at me. I don't know you, don't PM me, leave people alone!!

Excuse me?!

@Rainbowsandfairies @RosettaTheGardenFairy Will leave you two to it!! I simply took @Rainbowsandfairies post as the situation and posted accordingly. If that's not the case I apologise unreservedly -

We do not have a spare room. Shared finances for monthly expenses etc. DS1 will still be living at home at least until end of education this time next year and DS2 still has 3 years left at school/college.

A separate bedroom makes all the difference.

@Mamai90 it's not a miserable atmosphere at all. In fact it's a fairly happy household and for the most part we co parent pretty well.

Sadly not possible at the moment 😫

This is why it's never a good idea to dive in and support someone without knowing the whole story!

This was apparently AFTER you initiated the PMs and went on the attack.

I actually think this point is a bigger issue "We have low mortgage payments but it's interest only snd we also don't have full provision to pay it off at the end of term so that's another concern as the outstanding amount will be half the value of the flat."

So whats the longer-term game plan? When the term comes to an end, what do your finances look like presumably, at that point, you need to sell the flat and use half the value to pay off the mortgage. In other words at that point in time (not sure how many years out), you will face a housing issue and presumably need to consider if you can buy separately and if so what and where. Does that become a point where you separate, move out of London, new jobs (ie not near where you work)? Or should you consider separating now to sort your finances out taking all of this into account?

The thing is, you can't have what you want. I know that's brutal.

You can decide to stay together for these economic / family factors - but even then, you don't seem to have a clear plan re your property & mortgage. I'd be really worried about this at your ages.

Then there is what you do going ahead after the DC are older.

I suppose you need to agree with H a plan for both your futures?

However, I can see no way you can indefinitely stay sleeping together in the same room, bed, when you have very firmly realised you no longer love each other or want to be together.

It's one thing if you have niggling doubts. Another entirely if you've reached that point of certainty.

I remember that dread when I knew my marriage was over, abusive in my case. I'd tiny DC, one a newborn, and I couldn't see a future. The marriage did end, and 10 years later, life is much harder than I'd expected. I can't see a clear financially comfortable future, tho superficially I look like I am managing. I try hard not to look enviously at siblings & friends who have now begun to reach some financial equilibrium & have options I don't have.

It's really hard. But I don't think you can continue like this or if you do, you need a clearer plan