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AIBU?

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Original poster

Marraige compromise

131 replies

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 15:50

My husband and I are currently in marraige counselling for a number of issues. Amongst the issues is our different prefrences how we spend lesuire time. I love to spend it with extended family and he craves time with just our imediate family (us plus 2 DCs). We went away with my family last weekend from friday morning to sunday evening which was really lovley so he then said he would like this weekend to be just us

My brother is doing a BBQ at his house which we have been invited to today with uncles/aunites, the kids cousins. I would really like to go and im sure the kids would too but i had promised to spend this weekend just us. I think I already know the answer and that I should be the one to compromise as he did last weekend. Although I just can't get the little niggle out of my head that we are missing out because he doesn't want to go.
OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/06/2023 17:03

My friend's marraige broken up for exactly this reason.

Her ex husband always prioritised his mother and siblings over his own wife and children.

My friend would gave been happy if it had even been 50/50 but he failed to realise he had a new family and new priories now. They still came second and were second choice every time.

Despite it being discussed umpteen times before their split, her husband was still shocked and just didn't get it. You sound like you aren't getting it either.

Your marraige is on the line, do you want to save it?

IncomingTraffic · 10/06/2023 17:04

Jk987 · 10/06/2023 16:56

Take the kids to the bbq and husband can have some time to himself. Would that work?

The man has asked for family time with his children and wife.

Her deciding to leave him alone so she can centre her birth family yet again is hardly fair. is it?

CeliaNorth · 10/06/2023 17:04

For example if you'd be at home, doing nothing much at all you should go to the bbq

Nothing wrong with being at home doing nothing much, especially if the weather's very hot, as it is in some places this weekend. It's not necessary to be on the go all the time; everyone benefits from having downtime just to chill out sometimes.

GCalltheway · 10/06/2023 17:06

My best friends dh left for the same reason, and weirdly the same thing happened with her own mother and stepfather. Then her sisters dh left for the same reason. Now not one of them are together now. None of them get it. Still.

flimsywhimsy · 10/06/2023 17:06

I agree that a whole weekend would be too much, even of my own family! In this case, you should stick to the original plan, that he gets his weekend with just you and the children. For the future, maybe you can agree to a different type of compromise that isn't quite so all-or-nothing. A weekend is two days. Maybe you and the kids can spend a morning or afternoon with your family, then save the other day for just your little family.

He needs to loosen up about you and the kids going without him, though. If you're going off every weekend, I can see how he'd not like that, but on occasion, that shouldn't bother him. He shouldn't have to be around more people than just his own family, if he doesn't want to, but he also shouldn't stop you and the kids from visiting your parents or siblings without him.

Bluevelvetsofa · 10/06/2023 17:11

What about his family? Would you go away for a long weekend with them? If not, apart from the compromise you agreed to, it’s very one sided.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/06/2023 17:13

Jk987 · 10/06/2023 16:56

Take the kids to the bbq and husband can have some time to himself. Would that work?

He wants time with his wife and kids - so how does that work?

2bazookas · 10/06/2023 17:14

Get your priorities straight. Your problem is not about a barbecue.

loislovesstewie · 10/06/2023 17:17

My SIL used to always be organising family get togethers, lots of food, drinks, noise, tons of people. I went for ages, but truthfully, it wasn't my cup of tea. When we moved I made sure it was far enough away that I had an excuse not to attend. Please just stick to the compromise, it can be hell going to big get togethers if it's just not you. Have some fun with him and your kids.

Mojitosaremyfavourite · 10/06/2023 17:21

Whattodo112222 · 10/06/2023 15:57

I think marriage is all about compromise.. he can't be the one to compromise 100% of the time. Immediate family time is also really important I feel.
I think you're being quite unreasonable.

Agree.

I am very much of the opinion in that the family that you come from is important, but the family you create is your priority.

You sound hard work.

WheelsUp · 10/06/2023 17:22

I think that you should discuss the FOMO thing at your next session. It shouldn't be making you prioritise your extended family over your current family. If your extended family socialise together every/most weekends then I can see why your h is irritated by that. It's good that he made the effort to go away with them but I can see why he'd be irritated if it's every/most weekends.

Do you ever socialise with his extended family?

ohjustaoerfectday · 10/06/2023 17:24

Wexone · 10/06/2023 16:40

do you not enjoy spending Time with just your husband and kids? I love my family too but god it's nice to go home to your own family. I have friends who can not do anything without their family and I know its tested their marriages big time. there has to be some compromises made so am with yoir husband on this

I genuinely think that some people just can't bear being alone with their partner, they have to spend all of their free time and holidays with other people.

QueenieMe · 10/06/2023 17:24

It can't be nice for him thinking that you can only have a good time as a family if that includes your extended family. We all know what a group setting is like - it's not exactly conducive to intimate conversation and maybe, just maybe, your DH would like to have a quieter time at weekends catching up with you and your DC? The other issue is it's always YOUR family. Do you see his often as well? If they were having a BBQ would you feel like you were missing out as much? If my family weren't getting a look in I'd feel cross too.

Wexone · 10/06/2023 17:28

ohjustaoerfectday · 10/06/2023 17:24

I genuinely think that some people just can't bear being alone with their partner, they have to spend all of their free time and holidays with other people.

Show quote history

I really don't get it. if you don't enjoy spending time with your husband or partner why are you with them ?

WheelsUp · 10/06/2023 17:28

I think that you need to think about why you'd prefer not to socialise with just your h and kids. Do you ever do stuff just with your husband? I'm guessing that your family would babysit so that you could have some adult time. It sounds like there is something that you're trying to run away from and I wonder if you're just bored of your h?

pimplesquisher · 10/06/2023 17:32

So you spent an entire weekend with your extended family? I can't believe that you are even thinking about your brothers bbq.

Wexone · 10/06/2023 17:32

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/06/2023 16:49

Is he a bit controlling? Is he slowly isolating you from your family and friends?

how on earth his he controlling when they have just spent an entire weekend with her family ?? 🤔🤷‍♀️ and I am sure if it's controlling the counsellor wouldn't have recommend she do a little bit fo compromising

kethuphouse · 10/06/2023 17:33

That’s really sad that you see time with your family (who you live with) as “ missing out”

GulesMeansRed · 10/06/2023 17:34

I cannot imagine anything WORSE than being married to someone who wanted to socialise with aunties, cousins and siblings every fecking weekend.

Birthdayboy · 10/06/2023 17:34

I wouldn't put a BBQ over my marriage tbh.

SadieLia · 10/06/2023 17:36

I'm obviously on my own here judging by the comments but I couldn't stand this if my DH didn't want to go and also didn't want me to go. Luckily we both enjoy spending time with others as well as on our own so we don't have this issue, but I'd struggle having to not to go an occasion because he didn't want to.

The happy medium here is sometimes with extended family and sometimes alone. If you're never doing things alone then that's an issue. If you're never doing things with extended family that's also an issue.

YukoandHiro · 10/06/2023 17:40

Of course you should be the one to compromise. That's the point of compromise. Otherwise you're always getting what you want and he's the secondary person in the relationship rather than an equal partner... and that way resentment and eventually the end of all love/kindness/care lies

squidgybits · 10/06/2023 17:42

Have your own BBQ for yourselves?

FictionalCharacter · 10/06/2023 17:42

i had promised to spend this weekend just us.
You must keep your promise, you know that. How would you feel if you had last weekend with just the 4 of you, he had promised you that you’d all go to a big family gathering this weekend, and then he said he’d changed his mind?
Not going to every event that your family put on isn’t “missing out”. It’s part of being married and having kids of your own.

ProfessorXtra · 10/06/2023 17:42

SadieLia · 10/06/2023 17:36

I'm obviously on my own here judging by the comments but I couldn't stand this if my DH didn't want to go and also didn't want me to go. Luckily we both enjoy spending time with others as well as on our own so we don't have this issue, but I'd struggle having to not to go an occasion because he didn't want to.

The happy medium here is sometimes with extended family and sometimes alone. If you're never doing things alone then that's an issue. If you're never doing things with extended family that's also an issue.

A balance is the compromise.

If you marriage was in trouble and you agreed to spend time as a family alone and time with extended family as well. You would enjoy the benefits (dh socialising with your family for an entire weekend) then go back on the agreement because you couldn’t stand to miss one BBQ?

Surely you wouldn’t have agreed to compromise in the first place?

The husband agreed to a balance. He is fulfilling his end of the compromise.

I don’t really see how that’s different to what everyone else has said.