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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marraige compromise

131 replies

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 15:50

My husband and I are currently in marraige counselling for a number of issues. Amongst the issues is our different prefrences how we spend lesuire time. I love to spend it with extended family and he craves time with just our imediate family (us plus 2 DCs). We went away with my family last weekend from friday morning to sunday evening which was really lovley so he then said he would like this weekend to be just us

My brother is doing a BBQ at his house which we have been invited to today with uncles/aunites, the kids cousins. I would really like to go and im sure the kids would too but i had promised to spend this weekend just us. I think I already know the answer and that I should be the one to compromise as he did last weekend. Although I just can't get the little niggle out of my head that we are missing out because he doesn't want to go.
OP posts:
GCalltheway · 10/06/2023 16:17

This isn’t fair to him. I couldn’t stand a situation where I was constantly stuck with someone else’s extended family every weekend. It’s too much. Everyone needs down time to relax and not have to make an effort socially all if the time.

Are you avoiding being on your own together op?

Original poster
Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:26

Thanks for your responses I am aware I agreed to compromise and absolutely won't go back on it now.
There have been situations in the past where he has been very cross about time spent with them and has in the past said he doesn't want to do things but that he also doesn't want me or the kids going either. That then comes with him being grumpy for a few days. I guess I am just trying to find our where a happy medium is.

OP posts:
guitara · 10/06/2023 16:27

I understand completely why you feel upset about it as it’s nice to feel like when families come together your whole family wants to be there, but from his side he might genuinely just want more time together with you all and he is keeping to it so…

Shoxfordian · 10/06/2023 16:28

I love my parents but I know my husband wants time just us; equally wouldn’t want to see my in-laws every weekend. Yabu

Preps · 10/06/2023 16:28

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:26

Thanks for your responses I am aware I agreed to compromise and absolutely won't go back on it now.
There have been situations in the past where he has been very cross about time spent with them and has in the past said he doesn't want to do things but that he also doesn't want me or the kids going either. That then comes with him being grumpy for a few days. I guess I am just trying to find our where a happy medium is.

I'm not sure a whole weekend away demonstrates any desire to find a "happy medium"

lastminutewednesday · 10/06/2023 16:29

Of course you should compromise. My exh used to make us spend any available time with his family. Holidays. Weekends. They were so cloying. I didn't mind them but it was just too much.

PineappleLatte · 10/06/2023 16:29

What was he like pre children and socialising with your family?

ProfessorXtra · 10/06/2023 16:30

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:26

Thanks for your responses I am aware I agreed to compromise and absolutely won't go back on it now.
There have been situations in the past where he has been very cross about time spent with them and has in the past said he doesn't want to do things but that he also doesn't want me or the kids going either. That then comes with him being grumpy for a few days. I guess I am just trying to find our where a happy medium is.

The happy medium is the compromise.

You had the whole of last weekend with your family. You can’t possibly have though spending time with them this weekend was a happy medium.

He absolutely can not stop you spending time with them. He doesn’t have to. But he did. As part of the compromise. You need to show willing.

Original poster
Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:31

We saw them lots before children, we did weekend away and football matches together.

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 10/06/2023 16:32

It must be pretty shit feeling second best to your family, your needs.
I get on with my dhs family super well, but couldn’t face seeing anyone’s family that much!!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/06/2023 16:34

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:31

We saw them lots before children, we did weekend away and football matches together.

Things are different now you have children though, THEY are your family!

Wexone · 10/06/2023 16:40

do you not enjoy spending Time with just your husband and kids? I love my family too but god it's nice to go home to your own family. I have friends who can not do anything without their family and I know its tested their marriages big time. there has to be some compromises made so am with yoir husband on this

JudgeRudy · 10/06/2023 16:42

Wow you're off to a great start aren't you. You've agreed to compromise and now are hoping MNers will give you permission to neg on your commitment.
He's just spent a long weekend with your family. You got to choose what the family did that weekend. Thats pretty intense.
Now it's 'his' weekend and you want to decide again! Of course you could ask him if he's happy to 'trade' a day and you (and the kids?) attend the BBQ and you 'owe' him another day, but if he says no, he wanted to spend the weekend as a family you really need to stick with this. If you want more freedom to chose events you need to book less in.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 10/06/2023 16:46

I have to agree with the majority of posters. It sounds like he has compromised a lot over the years. Do you not enjoy just spending time with your nuclear family? We have spent today pottering in the garden, sunbathing and eating ice cream, youngest has done some painting in the shade. It's done us the world of good and been a perfect day.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/06/2023 16:49

Is he a bit controlling? Is he slowly isolating you from your family and friends?

IncomingTraffic · 10/06/2023 16:53

But even if it’s about ‘trading’ a day of ‘his’ weekend, you’d still be making it very clear that you don’t actually value time spent as a nuclear family. You are only interested in your extended family life.

This isn’t a man trying to avoid family time with his children (and his wife!); it’s you still viewing your birth family as the main family and clearly showing your husband that time with just him and the kids is not really what you care about.

mumofboys8787 · 10/06/2023 16:53

You already know YABU you were just hoping a few more people would see your point of view, unfortunately not though.

GalileoHumpkins · 10/06/2023 16:53

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/06/2023 16:49

Is he a bit controlling? Is he slowly isolating you from your family and friends?

They literally just spent three day away with her family? What an odd thing to ask in this scenario.

IncomingTraffic · 10/06/2023 16:54

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/06/2023 16:49

Is he a bit controlling? Is he slowly isolating you from your family and friends?

Oh come on. This isn’t isolating anyone from their family and friends.

Jk987 · 10/06/2023 16:56

Take the kids to the bbq and husband can have some time to himself. Would that work?

GCalltheway · 10/06/2023 16:57

It smacks of avoidance

ProfessorXtra · 10/06/2023 16:57

Jk987 · 10/06/2023 16:56

Take the kids to the bbq and husband can have some time to himself. Would that work?

How is that the DH spending time with the wife and kids, without the extended family involved?

I8toys · 10/06/2023 16:59

Counselling for this? YABU you've gone back on what you said. Your poor DH.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/06/2023 16:59

Really depends on what you'd be doing if not going to the bbq? For example if you'd be at home, doing nothing much at all you should go to the bbq,dh should have the option to go or not , if you'd be away out spending quality time together, you should miss the bbq as agreed.
Everyone is focusing on the long weekend away, but is that a regular thing or a Complete one off? that makes a big difference.
Dh doesn't actually get to decide if you spend time with your family or not, it actually sounds like dh wants his own way or gets grumpy, but we dont know how much time you spend with your extended family to know if your being reasonable or not.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2023 17:02

He’s more than done his share of compromising, now you do your bit. And properly. Don’t bring up the bbq to him or your DC and invest in time just the 4 of you instead of resenting what you seem to feel is a sacrifice on your part.

Why did you start the counselling? Are you really prepared to make changes or mainly hoping he will?

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