Marraige compromise

[Rocktillyoudrop]

My husband and I are currently in marraige counselling for a number of issues. Amongst the issues is our different prefrences how we spend lesuire time. I love to spend it with extended family and he craves time with just our imediate family (us plus 2 DCs). We went away with my family last weekend from friday morning to sunday evening which was really lovley so he then said he would like this weekend to be just us

My brother is doing a BBQ at his house which we have been invited to today with uncles/aunites, the kids cousins. I would really like to go and im sure the kids would too but i had promised to spend this weekend just us. I think I already know the answer and that I should be the one to compromise as he did last weekend. Although I just can't get the little niggle out of my head that we are missing out because he doesn't want to go.

I personally wouldn't want to spend a whole weekend with my in-laws on a regular basis. I wouldn't mind hubby going over and taking the kids, so that I can have me time. I think it is important to keep a healthy balance. I think your husband is being unreasonable for not wanting you to take the kids alone to your family so long as it is not all the time.

Are you being serious?! Can you imagine if it was the other way round. The poor bloke wants to spend some time with his family unit and his wife is constantly involving her whole family!

I am wondering whether @Rocktillyoudrop you are spending so much time with your extended family due to the issues in your marriage and you don’t actually want to spend time with your DH.

when do you do anything just you and DH? When do you get family time? When does he get to see his family?

YABU - you have to compromise too.

I’d much rather spend time my immediate family than extended family. It’s just easier and I can relax more.

How much time do you spend with his extended family?

He doesn’t want time to himself, he wants family time.

When he bins you off, you won’t see your kids 50% of the time. How will you feel then?

I agree

I think that you obviously have to stick to what you agreed now but it seems a bit rigid to make it into an alternate weekend thing.
Just arrange to spend time with them 'now and then' when something is arranged.
I think, knowing that he finds spending so much time with your family, arranging a 3 day time away together was too much.
I am a people person. I don't particularly need lots of down time. I get on fine with my in-laws, but I wouldn't go away with them for 3 days.

Agreed.

DH and I are both extended family people and both are close to each other's relatives too, so it works really well. But I honestly can't imagine making a relationship work when the two of you feel so differently. You are missing out on something you'd enjoy because he doesn't want to go, just as he'd feel he's missing out on what makes him happy if you did attend.

If he doesn’t mind you and the kids going while he enjoys a bit of time to himself then just do that, otherwise he’s really been looking forward to this weekend together with you all (and not happy to postpone that) then stick to what was planned with him

I don’t know why you can’t go without him, taking the children if they want to go.

Did you read the OP? That is exactly what the compromise in counselling came up with. Time with extended family, time without. But OP wants to renege on that compromise at the first opportunity by sounds of it.

By the sound of things OP thinks the kids would want to go. So probably it'd be DH on his tod, which doesn't appear to be what he wants.

Good grief. Typical of some MNers. If there's a man in the situation he must be in the wrong, regardless of the facts already given.

As you are having counselling, probably best to compromise.

@Rocktillyoudrop I am very much a social person who would want to go to your DB's BBQ - its all about making memories.

Are your dc sociable kids?

I wondered about that too, and how old they are.

Wow arsey much?

What does ‘I couldn’t be arsed to not go to a bbq’ actually mean?

In counselling Op agreed a balance they put a compromise in place. He did his part. If you couldn’t be arsed to keep to your agreement and plans after you agreed to spend the weekend without extended family, even though your marriage is in trouble and this was a step to try and fix it. Then you are the problem. You don’t make an agreement, get the bit you want and then back out.

You did talk about compromise. But also said you were ‘obviously on my own’ then talked about it should be balanced. Obviously, he doesn’t think there is a balance. Which is why the compromise was made.

You aren’t obviously on your own. Because the vast majority have talked about a balance.

Politely, this isnt the reason you are in counselling and it's a red herring, unless this is every weekend.

Most couples accept that there will be ebbs and flows and some months you will see a lot of other people and some you wont.

Dont answer here but think about what the real problem is. He doesnt feel listened to, different values, controlling, stretched too thin. Was it always a problem? When did it become a problem. Was there a trigger. Was it the build up of a pattern or did it happen when you moves house or something.

Well, do you want your marriage to work or not? Sounds like your own family are more important to you than your DH.

You are not the only one missing out, he is missing out on the family time together that he wants.

I have a massive family and love our family gatherings, I have so many relatives that more than once we've gone on holiday and bumped into one of them! My husband takes it in good spirits and joins in even though it's out of his comfort zone but only because we do enjoy time just us. Some people don't spend time as a family, go on holiday just them etc and I think it does cause problems with a marriage. We live far away from mine and I do get a niggle if I see a photo with all my cousin's on it but it's healthy, we're not kids anymore.

I can see why you are having counselling and that is pretty serious in itself. You have to decide if you want to save your marriage - or not. And how it will feel when it collapses. For your dc especially.

Hehe i understand why people are questioning my comment about taking the kids. I'm just thinking how nice it would be to have a few hours me time not the whole weekend. Maybe it's just me!

There are 52 weekends in a year, he is bu

I think the fact that OP did promise about this weekend means OP is being unreasonable about this bbq.

But OP hasn't given info about how often they spend time with her family. Is it most weekends, or is it occasional. That is important when it comes to whether she's being unreasonable more generally.