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AIBU?

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Original poster

Marraige compromise

131 replies

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 15:50

My husband and I are currently in marraige counselling for a number of issues. Amongst the issues is our different prefrences how we spend lesuire time. I love to spend it with extended family and he craves time with just our imediate family (us plus 2 DCs). We went away with my family last weekend from friday morning to sunday evening which was really lovley so he then said he would like this weekend to be just us

My brother is doing a BBQ at his house which we have been invited to today with uncles/aunites, the kids cousins. I would really like to go and im sure the kids would too but i had promised to spend this weekend just us. I think I already know the answer and that I should be the one to compromise as he did last weekend. Although I just can't get the little niggle out of my head that we are missing out because he doesn't want to go.
OP posts:
OutdoorPillow · 10/06/2023 15:51

Why agree to compromise when you won’t keep up your part of the deal?

Hoppinggreen · 10/06/2023 15:52

I think just based on what you have put here you are being unreasonable.
He might find your family a bit much and it’s nice to spend time as a 4 sometimes.
You spent last weekend with your family so you should respect his wishes this weekend

countvoncount · 10/06/2023 15:53

Sounds like he's keeping to his side of the deal, you however....

INeedAnotherName · 10/06/2023 15:53

Its one thing to spend a couple of hours with extended family but a whole weekend? That would send me over the edge too.

GalileoHumpkins · 10/06/2023 15:53

It sounds like you have a bad case of FOMO where your family is concerned. Your husband must feel like the family you've made together isn't enough somehow, do you enjoy spending time with him?

AngelicInnocent · 10/06/2023 15:54

Some people really struggle dealing with lots of people, social events etc and need time at a weekend to decompress.

Last weekend was a pretty full on thing for your DH if you were away all weekend. Would he be happy to have some time completely to himself and you just take DC to bbq or will he feel abandoned.

Preps · 10/06/2023 15:55

Does he want to spend the time with you and DC or does he not want to spend it with your family? I think there's a difference.

It might be OK for you and DC to go to the BBQ leaving him with some quiet time, but if he does want a family weekend, of course you must stick to the agreement.

If you really see any time alone with your DH and DC as "missing out" I'm not sure what the counselling can achieve for you.

AngelicInnocent · 10/06/2023 15:56

Preps expressed it better than me

Whattodo112222 · 10/06/2023 15:57

I think marriage is all about compromise.. he can't be the one to compromise 100% of the time. Immediate family time is also really important I feel.
I think you're being quite unreasonable.

fearfulexchange · 10/06/2023 15:58

If I had spent last weekend with OH's family I would need a break. That would have been too much for me.

Ilikewinter · 10/06/2023 15:59

Is there scope for you to go on your own, or does DH not want that?.
I have to be honest though and say that on the face of it Im on your DH side. After spending a whole weeknd away with your family, you then want him to spend today with them aswell...that would be a big fat no thanks from me. Does he come from a large family? It does sound that hes content and happy with the family youve made though.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 10/06/2023 15:59

You just spent Friday morning - Sunday evening away with your family, and you promised this weekend could be just the four of you. Yes, you are being unreasonable about this bbq.

Gymmum82 · 10/06/2023 15:59

I would either spend the time just the 4 of you. Or if he wasn’t bothered I’d go just myself and the DC since it’s probably only for a couple of hours. You’d still have the rest of the weekend and he might like some ‘me time’ but if he wasn’t happy with you doing that then I wouldn’t go

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/06/2023 16:00

My ds is dating someone like you and it is like he is in a relationship with her whole family, I have told him to run for the hills.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 10/06/2023 16:01

Also it sounds like maybe you only promised to spend the weekend just the four of you because nothing else was arranged with your family anyway. And now as soon as something is, you want to go back on it.

LaMaG · 10/06/2023 16:01

Myself and DH often go to family things solo, no one really questions it we just say she had plans etc. As PPs say this is your turn to compromise but maybe as DH if he would like to be alone and it might be a win win. I'd love a BBQ whichever side of the family but full weekend away would be a different story.

deathbyhayfever · 10/06/2023 16:03

An entire weekend with the IL? How often do you do that, it sounds like an awful lot. If it was a one off this year, fine, otherwise your husband is amazingly patient.

That said, you could be more understanding towards him, and then you'd be able to compromise like adults:
he did a big step spending the entire weekend.
It just happens there's a big family bbq. You appreciate the effort, could he accept to pop to the bbq for a few hours, but as a compromise, you spend the next 4 weekends just as a family.

There's A LOT of posters on this forum who would not enjoy seeing their MIL every weekend!

Kugela · 10/06/2023 16:05

I would never go away with my DH’s family or mine for a whole weekend. It does sound like your family are very full on!

YABU

Eleganz · 10/06/2023 16:06

If you want your marriage to work out you need to stick to your agreements.

I don't agree with pp that are saying that you should ask if you can leave him on his own and go. He has told you he wants to spend time with just you and the kids not to be left alone.

NoSquirrels · 10/06/2023 16:09

Have you made plans to do something as a 4, or is the issue that you feel you’re not really having quality ‘family time’, you’re just at home minding the kids while your DH relaxes?

ProfessorXtra · 10/06/2023 16:09

What’s more important? Taking steps to actually fulfill this compromise to support your marriage. Or the BBQ?

What’s happens when another meme bet of the family is doing something next weekend, that you have FOMO over.

Isn’t it important that after a whole weekend of doing something that met your needs, you now meet his needs this week. As agreed. Or is your FOMO more important?

It sounds like you only agreed to compromise because it’s part of counselling and don’t actually want to do it.

ohjustaoerfectday · 10/06/2023 16:09

It doesn't sound as though you're compatible to be honest.

Neither of you is wrong, but you've got very different preferences on something quite important.

I am more like your dh and prefer spending my free time with my immediate family. I'm not opposed to get togethers, but being an introvert they leave me exhausted.

Equally some people just love to do everything with extended family, I know lots of people like this, it always sounds nice but it's some peoples idea of hell.

londonrach · 10/06/2023 16:10

Wow how rude are you. You already seen your extended family and promised some time with DH and your DC. Start keeping your promises and tbh I can see your DH point of view here. It's alot to see extended family all the time. Yabu.

deathbyhayfever · 10/06/2023 16:14

You are probably forgetting that as relax and pleasant as time with your own family might be FOR YOU, they are not HIS family. He's not having as much a pleasant time as you are anyway, he's not spending time with family.

IncomingTraffic · 10/06/2023 16:16

Honestly, you sound like a nightmare.

You are in counselling and one of the topics has been the need to compromise over time spent with your extended family.

Given everything, I’m guessing the issue is that it’s always all about your extended family.

Last weekend involved going away Fri-Sun and spending all the time with your family. This weekend was supposed to be just time as a nuclear family and you’re trying to force a BBQ with your brother on him. And framing it as the kids missing out if you don’t take them.

Do you realise you are the problem here? You clearly don’t care about how he feels about any of this.

If you want to go to your brother’s: go. But leave the kids and your husband at home so he can have some family time with them that’s not centred around your family.

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